Tag Archives: sleep

Parenting Forward

CLEANHOUSE

I recently met with a student who was having a hard time reconciling her mother’s instinct with the pressures from family and friends to parent in a more socially acceptable way.  We had a long, heartfelt talk, and here are some of the “heart-lights” we had that I want to share with you.

If nothing else, remember that you alone are responsible for your child.  You have to live with them, you alone will bear the joy and the guilt of all your decisions. Acknowledging and accepting that, know that trusting your instinct is right and worthy.

Parenting with the end goal in mind looks different than parenting decisions made for immediate behavior modification.  Yelling when it’s not an emergency, hitting, slapping, intimidation, etc., will probably get your child to stop doing what they are doing or get them to do what you want them to do against their will. Taking the time to think about why you are seeing this behavior, asking ourselves if there is a way to change their focus or solve a problem takes time…and if your child is having a full-blown public nuclear meltdown, it may activate our own issues with “being a good/bad parent” or attracting attention, or our stories about acceptance and rejection.

It can be so hard to parent what I call the “long way” when your child is acting out. It is much easier to bargain, bribe, or force the outcome that is easiest in the short term.  Going the long way means letting them cry or tantrum in public, taking the time to ask questions and listen to your child, try to figure out exactly what they need or find a solution, and then patiently see it through so that interactions are loving and peaceful. It may mean changing our plans and trying again another day.

Speaking specifically to the times when our children get loud, the goal of parent intervention is to stop the tears or the tantrum.  We have stories deeply ingrained in our culture about parents who can’t control their children, and therein lies one of the problems. It is a mindful decision to treat them as little humans with their own set of feelings and desires, instead of chattel to control or do our will.

In my mind, the first thing we can examine as a culture is this idea of needing to control children.  Why not start with changing the paradigm? Instead of “children that behave” why not shift the focus to “adults that can make decisions”? It means acknowledging that children are human beings that are going to need to learn to navigate life, with all its ups and downs.

When we start to parent with the idea that our children need to be equipped to be whole, loving, and capable humans when they leave our home, it may drastically change the reasons why we chose to do or not to do when the time comes to teach them the lessons that come with the situations that challenge them.  With that mind, it gives us permission to parent them per what we feel is best for them. Each child is ready for different milestones at different times.

Here are some of the different areas of disagreement with heart-led parenting versus socially-based parenting that came up in our discussion.

Sleep:
Some children are ready to sleep on their own before they are a year old, other children need the warmth and comfort of a parent or sibling into early childhood or the elementary years. Would it help you to know that in other cultures, they consider our practice of tucking children in to sleep by themselves is considered neglectful and sad for the child? Read THIS article or THIS article by Dr. James McKenna on The Natural Child Project site, and THIS one on Fatherly.com (warning: the title is a bit abrasive).

Breastfeeding:
Oh the places you could go with this topic.  Here is the information on the side of extended breastfeeding if that is your choice…

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that all children are breastfed at least until 6 months old, and to continue breastfeeding after that point – link HERE.

Drs. Melissa Bartick and Arnold Reinhold published a STUDY in March 2010 with these findings: If 90% of new mothers in the USA were breastfed just to the six-month mark, it would save $13 billion in healthcare and other costs – read more about that HERE

The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding until a child is two years old…really!! Read their statement HERE

So there are three huge pros in your corner if you want to breastfeed, and continue past the 12-month “normal”.  I hope you are encouraged to follow your own rhythm when it comes to breastfeeding your Sweet Pea.

Food:
This is the age of mindful eating. We know there are inflammatory foods (list HERE), we know the benefits of probiotics (links HERE and HERE), we know that when offered healthy food,  children will eat it (read THIS fascinating study).  It is okay to trust that if you consistently put healthy choices in front of your child, they will not starve, and they will eat healthy food.

So what if you don’t eat out at fast food restaurants, or it takes you five minutes to place your child’s order at a restaurant? You alone are your child’s advocate until they know what is good for them and know how to place their own order.  And you will be so proud of seeing their healthy food choices and their awesome physical health when you see how they compare to their peers.  They will spend more time in the classroom and less time in the doctor’s office when they eat healthy, whole food.  It is worth it!!

Behavior modification:
Another loaded discussion.  I would invite you to trust your mama bear instinct here.  Also, try to address your own hang-ups about being a “good” parent and/or giving and receiving love.

This came roaring to a head for us when Otter was three years old.  She went through this phase of hitting me when she was angry…and one day when I was tired and worn down and I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth, “When you hit me, it makes me feel like you don’t love me.”  That came from a deep and old place, a story that I had from my past. It validated why I do not want to hit our children, and made me even more dedicated to the theory of “gentle parenting”.

Here are some of my favorite parenting resources for you to explore:

Laura Markham – aha! parenting – gentle parenting resource

Janet Lansbury – gentle parenting resource

L.R. Knost – Little Hearts – gentle parenting resource

Positive Discipline – great ideas to help set boundaries and keep them without intimidation

Five Love Languages – discover what moves your family members, and then love them the way that speaks to their heart

 

What are your thoughts?  What are other areas you feel heart-led about and you find hard to talk about or outright disagreements with your family or friends?

 

New Year Resolutions: Mama Style

Last week I wrote all about New Year Resolutions past and this week I thought I would write a follow up of what I am actually hoping for in 2014.

My husband’s resolutions seemed to take the form of one personal desire, Presence, and then one work/career desire. Under the over arching desire he brainstormed applicable ways to work towards it. For me, I do small interactive advertising, content management, and social media projects from home for money but I consider my “job” to be raising our 22 month old. Naturally my personal resolutions affect my parenting, the same as my husband’s personal actions affect his parenting and our family, but there were some things that I felt I would like to specifically address in my role as mama for 2014.

Potty

We have been practicing Elimination Communication with T part time for a very long while but this year I want 100% of pees & poos to be in the potty. We are armed with many pairs of underwear and we practice a lot at home but I can’t help but feel we are SO far away, T is not verbal and it is almost impossible to get him to tell us *before* he goes. He also wakes what feels like 8-12 times a night and I have no idea what that means for us when it comes to potty-ing and diapers at night time.  I really want him to be exclusively in underwear this year, but again, I pretty much have no expectations left when it comes to his parenting thing and also know that small children simply can not be forced to do anything. So, one can only hope.

Sleep

I feel like we have absolutely exhausted (no pun intended) this avenue. Co-sleeping, night time nursing, night weaning, his own bed next to ours, his own bed in his own room, talking about it, Daddy comforting, Mama comforting, etc. etc. and the longest he sleeps is cuddled up with me for only 2 hours (or less) at a time. This has to change this year. This is the year that we all sleep more!!!!! We have some travel coming up in January and February and then T’s second birthday is in March. After that it is Mission: Sleep. We are going tackle more sleep, even if it means T’s habits can not or do not change but my husband and I switch off nights on duty so we can at least get a few nights of uninterrupted sleep a week, more sleep is a priority for everyone this year.

Environment & Being The Example

What do I want my household environment to be like, feel like? What kind of energy do I want in my home? I like to ask myself this a few times a day to keep it in the front of my mind. My goal this is year is to practice more of what I envision. I can not expect T to grow up being calm, patient, willing to communicate and express himself if I am not. I can not expect him to be peaceful and loving in all of our interactions if I am not. If what I see for us is a slow paced, loving home in which we share many laughs than I am going to slow down, relax and worry less about things that do not need my immediate attention. If my hopes for T are to be polite than I am going to focus more on always using a polite tone with him and my husband, and so on.

I feel like there is so much more I want to get out of my brain and onto paper, so to speak, so I can assess and reflect on it, but I think the above seems to be a reasonable amount to take on right now without overwhelming myself.  I look forward to updating everyone on our progress over the next few months!

What goals do you have in your professional, home, or mama life this year? Anything daunting that you are looking forward to finally addressing when it comes to your Sweet Peas?

 

 

Sleep Happens

I was contacted by a sleep coach recently.  I went to her website, read through it, contacted some IBCLC’s I know, thought about it some more, and then after much contemplation, I have a path forward.  Now I just have to write back.

In the meantime, I have run across a couple of blogs that talk about sleep, I have revisited my Pinterest board to find articles about sleep, and reflected on what I know from my experience, and the insight I have into Cassandra’s journey with night nursing.

I don’t think anybody will ever convince me that training your infant child to sleep through the night is a good thing.  Here are two articles I like to share that explain why getting an infant to sleep through the night, when it hasn’t been a milestone they reach on their own, can actually be dangerous.

  • THIS one from Organic Baby Atlanta
  • THIS one from Yahoo! Voices

A student’s answer in reply to THIS post I shared inspired me to write today’s blog post.  Here is her comment (shared with permission):

“I don’t agree with this article being so adamant about it being normal to be so tired and an emotional wreck. I think that’s dangerous to say; because if you feel like that, you need support, and to adjust your lifestyle to compensate. Not just say it’s normal and suffer.”

So while you will probably not find me as a sleep training advocate, I do agree that families have to have a strategy to get the sleep they need so all the adults are fully-functioning during the waking hours: physically, mentally and emotionally stable as they go about their lives with a newborn.  Upon more reflection, I have come up with five suggestions for you to “try on” or “toss”, as needed.

1. EVALUATE
There are no easy answers.  I really encourage our students and friends with babies to trust their heart when it comes to their child.  I recognize that some ideas from The Experts are worthwhile, so try/take what you need and works for your family, without breaking your heart in the process.  Then, toss the books, The Experts, and Read Your Child.  How is their temperament?  Their growth? Are the reaching milestones?  Does what you are choosing feel right for you, and right for your child?  Are they at/around a milestone time?  Believe it or not, learning new skills can mess with sleep as much, if not more, than teething!

In addition to that – how are you?  Do you have the support you need?  Are you connecting with other mothers in similar situations?  Have you formed a mama tribe? Are the people around you supportive? And if not, are you okay with your decisions? ARE YOU WAKING YOUR PARTNER UP TO HELP WITH CARE??

2.  ENGAGE YOUR PARTNER
I emphasize the last questions because parenting is a team gig.  You cannot parent in a vacuum.  If there are two of you in the home, then the two of you need to participate in care.  We often hear, “But they have to go to work in the morning.” *crickets* SO DO YOU.

Whether mothers work at home, or work outside of the home, we have to show up, too.  Not zombie mama, tired mama, yelling mama…I can honestly say I hate it when she shows up at my house…so ironic as I write the wee hours of the morning in AZ.  Lucky for me, I am a 6-hr a night type of gal, and since I fell asleep at 8:00 pm, things are looking good for today.  Anyway, I digress.

Your best mama is needed every day.  So wake up your partner and have them help you if your baby (or child of any age) is still waking through the night.  Both of you are invested in your child, and this night waking thing is temporary.  Trust me, it too, shall pass.  We literally slept in shifts for a brief period last year.  It was crazy while we were in it; looking back, I am glad it’s over; and I can see now that it truly was temporary.

 

Sometimes it helps to get a routine going, and you can both get back to sleep.  THIS article has great tips on training your infant’s circadian rhythms without resorting to cry-it-out methods.  Our “infant” routine consisted of the baby waking, being passed off to Bruss for a diaper change while I got up to use the restroom (still! because making breastmilk also requires a hydrated mama), and then I would come back to a clean, dry baby, and I would sit down to nurse.  After passing off our nursling, Bruss would head to the kitchen, fix me a high-protein snack, deliver said snack, and then he would go back to bed.  I would nurse our baby until they were back asleep(!).  With some kiddos, we used an Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper, with others we did bed-sharing, and with some, as they got older, they were lovingly cradled into the crib in our room.

We followed each child’s cues, and they got back to sleep, we got back to sleep, and life moved on.

3. MAKE SLEEP A PRIORITY
The other key that is so hard to follow is the old adage, “Sleep when the baby is sleeping”.  Yes, that means during the day, too, especially in the early postpartum days, or even when you have a toddler.  (As I sit in the middle of “being two” with Otter!)  I know: you have things to do, emails to answer, places to go.  This is written with much love in my heart: I don’t care.  I mean it – sleep when the baby is sleeping.  The best thing we ever did, and I can’t believe it took me four babies to get it right, was to take a babymoon.

We shifted priorities in our home.  For the first week, I stayed in bed with Otter.  That’s it.  It was A.Ma.Zing.  I didn’t look at the messy house, the kitchen, the scattered messes happening everywhere as our other children moved about their days.

Who else finds this image disturbing? Amazingly, I was able to let it go and enjoy our Babymoon because I was intentional about prioritizing sleep over my need to organize and sort.

Who else finds this image disturbing? Amazingly, I was able to let it go and enjoy our Babymoon because I was intentional about prioritizing sleep over my need to organize and sort.

Our bedroom was clean, our bathroom was clean, and I just closed my eyes when we took our daily walk through the house to sit outside in the sun and get some fresh air.  Other than that, all meals were brought to our room, sometime the kiddos picnicked with us, other times, I ate while I snuggled with Otter and fell right back to sleep.

Most partners can take a week off of work if a grandparent is not able to help out in the postpartum period.  Whoever it is, let them take care of you, and take care of the other children, while all you do is sleep, sleep, and sleep between breastfeeding your infant.  If you can take more than a week, do it.  Other world cultures practice a 40-day period of rest and recovery.  If that is not your reality, know that getting rest and letting your body have a surge of healing time through your first week can make the rest of the postpartum period easier to handle.  Facing it as a rested person, and not a zombie, does wonders for your perspective.  Need more convincing?  THIS article from Birth Without Fear makes a great case for Mothering the Mother.

Newsflash:  There are great ways to make technology work in your favor and release any feelings of having “to do” something with anything that clicks.  Set up your email with an “Out of Office” auto-reply announcing your babymoon, and offer an alternative mode of contact if someone feels their business is urgent enough to warrant an immediate response.   Almost all social media platforms now have a “cover photo” option that pops up when people search for you.  Write an announcement and make it your “cover” to let people know you will be out of touch, soon to return.  And lastly, if you blog, enlist other people to write for you.  I had four wonderful teachers from my mama tribe step up and write guest posts for me while we enjoyed snuggling with our Sweet Pea.  Turn everything off, and sleep when your baby is sleeping.

It Can All Wait.

4. SET BOUNDARIES
Learn to say YES.

  • To the friend who offers to set up a meal schedule.
  • To the visitor who offers to do housework (leave a list of chores they can choose from).
  • To the person who offers to leave your home and let you get some sleep.
  • What else??  Anything else that serves you, as uncomfortable as it might be to accept help.

Learn to say NO.

  • To the person who wants to come to visit during a sleep time.
  • To the person that wants you to help with something while you are on maternity leave.
  • To the outing that you can’t handle because you are too tired to go.
  • What else??  Anything else that will drain your energy reserves and keep you from sleeping.

As your baby gets older, it is so important to apply the same standards for your Yes’s and your No’s.  Avoid the temptation to fill your day full of activities, classes, and play dates *every* day.  Many of our students Just Say No to events that happen during nap time .  I am so proud of them, even if it means that we won’t get to see them or their Sweet Peas.

5. ENLIST HELP
Another option in the postpartum period that is increasingly available is hiring a Postpartum Doula.  These women are trained in the postpartum care of a family.  To quote a doula we interviewed, “…what I do is much more than taking care of infants; a Postpartum Doula offers education, companionship and in-home support for families with infants.” They can be available to do light housework, prepare meals, care for the baby while you sleep, and some are even trained lactation counselors who can help identify and troubleshoot any breastfeeding challenges you may have.  Want to learn more?  HERE is the full interview on our Sweet Pea Births blog.

Truly, these women are invested in helping you have the best postpartum experience possible, and for a very reasonable fee.  As your baby ages, and if your budget can’t afford a nanny or weekly house cleaner, consider their doula fee your monthly “treat”.  Have them come over once a month to play with your baby, prep a meal, clean the kitchen – while you take the much needed nap.  I am not sure at which point in your child’s age they would want to terminate their services.  I guess it’s a question worth asking.

Please check our Resource Page for a list of Postpartum Doulas if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area.  If not, you can check out DONA International’s registry, or doulamatch.net to connect with doulas in your geographic area.

It is my fervent hope that some of these ideas may work for you.  Everything is so much more manageable when you replace the “tired and tank empty” filter, with a “rested and tank is full” filter.

I also like learning new tips, so please feel free to share what worked for your family, or a link to your blog post about getting sleep and/or postpartum care in the comments.

What has worked for you to get more sleep in the postpartum period, or as your child develops before they start sleeping through the night?

PS: Another article I like about sleep training HERE