Tag Archives: Parenting

Thoughtful Thursday: Prioritizing

I read THIS blog post in the morning, as I was going through our twitter feed.  Here is an excerpt:

“But seeing the messy house, and walking around the cluttered rooms, and feeling exhausted still bothers me. Just because I choose the most important things, doesn’t mean leaving the less important things doesn’t suck. Just because in 20 years I will be glad I read those bedtime stories, doesn’t mean tomorrow I’m not going feel irritated that I haven’t had 10 spare minutes to change the sheets on my bed in weeks. Just because I prioritized, doesn’t mean I feel happy.

But we’ve all been told this is the path to happiness. This prioritizing and focusing is supposed to be a magic cure-all for feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. So when we still feel angry that we’re running downstairs naked because all our clean underwear is in a basket in the living room, we feel like we’re failing. And when we walk by the trash can that’s overflowing and starting to stink and want to cry, we feel like we’re doing something wrong. And when we desperately wish we could zone out in front of the tv for 10 minutes instead of listening to a Level 1 I Can Read book for the tenth time, we feel like a horrible mom.”

Here is what I want to say to this mom…

First of all, I want to send her a big hug.  I can feel her frustration, her pain, her loneliness.  If she was my friend, I would start making sure our crew brought over meals once a week.  If she wanted company, great!  We would stay and offer an adult conversation.  If not, us gal pals would drop off dinner for her family, fold a basket of laundry, and be on our way.

This is the other thing that I think we all need to hear.  YOU CAN change your routine and still be a good mom.  You CAN change your priorities for a day and your children will still remember that you read them a story every night at bedtime.

If the basket in the middle of the floor, full of laundry is driving you crazy, if the pile of stuff is making your head spin, deal with it.  Prioritizing yourself into misery isn’t serving you or your family.  Her children may be too young to help with laundry folding…so here is another idea.  You have lots of laundry baskets in the house?  Instead of a bedtime reading story, throw all your laundry somewhere where you can fold it.  At the same time, put the laundry baskets on the floor and do a living story…let all the kiddos get in their “ship” and tell you where they would go on an adventure, or narrate an adventure for them…have them sail the stormy seas (shake the baskets around and make storm noises), have them pitch the anchor, have them tell you what they discovered once they landed on firm ground….I think you get the point.  The laundry gets folded, the “story” happens, and you can reclaim your baskets afterwards to get the clean clothes back into the right places.

If we take a breath, and take a minute to think outside of our routine, we can probably come up with different ways of organizing our daily routines so that the goal of spending quality time with our children can jive with our basic needs and expectations of ourselves/home/etc.  We can consider/ try to remember routines can be malleable and fluid when we need them to be.  They do not always have to be set in stone, never to be broken.

Does anyone else get so caught up in being the perfect mom that we forget to keep in touch with our needs?  It is possible to be Krystyna, meet our family priorities, and still be a Good Mom that didn’t read the story, and didn’t do bath time.  What I did do is meet one of my basic needs (deal with “whatever else is important to us” – for me it’s clutter) and still be a good parent.   I would propose that we are even better equipped to deal with another long day ahead of us tomorrow, because our spirit is more still for having dealt with whatever was irritating us that wasn’t getting done.

I send big hugs to all the mamas out there that have been in The Hard.  The overwhelming feeling of wanting to do it all and not enough hours in the day to be everything to everyone.  The piles that seem like they are never going to go away.  They do…and so do the kids…so this is my approach: just live each day for itself, adjust priorities for that day, and remember that this is just my reality “for now”.

To quote another awesome mama, “You are a good mom.”

Monday Musings: Back to the Breath

Oh, my volume was higher over the last couple of days again…got a confirmation last night that I need to keep doing my deep breathing and using humor when it’s my moon time!!

So here is my affirmation for today, perfectly timed for this week.  I am so glad to report that the affirmations thus far have really helped me be a more peaceful mama.

I have remembered more often to breathe before speaking.  Puma wanted her hair curled for a party last night.  We got through her hair styling without major drama (she has one teeny spot she can’t reach with her brush, and she doesn’t want help, and there is always a dreadlock there!)  It turned out so well – she looked every bit the fairy and won a prize for her costume!

Charger and I have been negotiating the weaning process.  He is a little lost right now – and he has been acting out.  Most times, I have remembered to use humor – he really has a great laugh!  I also tried to be empathetic and show him love when he was not acting very lovable.

Night Owl and I are working on breathing together.  He is the most impulsive of our children for now, and so when I see him escalating, I ask him to take a deep breath with me.  It was so amazing to see him take a couple of deep breaths without prompting last week.  In addition, there have been a couple of times that he may have retaliated had he not been acting intentionally; I have seen him remain calm and make kinder choices.  What proud mama moments those are!  I praised him and thanked him for his kind choices; it was so neat to feel him glow with pride.

I would love to hear if any of these affirmations have helped you, or if you have read some affirmations from other sources that have helped you.  If you have a minute, please leave us a comment and share your thoughts – thank you!

Tuesday Tips: Positive Discipline

Just in time for Tuesday Tips are my notes from last week’s Attachment Parenting playgroup.  We talked about the idea of “Positive Discipline”.  There was a mom at the meeting who has started a couple of AP groups here in Phoenix – once I can get the links to the internet groups she started, I will post them.

So what is “Positive Discipline”?  I think that some folks think that Attachment Parents are “absent parents” in this area since we make a conscious choice not to use physical discipline with our children.  Why are we opposed to spanking and hitting?  The core belief is that we respect our children as whole, complete individuals.  It is a criminal offense to hit another adult, and we take the view that even more so a defenseless child.  The goal is to raise self-directed individuals who make healthy choices because they want to and they know how to, not because they are afraid of us or the consequences that we mete out.

What does the research say?  As with many things, you can find studies that support your view.  One of our students who is a researcher at ASU shared some studies with me that support spanking, and other research that supports not spanking.  She shared these sage words: there are bad parents that don’t spank, and there are good parents that do spank.  So does spanking make a difference?

When I asked a friend of mine why she didn’t spank, her answer changed my view on the meaning of discipline forever: A big person spanking or hitting a small person is never acceptable – it is always violence and an abuse of power.

There are a couple of things positive discipline is not:

  • It is not manipulation or bribing.  Manipulating statements tend to sound like this, “If you____, then I _____.”  Having preconditions on behavior sets up a precedence for incentive based behavior.  These kinds of interactions are missing trust.  The other thing you don’t want to instill is fear: what happens if I don’t take the bait?
  • It is not ignoring the behavior and never addressing the child’s actions.  While it is sometimes prudent to ignore a naughty word choice just in case your child is doing it for attention or the thrill factor, ignoring behaviors that hurt or injure others is not being AP.  It would be neglectful and disrespectful of the other people being hurt by your child’s choices.

The three main components of AP discipline are Prevention, Distraction and Substitution:

  • Letting your child explore safely letting them explore, be close, do their own thing
  • Use time in vs. time out
  • Empower and respect
  • Understand the unmet need
  • Work out a solution together – be proactive
  • Have a “yes” environment
  • Discipline through play – act out the better choices with dolls or puppets
  • Change things up – “Change your state” by changing your environment
  • State facts rather than making demands
  • Avoid labeling
  • Make requests in the affirmative
  • Allow natural consequences that are age appropriate
  • Use care when offering praise
  • Offer your child choices
  • Be sensitive to strong emotions – what else is going on?
  • Consider carefully before imposing will
  • Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion
  • Understand the difference between acting out and developmentally appropriate behaviors
  • Give loving guidance to needs and the temperament of each child

What are your child’s developmental milestones?  Here are a couple of sites that I use:

  • Find good info at Zero to Three (Their sleep info isn’t what we follow, however, developmental info is pretty good.)
  • Another great resource that is generally spot-on with our parenting choices is Aha! Parenting by Dr. Laura Markham.  Her website has developmental milestones and resources for parents from birth through the teen years.  I have a feeling I am going to be wearing a “virtual” beaten path to her site as our family grows 🙂

What does AP discipline look like in action?  AP parents want to connect with their children, so we use words to direct behavior.  The example was a child who is learning to use scissors and wants to cut everything besides paper.

  1. Tell your reason:  “I can’t let you cut the carpet because…”
  2. Ask them to tell you why they shouldn’t be doing something, or tell them why if they are too young to use words.
  3. Ask them to tell you what is an appropriate choice, or offer one if they are too young to act out or verbalize an appropriate choice: ” If you do not want to cut paper right now, I can let you cut the grass – should we go try using scissors outside?”

The “biggie” in any family or playgroup is hitting.  How does an AP parent want to handle that?

  1. Talk to your child before intervening: “I can see that you are getting frustrated.  Can you think of some words to use with your sibling/friend?  Or maybe you want to try playing something else (or: by yourself, come sit with me for a minute)?”  Hopefully that is enough to get them to make a different choice and avoid a physical expression.  If it isn’t…
  2. Comfort hurt child first: “I am so sorry (s)he hit you – (s)he didn’t use their words – are you okay?”
  3. Don’t force an apology: “When you are ready, I would like you to say you are sorry for hurting them.”  Having it be their choice usually gives yields an immediate, or at least timely, apology.  You want it to be their choice, instead of adding to their frustration by having another interaction in which they feel a loss of control. 

What if you mess up?  Apologize – Reconnect – Rebond
You can read about one of my very worst days this summer HERE. Although it was painful as it happened, and very embarrassing to write about, I shared it in the hopes that it will give you courage to forgive yourself if it happens to you.

I will close with an on-line resource that I also like to read over to remind myself of the positive discipline “tools” in my “toolbox”.  Head on over to Positive Parenting Connection and see what you think.

What are your go-to positive discipline tools?

Monday Musings: Breathe First

The picture in the top image is of our boys’ room.  Do you want to take a guess what it’s covered in?

Charger came into our bedroom right before it was time for them to go to dance class.  His clothes, which were a bright royal blue when he got dressed in the morning, were now a dusky gray.  My first reaction was panic – the first thing that ran through my mind was that they had knocked down a structural wall and were covered in insulation…and then I panicked about Night Owl’s asthma…the mind of a mother!

I took a deep breath and asked him what happened.  He replies, “I got dirty!” as he is laughing hysterically.  I asked him with what, and then I smelled him…I had an inkling that our walls were still standing.

We had just gotten back from our summer home in the mountains where it is a good 20-30 degrees cooler than where we live during the school year.  They were hot, and they decided that the best way to cool off was to have a snowstorm.  In their room. With baby powder.

So they had a snowstorm, made an ice skating rink, did some ice skating, and had an awesome time being rascals together.  Epic.

While it was really hard not to react to the mess, the fine particles in the air (I have never used baby powder on them – it was a gift when Puma was a baby wight years ago and I have such a hard time throwing things out “just in case”), we just got them in the car and told them to help us clean up when they got home.

After some thinking, we decided to talk to them about different scenarios.  When would it be okay to make a snowstorm with baby powder?  We decided that the next time they wanted to do this, we would do it outside.

We also asked Night Owl, who so far is the instigator of these crazy ideas (we have SO many stories…I may tell you about the “ice ship” if we ever get around to telling more stories), to please talk to us first, so that we can help him execute his ideas as safely as possible, and with minimal indoor clean-up required!

In case you like these affirmations and would like a pretty, peaceful picture, here is another version that you can download:

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Wishing you a great week!

How do you handle it when your kiddos get “creative”?

Monday Musings: Being Gentle

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We are working on being “gentle” – all of us.  With me, I am mindful to be gentle with my words.  I know that my words are not just words.  The tone, the meaning – they are all conveyed and sometimes the message gets lost.

With our children, we are really trying to drive home the idea of “gentle words” and “gentle hands”.  They get frustrated so easily, and the easiest way for them to express that is to lash out by yelling or to using their hands.

Do you have any books that you read to your kiddos, or websites that have helpful tips to teach children about being gentle?  We like aha! parenting, as well as Love & Logic…time to go back and review some articles!  Please leave your suggestions in the comments – thank you!!

Parenting Affirmation

I really need this reminder this week as our schedule gets more added into as the weeks go by.  Our summer sojourn is over…now we are full speed ahead with a homeschooling schedule, field trips, meetings and events that promote The Bradley Method…and add in the preparation and support for the two classes of wonderful families we are honored to work with this Fall session…I will be soft and gentle.  I have to be in order to facilitate the trust and respect I want to have with my children.

Thoughtful Thursday: Fears

Did you catch these pictures yesterday?

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Otter could not get enough of this friendly little snake, called a Rosy Boa.  I felt a little better knowing that this was a snake who had already reached it’s full size.  It took everything in me to get close to take pictures…OMGosh my skin was crawling and my tummy was doing flips and still, I wanted to contain my scream and encourage my children in their safe exploration.

It turns out that I learned this fear…did you know that we are only born with two fears?  We are born with the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises…makes sense that those are built into our DNA as survival mechanisms.  Everything else we are afraid of, we learned to be afraid of.

I tucked this little factoid away in my management days…I was always looking to learn new information about how to inspire people.  Now I have four wonderful people who I want to inspire to live life to the fullest…and I have to set my own fears aside so that they can explore, learn and grow in their world.  I did tell them how brave I thought they were to be petting so many snakes (there were three there and they touched all three of them!!!)

On a side note, I was so glad to hear the presenter tell the children that even if they thought the snake was friendly, never to touch or attempt to pet a snake in the wild.  We will be driving that lesson home since we have a “pet” snake at our summer house.  It’s actually a king snake that burrows near our home, and I am happy to let him have his space since he eats rattlesnakes.

They could tell I was afraid.  After thinking about it, I really need to come up with an answer besides, “I don’t like snakes.”  I am teaching them fear and prejudice with that answer.  While I know some fears are probably considered “healthy fears”, I do not want to teach them one that hinders their exploration or respect for other living creatures.  I was thinking I can say something like, “Snakes make me feel uncomfortable.  Mommy is so glad to see you exploring, though. I think you are so brave.  Thank you for showing me I do not have to be afraid.”

So, another parenting lesson learned and filed away for our next Animal Encounter experience.  We will be going back next month, so I will have a chance to get it right!

What do you think?  Do you have any fears that you do or do not want to teach your children?  How do you handle those situations??

 

Learning and Growing Every Day

As a ballroom dance instructor, I invited my students to step out of their comfort zone every day.  As a parent, I watch our children learn and grow on a regular basis, and do my part to facilitate their growth as much as I can.  As a childbirth educator, we teach people who are interested in natural childbirth to become informed consumers and take responsibilty, among other things.  And yet, I forgot all about applying all these lessons to myself.

Backstory:  Being a homeschooling mom of four, three of who are involved in outside activities four days a week, plus our own classes on the fifth day of the week – we are always on the go, go, go!  Weekends are busy with social engagements and church.  As a partner, I seek to support my husband in his work and make sure I am telling him how much I love and appreciate him on a regular basis.  I try to remember to breathe and apply the relaxation practice we learned when we were students of The Bradley Method® when I am feeling frazzled (it happens!).  I try to read about birth and breastfeeding at every opportunity, and one of my guiding principles is to learn something new every day.

I am, for the most part, a believer.  I am a Believer and have faith in God.  I believe in the power of positive thinking tempered with a healthy pinch of realism.  I believe we are called to love, and I try to Live Love.  I want to inspire others, especially our children, to find their gifts and pursue them so they can live a life full of joy and with no regrets.

In all the busy-ness, I left out one piece.  What am I doing to grow as an individual?  What am I doing that makes me uncomfortable?  I have set some goals – what have I done to get them done instead of letting simply sit on the paper I wrote them on?

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As life would have it, I have been crossing paths with Blue Russ for over a year now.  We met on Facebook since we run in the concurrent circles of homebirth and green living.  We finally got to meet in person through an event hosted by Moxie Midwifery last fall.  Blue was kind enough to be our monthly family-friendly featured business in our June newsletter.  After getting to know her better (read her complete interview HERE), I decided to take the plunge and sign up for a complimentary personal health strategy session.

There were/are a lot of reasons not to do it.  I knew I was going to be uncomfortable.  To talk about my health means talking about all the things I am doing wrong in my life.  It means taking responsibility for the extra weight I am carrying around that is not healthy.  It means actually having to do something about it instead of just hating the person that I see in the mirror.  What really convinced me to talk with Blue is her statement that, “No counting calories or grams of nutrients. No judgment. No food is off limits. No deprivation.”  

DSC_7250©2012 BCFlix Photography:  I dislike the way I look so much, that I cropped myself out of this picture when I printed it for our family album.  What kind of message does that send our children?  Whether or not I lose the weight, I want to be “okay” with myself again.

The fact that she assured me that she was not going to make me feel guilty, and offer a safe space, convinced me to take the next step and get uncomfortable.  It’s time to have a positive self-image.  I owe it to our daughters to walk my talk – beauty *is* more than skin deep.  When they tell me I am pretty as all daughters do, I want to believe it, whether or not I get to my target weight.  I owe it to my sons, so that they can meet partners of substance.  I owe it to my husband – I want to feel and be attractive in all aspects of our relationship.  Most importantly, I owe it to myself.  I am tired of the self-loathing and the guilt of feeling like I am not good enough simply because I don’t like the shape I see in the mirror.

The  session with Blue was all that I thought it would be and more.  We started with a breathing exercise to clear my mind and dedicate the next hour to just being present.  I got to leave my list outside the door! (How did she know?)

Next, Blue guided me through some questions to help me find clarity about what my health goal really is, and to help me develop some strategies to reach that goal.  We did that by centering, identifying priorities, and then identifying possible obstacles to that goal.

Finally, we ended with an action plan.  She guided me through devising what the next steps are in reaching my health goal.  How am I going to get there?  How is Blue going to guide me to the next level?

To say today was transformational is an understatement.  In her gentle, wise way, Blue led me through a series of questions that finally uncovered some of my fears about losing weight.  It was such a gift to take some time to focus inward and to think.  I feel like for the first time in nine years, I can actually do something about losing the extra fluffiness that built up over nine years of being pregnant five times.  Now that I know what has been holding me back, I can work on letting go of my fears.  I can focus on getting to a weight that is safe for my heart, and that will allow me to meet at least two more generations of our growing family.

The great news about working with Blue is that you do not have to be in the Phoenix area for her to work with you as a health coach.  She makes great use of technology and you can connect with her via Skype, Facebook and Twitter.  Read more about her in our Inside Look: Blue Russ feature on Sweet Pea Births, and visit her website www.blueruss.com for more information about the services and classes that she offers in-person and online.

coaching session

I am scared and hopeful at the same time.  I feel like I can really do this, for the first time in long time.  I also have peace of mind that even if I don’t get to my target weight, working with Blue is going to yield a heart-healthier and image-healthier lifestyle.  It was great to stretch out of my comfort zone, and “sharpen the saw” as the old saying goes.  Whether you engage with a personal health coach, or some other kind of way to get uncomfortable and grow, go for it!  You can only get better and better.

Mother’s Day 2013

Happy Mother’s Day!!  This is a wonderful day for most mothers in the United States.  We are showered with love, congratulatory greetings, phone calls, texts, emails, gifts…all in honor of the fact that we are mothers.

I love being a mother, and I love that there is one day when our families take the time to recognize that ours is a 24/7 commitment.  On the other hand, the older I get, the more aware I am that this holiday can be the holiday from H.E.double-hockey-sticks for other people.

People who recently lost a loved mother, grandmother, or other female relative who was like a mother.  People who lost a kindred spirit who was like a mother to them.  Women who just lost their life partner, the ones with whom they shared the journey of parenthood.  Parents and children who are estranged from each other, no matter whose “fault” it is.  Women who tried desperately to conceive and whose time never came.  Women who recently suffered a miscarriage.  Women who have suffered the loss of a child, at whatever age in their lives.  How do they ever answer the question, “How many children do you have?”  Transgender people who are born with the desire to bear children and without the anatomical equipment to be gestational parents.  All of them are suffering in silence most days.  Today is especially difficult for all these people who are watching and expected to participate in the “greeting card” version of a holiday on steroids.

So in the midst of all the joy, congratulations and celebration of the work of our wombs, I also want to send special love to the people who fall outside of “the circle” today.  I wish I could give you a hug in person and support you the way you need to be supported.  I feel you and wish you love.

Our family suffered the loss of a beloved mother and grandmother figure this March.  The realization I came to after her passing has been incredibly freeing and empowering.  I am no longer trying to compete with past constructs of motherhood in my life.  I am simply looking forward and looking for my children to guide me.

These are the introspections I make that are guiding my mother-journey today:

    • What is my mothering philosophy?  
    • Am I following my philosophy and leading our children, or am I simply reacting?
    • Can I use humor to diffuse the situation?
    • How do I want our children to remember me?
    • As individuals, what kind of mother does that child need me to be?  (i.e., which Love Language do they speak?)
    • How can I best help them grow into their full potential?
    • How can I help them discover their gifts so that they can enjoy them for their lifetime?

Taking the pressure off of having to “be better than”, and looking at the future helps me to deal with the little daily frustrations.  On a daily basis we deal with bickering amongst the siblings, the endless duties around the home, the kitchen that always needs cleaning, the laundry that doesn’t quit, a schoolroom that needs to be straightened – again.  I look at my motherhood as a path, a journey I am on with our children.  I can take on today – it is only a day in what I wish and pray will be our long journey together.

At the end of the day, I want us all to be happy, whole, fulfilled individuals who love each other because we value one another for who we are.  I don’t ever want them to make a choice because they want to please me – I want them to make a choice because they know it is the right one for them.

We are still walking that path together.  I look forward to another 365 days of meandering along that path joyfully with our family.  Please take a minute today to celebrate the mothers in your life.  Take it a step further and hug someone who is suffering in silence today.  Let them know that while you can’t take away their pain, you care and you love them.