Tag Archives: grief

Blessed Receiving

As I seek to find the lessons through this season of grief, I am learning two more things… the true meaning of the word, incredible; and that there is also a blessing in receiving.

Let’s talk about incredible first: the Google definition says 1. impossible to believe; 2. difficult to believe, extraordinary.

It is incredible that since March 23 of this year, four people in or near our family circle have passed from this earth. As I write this, Daddy Bruss is on his way to see his mother, who may also be reaching the point where she needs end of life care. Incredible.

Also incredible is this calling I am answering from God to provide support to one of these families through their time of grief. I am not at liberty to share the details. What I can tell you: we serve a LIVING GOD. The pain they feel: Incredible. The little miracles that are happening, the daily answers to prayer – there is no other explanation other than the supernatural is in play here. Incredible.

The other lesson that I am learning is that although the Bible tells us that it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35), it is also a blessing to receive with grace.

So much in our U.S. culture is rooted in independent, do-it-yourself resourcefulness. We pride ourselves on being “self-made”, on “pulling ourselves up from our bootstraps”, “dusting ourselves off”, and “starting all over again”.

When we teach classes on postpartum, we talk about the importance of accepting help after the baby is born. It requires us, as adults, to do what we have been indoctrinated against in our churches and in our culture…actually say YES and RECEIVE when someone offers to help us.

As we have experienced incredible grief, and watch others around us experience grief, it becomes apparent that postpartum is not the only time that we need to say YES to help that is offered. If people are blessed by giving to us, then we are acting in grace to receive the gifts with an open and humble heart. Although maybe we are more comfortable giving, grief is another season that grows us in the art of receiving.

As we are in our season of change, I need to be gracious and accept the offers of help from all the students that we have had the honor of helping through the years. As hard as it is for me to accept help, I am saying YES.

The image that rested on my heart as we entered this season was a story about Moses. One of the Old Testament stories relates a time when his father-in-law tells him that the job of shepherding the tribes of Israel is more than one person can handle alone. He proposes a system of governance so that Moses can find helpers and also remain in his role of service to the people. I am so grateful that these words are in my heart, and for these stories that serve as an example.

Those that know me well know how much I love to give, and how much joy, I receive from being a “giver”. Beyond that, I wonder if even some of my self-worth is tied up in being in a position of giving.  I can see now that this lesson is timely and that it is one I needed to learn.  Mark off another notch on the growth chart…I am growing again.

As I apply this lesson to the season of change we are in, I can see that grief is big. Changing homes and saying goodbye to what we thought was our forever home is big. And handling these things at the same time – even bigger. So I am learning to say YES. I am not in a season of blessed giving…I am in a season of graceful receiving.

Tell me your story – how have you been blessed by receiving?

Season of Change

Seasons – such a great analogy for the pathways through life. Cassandra wrote about the current season she is in recently – that of FOMO and realizing that she IS just where she needs to be *for now*.

We happen to be in a season of loss.  Loneliness. Isolation. Grief can be a very complex place to travel – while you know the pain you are feeling, it’s not something that others can see. It’s hard to walk around with a broken heart, yet you are expected to interact sanely with other people. When all you want to do is cry or scream at every reminder that you are hurt and yet – SMILE. BE NICE. Pretend you don’t feel crazy right now.

Let me back-track a little…we are very blessed. Our lives are rich in blessings: healthy children, good health for us, the opportunity to pursue an educational path that works for our family, work that is fulfilling. We give thanks for our blessings every day.

So much of the work that I do outside of homeschooling our children is centered around pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding – the joyful welcoming and nourishment of new life, and helping families cope when there are complications that stem from pregnancy or the birth journey…yet it all goes back to LIFE and living.

This season of loss is completely new to our family. It started last fall when a mom at the dance studio passed away in a car accident…since then, several other losses of close friends, acquaintances, and my husband’s father two weeks ago. Five services or funerals in all. And now one more family member is in critical care – oh my heart.

As mush as I hurt, these are friends and acquaintances for the most part…I can only imagine what the families are going through as we are grieving with Bruss’s family. For those of you that pray, please keep all the families affected by these losses in your thoughts and prayers. Husbands are grieving wives, fathers and mothers are grieving their daughters, children are grieving their mothers and fathers…it takes my breath away to think of the pain people carry throughout their day.

While I am hurting, is not my heart that concerns me. I am an adult and I have coping strategies. What is really on my heart is my children – how do we nurture them and reassure them that while all this loss feels overwhelming right now, this is only a season??? Three of the people in those five: mothers. A couple of our sweet peas are having separation anxiety, there is definitely more patience required for all of them on a daily basis. Their questions and behavior indicate that they are starting to wonder if I am next on the list of mothers that is going to be moving on to the next journey. (note to self: call an art therapist: stat)

On top of all this emotional turmoil, we are going to be moving – so now the loss of their childhood home in preparation for a calling we have to be ready.

I wonder: why is our family being “forced” to learn about grief? What is the lesson? It feels like a sloughing off of all the material things that are not important.  Now we can **really** appreciate the things that matter: family, health, living a life with meaning and intention.

What are we holding on to? The promise of SPRING after the season of Winter. I know this is only a season; this, too, shall pass.  I wonder: is it also a preparation for “real life”? We have been in “summer” (abundance, comfort, security) for so long, it had to cycle…is this a call to be humble and walk with more humility? Is it helping us all recognize that it will continue to cycle as we grow and walk in the Lord? I don’t know…all I do is keep searching for the lesson in all that has been happening.

This story from the Bible is first and foremost on my mind: the one about the bridesmaids waiting for the bridegroom – five were ready with oil for their lamps, and five were not.  The parable of readiness is really resonating: we don’t want to miss an opportunity. In our particular case, we want to be ready to travel light if we feel the call to do so. Is that across the country, or living abroad? Only time will tell.

So we are holding on to that: Be Ready. We are now going through the process of sorting through every room so that we can pack light for the next season, whatever it may hold. We have all seen and can appreciate what is really important – having each other, and taking care of our health so that we can live for the purpose God is calling us to fulfill.

And so starts the healing process – learning to GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I was really sad and angry when I read that verse out-loud in our daily Bible reading two weeks ago. I lost it in front our sweet peas, and honestly told them that I wasn’t ready to give thanks yet.  Writing today, I can see that from that anger, I have grown to a point where I can write with some gratitude for this season.

What have you learned from grief? First of all, I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I would be tremendously grateful for any light you can shed on this season.

May the peace of the Lord and the grace of God be with you today…I am certainly learning to lean on it more, and to take comfort from the fact that we are children of a Living God.

Monday Musing: Mother’s Day

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

~Jill Churchill

Celebrating the day with our four children yesterday was amazing.  We are so blessed to have them in our lives.  I often marvel that I was chosen to be their mother – they are each of them teaching me lessons that I need to learn.  I thank God that he trusted me to grow them and nurture their souls, and pray that I don’t break them as I learn the lessons He sent with them!

I am also painfully aware that Mother’s Day might be hell on earth for other women: the women who have angels waiting in heaven from miscarriage, stillbirth or child loss, to those who’s hearts are heavy as they struggle with infertility, or because they never conceived and their childbearing days are over.  Maybe this is the first year without their own mother who has been called on to the next journey, or it is one of the successive years after the loss of their own mother that still carries a dull ache. 

For at least a month leading up to the event and for the whole second Sunday of May, every retailer, card company and television commercial is grinding salt into their wound.  I propose that it is up to us to mother these women – we can be the ones to love them, cherish them, listen to them, cry with them – just be with them without offering platitudes and trite words.   Make an effort and plan time with them – be available if they want to talk or share memories. Here are some places I go for word reminders when I am going to be “holding space” with them:

So how does the quote above tie-in? I am reminded once again that I have an incredible gift: four healthy, vibrant children that are very much alive.  I owe it to them to learn what makes them “tick”.  I owe it to them to put away my screens and literally face-time with them beyond doing our school-work together.  Hug them every day.  Look them in the eye every day.  Tell them they are loved, cherished and show them that they are respected every day.  Ask them what they want to do this week and make sure that the reasonable requests get planned and get done. The unreasonable requests present opportunities for creative play – something we can definitely do more. Since I am so list-driven, I lose sight of creative play – time to bring it back!

I will never be perfect – I can however, do my very best to be good to them and do good for them all throughout their day.

Remembrance Day

It seems trite to name today a “tip” day, although I have included links for more information at the end of today’s post.

October 15th is recognized as the day when those of us who have lost children in pregnancy and infancy honor their memory.  It is a day to acknowledge their presence in our lives.  Even if we never got to hold them, their passage through our lives leaves us changed forever.

We hardly ever talk about it – especially as Bradley teachers, the last thing want to do is freak our students out with stories of miscarriage.  Since it is part of our family story, I record it here for our children to read when they are ready.

I bought hardly anything with our first pregnancy because I bled the whole time.  I dreaded our baby showers.  I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When we did have a healthy baby at the end of months of “pelvic rest” and bed rest, and I resolved to enjoy my next pregnancy.

We found out we were pregnant a few days before we left on a vacation.  I had originally noticed that Puma (then 18 months) wasn’t very interested in nursing – she said my milk tasted salty.  Then I took a pregnancy test – positive!  We were so excited, we called my mom and my sister right away.  We called the doctor to find out if it was safe to travel – they gave us the all clear, and we set a “pregnancy confirmation” appointment upon our return from vacation.

So off we went on our plane trip.  About three days in, I started bleeding.  Not just brown discharge – red bleeding with cramping.  We called our doctor again – they said there was nothing to do.  If it was heavy, they suggested we go to an E/R to make sure we didn’t need a D&C.  It wasn’t too much more than a menses, and it stopped over the next couple of days…it was clear what had happened.  The confirmation came when Puma resumed breastfeeding on her normal schedule because my milk tasted good to her again.

My heart broke!  I had taken a risk and bought a little outfit for the baby at our destination (which is still set aside; I never had the heart to put it on our other children).  I had signed and mailed a postcard with the name “Baby Bowman”.  I had loved this baby already and had let myself get excited.  There are no words that can capture the emotions I felt over the next few weeks.

The passage of time has helped.  I still wonder what that baby would have been like if it had been healthy and made it to term.  It would have been a Spring baby – the one season we are missing in our family birthday calendar.

Seven years later, I can say I have gratitude for the experience.  I am so grateful it was a first trimester loss.  Since then, we have had friends experience loss after they were showing their pregnancy; after they had felt their baby’s movements.  As a birth-worker, there are friends of mine have held sacred spaces with families who lost babies during childbirth.  Given the grief I felt when our early-term pregnancy ended, that kind of loss is unimaginable to me. When I was pregnant with Otter, I heard three birth stories that ended with loss…our experience leaves me grateful that we were spared the pain these families felt, and may still feel very keenly.

The hardest thing for me, with any loss, is that life goes on.  Inside, I feel torn up – I want to scream with the grief, and about injustice that has been done.  Yet the world does not know that there is a hole in my heart, a void in the pit of my body, an emptiness that is so overwhelming that all I want to do is roll up in a ball and just be away, curled up in the dark.  It expects me to be sane, normal, kind and reasonable.  My children expect to see their mommy just as she has always been.

If nothing else, our experiences with loss, miscarriage and otherwise, have vividly illustrated the platitude that says we should be kind to one another since we cannot know what kind of baggage other people are carrying.  They are not just pretty words anymore.  That person who doesn’t return your smile – who doesn’t coo at your sweet baby – who can’t be bothered to hold the door – who doesn’t realize they just cut you off.  Give them space, whether you think they deserve it or not.  If they are being jerks, that is their Karma.  If they are truly in pain over a loss they have experienced, your kindness is a ripple of love that may reach them subconsciously – just a little more love to fill their “love tank” in a world where they feel a huge void of love.

I wish all of you that have experienced miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss much peace today.  I pray that your spirit will be filled with a “peace that surpasses all understanding”. (Phil 4:7)

While I believe that we are on this Earth to make a difference, and I want to live every day to the fullest, I am not going to lie.  I am also biding my time and waiting for the day when I get to meet all these beautiful heavenly children that we never got to meet here on earth.

While there is no day to remember all those children lost to abortion, I love this image and wanted to share it today, too. Click on picture for link to the story about the artist and her vision.

While I do not know of a day to remember all those children lost to abortion, I love this image and wanted to share it today, too. Click on picture for link to the story about the artist and her vision. *This is not a political statement* Simply a recognition that some of those mothers feel loss, too.

Do you want to support someone who has experienced a loss?  Here are some places to start reading about grief support?

Bereavement and Support Website for Care Providers and Families
http://www.babylosscomfort.com/
“Women who have suffered the loss of a baby are postpartum mothers too. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death leave women requiring not just emotional but also physical support.”  This site offers words to share and comfort, healing gifts, and links to more resources.

Owl Love You Forever
http://owlloveyouforever.com/
Our hope is to create a memorable and positive hospital experience for families that lose their baby before, during, or shortly after giving birth.  We provide boxes with meaningful items for the families, including specially designed blanket sets and a soft stuffed owl.  Help us fill these grieving mom’s arms by donating online today.

Have you experienced pregnancy loss?  Here are some resources that our students have found helpful:

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep 
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ 
They offer the free gift of professional portraiture and remembrance photography to parents suffering the loss of a baby.  “The NILMDTS Foundation is there for parents and families to help aid them in their Healing, bring Hope to their future, and Honor their child.  It is through Remembrance that a family can truly begin to heal.”  They feel that these images serve as an important step in the family’s healing process by honoring their child’s legacy.

Arizona Perinatal Loss Bereavement Resource, Banner Desert Medical Center
1400 S. Dobson Road, Mesa, 85202
480-512-3595
Provides a network of support for those experiencing a pregnancy or infant loss. This resource gives parents a statewide network of support, current bereavement literature on a variety of topics, educational opportunities and resources in the community, state and national level.

The Compassionate Friends
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx
The Compassionate Friends is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child at any age and to provide information to help others be supportive.   They offer a safe place for bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings to meet and talk freely about your child and your grief issues.

M.I.S.S. Foundation
www.missfoundation.org
The M.I.S.S. Foundation provides immediate and ongoing support to grieving families through community volunteerism opportunities, public polic y and legislative education and programs to reduce infant and toddler death through research and education.

M.E.N.D. Mother’s Enduring Neonatal Death
http://www.mend.org/ 
M.E.N.D. (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) is a Christian, non-profit organization that reaches out to families who have suffered the loss of a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death.

HAND Helping After Neonatal Death
http://www.handonline.org/ 
HAND is a resource network of parents, professionals, and supportive volunteers that offers a variety of services throughout Northern California and the Central Valley.

SHARE Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc
http://www.nationalshare.org/ 
The mission of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. is to serve those whose lives are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.

A christian site for baby loss:
http://www.sarahs-laughter.com/

Glow In The Woods
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ 
This website deals with all kinds of baby loss.  There is also lots of helpful advice for things you may have to deal with depending on the stage of loss like stopping lactation, planing a funeral, and how to help others going through a loss.

BOOKS
Picture Book: “We Were Gonna Have A Baby, But We Have An Angel Instead”
http://www.amazon.com/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315324134&sr=8-1

Book: Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Cradle-Broken-Revised-Edition/dp/1555913024 
The heartache of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death affects thousands of U.S. families every year. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart offers reassurance to parents who struggle with anger, guilt, and despair after such tragedy. Deborah Davis encourages grieving and makes suggestions for coping. This book strives to cover many different kinds of loss, including information on issues such as the death of one or more babies from a multiple birth, pregnancy interruption, and the questioning of aggressive medical intervention. There is also a special chapter for fathers as well as a chapter on “protective parenting” to help anxious parents enjoy their precious living children. Doctors, nurses, relatives, friends, and other support persons can gain special insight. Most importantly, parents facing the death of a baby will find necessary support in this gentle guide. If reading this book moves you to cry, try to accept this reaction. Your tears merge with those of other grieving parents.

A purpose of this book is to let bereaved parents know that they are not alone in their grief. With factual information and the words and insights of other bereaved parents, you can establish realistic expectations for your grief. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart is meant to help you through these difficult experiences by giving you things to think about, providing suggestions for coping and encouraging you to do what you need to survive your baby’s death. Whether your baby dies recently or long ago, this information can be useful to you.

Book: “An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir”
http://www.amazon.com/Exact-Replica-Figment-My-Imagination/dp/B004WB19VC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1315324059&sr=8-1

Placenta Encapsulation – Wendy Diaz, PBi™ PES
naturallybirthing@cox.net
Her encapsulation services are free for bereaving mothers.  Wendy will also add herbs to the capsules that help dry up the milk supply.

Book: About What Was Lost: 20 Writers About Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/427371.About_What_Was_Lost

ONLINE GROUPS
Faces of Loss Faces of Hope
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Faces-Of-Loss-Faces-Of-Hope/128929057151139

Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss
https://www.facebook.com/miscarriage

Angel Baby – Miscarriage and loss
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Angel-Baby-Miscarriage-and-loss/120451244647218