Tag Archives: Capture Motherhood

Just One More

Our sweet friend that I was praying for was called home to be with our Lord last week.  I really feel like we got a miracle, although it wasn’t the one for a complete recovery.  She was able to have two lucid days to recognize, share and laugh with all the family and friends that came to see her. The doctors were shaking their heads in disbelief on Sunday…and she lived for two more days beyond that. It was a gift to share two more days with her here on earth – for that I am grateful.

As I looked for pictures of her, I started to panic. I knew I had one of her that I loved…and it took almost two hours to find it because I had to go that far back in our digital files.  After I finally found it, it was bittersweet. I had the picture I wanted, yet in the process of looking, I realized how few I had of her to remember her by, and I have not even one of the two of us together.

Neither of us was crazy about having our picture taken, and knowing how much I hated to have my picture taken, I wanted to honor her wish not to be photographed.  In my head, we had years with her…why would I need a picture to remember her by? This was a person with whom we celebrated birthdays, who we saw over the summer in the mountains, who we could pop in and see on the weekend…why would I risk upsetting her for the sake of a memory when I knew she was a forever kind of friend?

Along those lines, I am also going to encourage you to make memories now. We are all tired, short on time, and have homes in various states of disarray.  Lately, every time she was on my mind, I would hear she was in the hospital again.  Instead of taking the time to go see her after each discharge, I said a prayer of thanksgiving that she was well, thinking that there was still plenty of time. I had envisioned that we would travel with them after our children were older – and by then we wouldn’t care about taking pictures, right???

Wrong on both counts – our friendship is out of time, and I sit here with a short stack of pictures to share with our children when we talk about this wonderful friend who came to visit each of them after they were born, who came to baptisms and birthday celebrations, who kept special toys in her home for the times when children came to visit…so little of that is recorded because I wanted to honor her desire to stay off camera.

What is the fine line between respecting someone and recording their presence in your life? I still don’t know. Personally, it has made me grateful that I heard Jen McClellan of Plus Size Birth speak at a conference two years ago. Her message to “Capture Motherhood” really resonated with me, and since then, I have made an effort to be in more pictures with our family.

So today, I am going to add one more voice to the growing body of posts on the blogosphere that say: take the pictures. Life is messy, and for too long we have been deceived that the only worthy pictures are the “perfect” ones that we would print on a holiday card.  The truth is that out of the whole year, there are only 2-3 days that we really dress up for; that leaves 362 days of “real life” that we have the rest of the time.  Catch some of it on camera…so those that want to remember you in pictures will have something to look at and share along with all the wonderful stories of living life with you.

Along with taking more pictures, I am also going to try to remember to tell people what I love and appreciate about them more often. This friend was part of my journey of becoming a mother – I don’t know if I could ever thank her enough for her help the first time I tried to breastfeed in public. Without her by my side, I would have been even more of a mess that first time.  She calmed me down, found a way for me to latch Puma in privacy, and sat by my side as tears of pain and embarrassment rolled down my face. I know I thanked her that day.  Looking back, I can see how pivotal that moment was for me, and I wish I had told her again how much that moment means to me today. It always felt silly to want to say something…now I wish I had.

If you have those special people in your life, give them an extra big squeeze today as you tell them why they are important to you.  And get that picture with them, too.  Capture life.

My story of hearing Jen speak HERE

Jen’s Plus Size Birth blog HERE

Birth Without Fear events HERE

Motherhood Journey: 11 years and counting

Puma was born in the wee hours of the morning, eleven years ago today.  It has been quite the ride.  As the day started yesterday, I thought about the fact that we were already in labor with her on the 24th, and how we had to wait 24+ hours to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

It also made me reflect on the many lessons I have learned as a mother over the last few years. I am not going to write them all down…here are some highlights.

Everything is better with sleep. We first learned this in her birth journey.  We had to make some decisions for her birth that we wouldn’t have had to face if I had given into the exhaustion and slept. The lesson has remained with me since that day. If either myself or the Sweet Peas are not “ourselves”, then it’s off for a nap-time or an early bedtime.  The household is much gentler when we are all rested.

Tears and fun do not go together. Whether it’s playing a game, reading a book, trying out a new concept in school…if someone is crying (including me!), then it’s not the right time for whatever we are doing.  Sometimes we need to refer back to No.1. Other times, especially when it’s school-related, it means that I need to check my gut and see if maybe the Sweet Pea isn’t ready for the concept, or if I need to get creative and present it in a different way.  If I pay attention, then the day turns around quickly.

Anger is an unmet need. Our chiropractor, Dr. Ross, gave me words to express this little nugget of wisdom!  Inevitably, our Sweet Peas forget that I am not a mind-reader.  Or that I can’t hear more than one thing at a time…when they are all talking to me I will miss something, and then down the line someone is angry or upset…because I didn’t hear them!  When I see that one of the children is angry or upset, then I get right down to their eye-level and ask them, “What did you think was going to happen?  Can I help make it better?”

Find time for connection.  As parents, we have a running “to-do” list. I can become focused on it to the point of forgetting to spend meaningful time with our Sweet Peas.  It helped me to realize that what I think of as “time” and their concept of “time” are two completely different things.  Five to ten minutes of undivided attention means the world to them.  Whether it’s asking them to bring me their favorite book, or telling them I can play dolls…Legos…kitchen…cars….with them until the timer rings; that time when I am on the floor with them means the whole world to them, and it only takes me a fraction of the day.  After all, I had them with intention, and they are the most important “work” of my life.  When I flip my perspective, it makes me realize how the rest of what I do is mundane and time with them IS the most important time I will spend in the day.

Parent individually. Each child requires you to be a unique mother. Each one has a different “love language“. Recognize, honor and respect their individuality. They need something different, and you one size does not fit all, even within our own family. Along the same tangent, if I spend my time trying to mother “better than ___”, everyone loses. Don’t look forward, don’t look back, resist the temptation to look around – look down.  What does the little person in front of you that moment need from you right now? Then give it to them with your whole heart. I have found that nothing is as rewarding as the spontaneous hug or kiss because I am there. Present.

Peaceful Mama rocks motherhood. This mama is well-rested, centered, joyful, and handles the upsets of the day with panache.  Crazy Mama is just how she sounds…CRAY CRAY!! She yells at the smallest provocation, she’s generally loud, and nobody likes her; least of all, me.  I took some time to reflect and some personal coaching I did with Blue Russ helped me realize that at the crux of all the yelling was lack of sleep.  When I get more sleep, things are automagically better.  To enhance the peacefulness, I start off my morning with a meditation and a prayer for the day’s intentions…those are the keys for Peaceful Mama to reign.  Finally, I top it off with flower essences and chocolate every day.  Magic happens!! The daily upsets of life happen, and a reasonable woman shows up to deal with them…even when yelling might be construed as appropriate.  Now, in my fantasy world, Peaceful Mama shows up every day.  Realistically, she shows up about 80-90% of the time, which is better than it used to be.

Ask for forgiveness – it matters.  For the days when Crazy Mama shows up, the most compassionate thing to do is own up to it.  I owe it to my Sweet Peas to acknowledge that I messed up and that it is my fault, not theirs.  It gives us a chance to re-set and do better for the rest of the day.  By being humble, it also shows them that humility is not to be feared.  They learn that sometimes we need to be forgiven, and that respect is earned, not given or demanded.  All these lessons are ones I hope they will remember as they grow in their own personhood and forge lasting relationships in their own lives.

Ask for help – it makes a difference.  To borrow an idea from Pam England, we have this myth in our culture that women need to do everything, do it well, and do it with a smile on their face.  It is one of the most dangerous myths we embrace, for it is asking the impossible.  Here’s an example that also reflects back to the idea of teaching humility: when I know I haven’t gotten enough sleep, I confess it to the Sweet Peas as soon as we are all up in the morning. I state up front that I am going to need help that day, and that I will also need to take a nap at some point during the day. Then we proceed through the day, with them helping instead of me just doing for them all day long.  They take on more than their usual chores. I hang up the myth of having to be Super-Mom. We all have a real day, and chances are that if I take care, Peaceful Mama can still show up through all the tiredness.

A shift in expectations can make all the difference in the world.  I just heard a great phrase from one of the grandmas that I have had the pleasure of meeting through our birth work.  She shared this nugget with me, “Every time we brought a baby home, our expectations went down another notch.”  Brilliant!!! Have you seen THIS meme from The Perfect Mess blog?

HappyKids Meme

Such a great thing to keep in mind. Back to that super-woman myth…we only hurt ourselves and continue the myth with our children by trying to do everything all the time.

It’s impossible.

Even the people who look like they have it all together have skeletons in their closet.  Trust me. There is a messy room, drawer, life skill…something that they are really good at hiding.  Which brings me to the next lesson…

Be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin, in your own priorities, and live your life the way you were meant to live it. That is the best lesson I feel I can teach our children – not perfection, not super-ness…just realness – living, learning, loving and growing every day.  As you can see, there are lots of links out to lots of people and resources in this post…they teach me and I am grateful for their lessons. There are countless other people who make up my tribe who I haven’t linked to, which brings me to…

Find your tribe. Once you know who you are and which “hats” you want to wear, this becomes more apparent.  Who are the people that nourish you? Who are the people who accept you as you are, who you don’t have to put your “face” on for?  Spend time with them. Build each other up. Encourage each other. Life’s journey is much easier when you are traveling with people, instead of comparing notes and one-upping. So. Much. Easier.

So, happy birth-day to our original Sweet Pea. She is a wonder to behold – I cannot wait to see where her life journey leads.

Which lessons have you learned as a parent?

On Capturing Motherhood

Usually when I attend a conference, I write synopsis blog posts for my readers so that they can have an “on-the-scene” recap.  As I was reading over my notes to share the wonderful presentation by Jennifer McLellan of Plus Size Birth, I had the distinct impression that it would be very unfair to her to share my notes.  She is an accomplished writer and speaker…publishing my notes would be plagiarizing her work.

So instead, I am going to share how seeing her presentation changed my life.  It was one of those lightbulb moments that will forever stand out in my memory.  Today I can see a delineation in my motherhood journey between “before Jen” and “after Jen”.

Here is a little backstory, so you can get a picture of why seeing Jennifer speak has changed my life…

I have struggled with body image since I was about five.  I have a beautiful mother and I never felt like I lived up to her.  When I was little, I had foot problems so I had to wear ugly corrective shoes.  After I outgrew those, I had to wear glasses – and not just glasses – “coke bottles”. I have terrible eyesight.  Elementary school was no fun as far as looking like a “normal” kid.

On top of that, I was a late bloomer – very much an “ugly duckling”, in the story in my head, anyway.  Once I finally felt like I fit in, I gravitated towards jobs that were heavy on body image.  I worked in the retail clothing industry when I was in college, and I was a professional dancer once upon a time; so there was a whole slew of “not thin enough” messages from those industries.

I see pictures of me when I was dancing professionally and I cannot believe that I ever thought I was “too fat” – there is one in particular that haunts me: I was skin and bones.  (Those pictures are hard to look at, too.)  Then, my thyroid went out of control with my first pregnancy and my doctor didn’t catch it until I had gained 80 pounds – gar!!  I went on to gain another 20 pounds for a total of 100 pounds of weight gain that first pregnancy.  So I went from thinking I was too fat, to now actually having a fuller figure, and real weight to lose.

What has been constant throughout most of my life: Feeling betrayed by my body.  I hated myself and I could barely stand to look in the mirror.  Makeup is the mask I hid behind, because you know, if my face is fabulous, then the rest of me is too, right??

On the flip side, I am a huge believer in the power of positive thinking, and the idea that our thoughts are things…so lots of internal conflict.  While I hated my shell, I knew I had to be positive to teach my children a healthy relationship with their body and with food.  How could I teach them to love life and believe in themselves when I could not live sincerely?

I was lucky enough to catch Jennifer speak at the 2nd Birth Without Fear Conference in Austin, TX in the fall of 2014.  I had seen some of the videos she shared in her presentation as they made their rounds on the internet (the ones I remember were from the Dove®  body image campaign; see videos HERE), and I have seen blog posts written by people encouraging people/women to stop feeling ashamed of their bodies and start embracing life…but none of them inspired me to take action. I still lived with hate in my heart towards this body that betrayed me on a daily basis.

There is something magical about Jennifer.  She started with humor, and then caught my heartstrings with her sincere message that we are enough, and that it is important to capture our motherhood.  Not just in words or pictures of our children.  

She challenged all of us to start being in images with our children.   One part of her presentation invited the audience to write a love note to themselves…that was a hard line for me to cross.  I hated my body. I knew that in the eyes of my children this body represents love, and they sincerely mean it when they say, “You are beautiful, Mommy”.  

I used to scream inside when they said that!   Learning to stop feeling betrayed by this flesh has been a slow process – one that started with biting my tongue the first time my daughter told me I was beautiful around eight years ago.  I knew that if I told her I was fat or pointed out the flaws I saw, that would be the message she would learn, too…a cycle I could not bear for her to learn.

Thanks to Jennifer’s challenge, I can put words to why I need to stop hating myself, and I have one very good reason to love myself. I keep that note I wrote in Austin at the front of my journal to inspire me to embrace my body as a partner instead of the enemy.  It is a reminder that my body is not something to hate or to be ashamed of, and instead, I am learning to treasure it as the vessel that grew and birthed four strong, relatively healthy children.

I used to enjoy scrapbooking.  Ideally, I want our children to have pictures of all of us embracing life together.  Then again, I kept seeing my body as a mismatch with what I felt like I should look like and I stopped stepping in front of the camera. Our pictures for the last ten years have been a lot of the Sweet Pea Kids out and about as we explore the world around us, and a once-a-year family shot for holiday cards where I hide behind them.

Thanks to Jennifer’s inspiring message, I have stopped waiting to reach my ideal body image before I can be in pictures again.  I am in front of the camera *now* because I do not want them to wonder where I was in their lives. I have started living it with them, front and center in front of the camera, just as I do when there is no lens there.

I have been pleasantly surprised to see those pictures – I no longer cringe when I see myself next to our children.  With a new gaze, I see the fun we are capturing and the memories we have made, and I am so grateful that Jennifer’s message was the catalyst to make me stop wishing and start doing. I truly cannot thank her enough for her presentation, and for the love note she made us write.  It’s the first positive thing I have said about my body in almost 20 years.  I can finally start to find some congruence and acceptance so that my message to our children is genuine instead of forced.

As to the more humorous side of her presentation, her 10 tips for taking better pictures really work, too!! HERE  is part of that presentation in her own words, published as a blog post on her own blog (see, it’s a good thing I listened to my instincts!!). So whether you take in the fun part, the inspirational part, or embrace the whole message of her “Capture Motherhood” challenge, you will be blessed.

Find Jen’s speaking calendar HERE Since I make every effort not to compromise our children’s privacy, I will share this picture I took with my DH.  This smile is so different than a picture I would have taken a year ago.

Why do I see such a difference? People who knew me in high school or college, or when I was dancing professionally, wouldn’t recognize the shape I carry around these days. That used to mortify me.  Since seeing Jennifer and writing that love note, I have come to accept that my heart that loves God and seeks to love others is the same, and that heart loves my children and pumped blood into them, and this body that grew to a tremendous size to grow them, are the reason why they are here today.
I will not apologize or be ashamed anymore. This vessel is the reason why four pieces of my heart walk around outside of my body, and I couldn’t be prouder of the work it has done.