Category Archives: Uncategorized

Being a Doula #1

Through a convergence of circumstances, I was enlisted to sign up for a Doulas Of North America (DONA) training class last fall.  I completed the course even though the circumstances around why I was enlisted to certify as a doula changed.  Seeing as how I usually like to finish the things I start, I am going to go ahead and complete the certification, and thanks the confidence and trust of our SPB students, I will get to complete at least three births as a doula this year.

I would like to chronicle some of the things that I am learning along the way.  Although there are certainly enough organizations willing to certify that you have taken their course, and definitely lots of people who will help you promote the business for a fee, there is surprisingly little information out on the web on “how” to be a doula – what do you do once you complete your course and you are seeking work as a doula?

THIS page is a reminder for me to review before I go to a birth, and also shared as a resource for other people who are thinking about or new to doula work.  Some lessons are things I learned in class, others I learned via student experiences with doulas, and sadly, some I learned the hard way – by making the mistake, and learning from it.

Fortunately, I have a built-in source of potential clients from our childbirth classes to attend my certifying births.  Should I choose that this is the right path for me, I would also have a captive audience for my services. To be fair, I would ask them to interview at least two other people to make sure that I am the right fit for the birth they are preparing for.

Although I love birth and attending births, I cannot say right now that I feel an undeniable calling to this work.  My first birth as “the doula” was a wake-up call for me.

I went to my chiropractor for my regular adjustment, and as in previous births I have attended as labor support for students, I asked if there were any positions I could offer, or words that the mother needed to say out loud.  Imagine my surprise when his answer was that I was a hindrance to the birth…I was devastated.  I then called the student to break the news that I should not come back…it was so hard to do because their original doula had backed out on them (via text!), which is why I had offered to stand in for her.  Looking back now, I should have let them reflect on that information and ask them to be the final arbiters of the decision.  My leaving left them high and dry, because their other labor support decided not to go back either and they were left alone, whether they wanted to be or not.

On the other hand, I attended a birth earlier this week where I was able to fulfill my role as the doula.  The birth was amazing and both the mother and her coach did amazing.  Both the mother and the grandmother who served as the main coach said they couldn’t have done it without me.  While that is a nice compliment, it also leaves me feeling like I robbed them of the experience of “I couldn’t have done it without you” for each other…this is emotional stuff and I believe that bond should stay within the family.

To add to this, I am a planner.  I like to know who, what, when, where – having two students with impending labor, worried that they might be in labor at the same time, planning but not planning our lives…I still don’t know if that is the right path for me in the future.  I know that in this season it is definitely not something I will do outside of the work I want to do to complete my certification because we still have a nursling at home. My breasts were definitely a little uncomfortable after a long time of not nursing, and I was worried about my/her milk supply dropping.  In the future, once there are no more nurslings…I just don’t know.

I love birth – I love supporting – I *love* seeing a new soul welcomed earthside – their is no denying the miracle and the beauty – it is such an honor and a privilege to be there on Birth-Days.  There is still a lot I have to learn so that I can be the kind of doula I want to be – background support without being on center stage.

Tuesday Tips: Sibling Preparation

 

This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don’t Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month’s topic is Siblings. Be sure to check out all of the participants’ posts through the links at the bottom of this page.

Prompt:  Siblings
There is no relationship quite like the sibling relationship! Tell us how you prepared your family for the addition of a new baby. We’d love to hear how you foster a strong bond between your kids. Or, maybe you’d like to write about lessons learned from your own sibling relationships. Let’s talk about ways we can foster love and connection between our children this month.

Sibling preparation…this is a topic that has been coming up a lot lately…very exciting times for our students and our homebirth community!!  Thoughtful families wonder how they can best ease the transition as they add siblings.

BLOG ww spf outandabout.8Here is our brood enjoying counter-time at a local diner.

We are by no means experts.  What I have listed below are the things that have worked for our family.  Please feel free to add your suggestions and advice in the comments!

PREGNANCY

1.) We made a family birth plan using words and pictures

2.) We did family relaxation practice and labor rehearsals to help them prepare for labor and birth…

  • we talked about what a “working face” looks like – tension/pain vs. relaxation face
  • we talked about blood – ouchy blood from a cut vs. labor blood that means mommy’s body is working

3.) Point out other children who were big brothers and sister and talked about the kinds of things they were doing and the baby who was “just sleeping” or “just sitting”

4.) Depending on interval between children:
Have siblings help clean/set out the newborn items.
Use it as an opportunity to share

    • how they were so little once
    • how neat they are at their current age (point out all the things they have learned since then)
    • boundaries and expectations for their interaction with the newborn (you can hug and kiss baby while mommy is holding baby; if you want to, you can hold baby if I help you; you can help pick out clothing, diapering, bathtime, etc.)

BIRTH

1.) With caregivers during labor: Children had a box especially set aside of new things to play with: play-dough, coloring books and crayons, books, a little toy car or miniature dolls, disposable camera

2.) Homebirth – give the children the opportunity to participate as little or as much as they wanted to.  They could come in where we were laboring, they could walk with us, eat with me, nap – or not.

3.) First visit/immediately after:
Giving a gift to the older sibling(s) from the newborn (Note: This worked especially well for our oldest who’s love language is giving gifts)

PREGNANCY+POSTPARTUM

1.) We did lots of reading/picture books that explored pregnancy and  new babies/siblings

2.) Toddlers tend to be egocentric – make it work in your favor.
You are big!  You can _____ , not the baby, (s)he is too little. (spoken in a sing-song voice for emphasis.)
– eat (their favorite food)
– run
– play
– go (special trip)
– mention things they can do by themselves

3.) Reminding them that the baby was not going to be fun like them until they were older – they would have to let the baby sleep, nurse, and grow before they were ready to play.  I phrase this in relation to a season or the siblings age.

The baby will be able to respond to you/play ___ with you
– in the (season)
– when you are (age)
– after you turn (age)

4.) Use whichever phrasing resonates with your child.  We would set the expectation for 6-9 months for responding; after the 1 year birthday for actually playing things like ball, climbing, hide and seek, etc.

5.) It will look like a lot of work/It is a lot of work for mommy because the baby is going to need lots of help/sleep/breastfeeding instead of being a big helper like you;

Children of any age:

Big Helpers
Letting the children help with newborn in age appropriate ways – picking out clothing, doing diapers with assistance, bringing mommy snacks or water.  The key here was only if they wanted to help – we never wanted them to feel like they existed to be our “go-fers”

What can they do independently?
Point out those things and let them do them.  Recognize their initiative whenever they make an attempt to do something for themselves, even if you have to help them re-do it or clean up a mess – hard to do when you are tired from caring from a newborn, I know.
What centers around them?

Favorites
Do they have a favorite book/story/food/activity? Choose them! Often!

Field trips
Is there someone you trust that you they can special dates with? (other parent, grandparents, aunts/uncles)  Arrange anything from free picnic+park dates to things that cost $$, give them independent time, and as a bonus – you get alone time with your newborn!  The key again is to build them up as the big kids that are old enough to go do special things – not the baby – they’re too little.

“Let’s let the baby sleep so that we can play together.  I want to play with you!”
This reinforces the idea that the baby needs to sleep so that the older child doesn’t pinch, kiss, hug, whatever to get the crying reaction that they find so curious!  In addition, if they can be patient and quiet, the big reward is getting you all to themselves!

“I have something to tell you, so scoot over here and come closer to me.”
Changing the tone – whisper to them so that they have to be quiet to hear you.

Family bath time with mommy, baby, siblings in the tub and Daddy supervising and drying off kiddos as they came out of the tub

Sensory play
– water
– sand
– beans
– rice
– make a bin with different textures and colors
Sensory bins are a great way to engage them in exploration and busy-ness without having to do a lot on your part (other than set it up!).  You and the baby can sit with the older siblings and watch and interact while the older siblings entertain themselves with pouring, feeling, and learning.

Going out for a walk or a drive together
Fresh air and sunshine are good for everyone!

FILL THEIR CUP

I will close with this idea from Charlotte Mason, a 19th century British educator whose works have come to light again as parents search for alternatives to cookie-cutter education

Every day, children need something to love, something to do, something to think about.

If you believe that this is a valid philosophy, then think of the ways that you can fill those needs as parents.  I feel that if we are meeting their needs, then one presumes that their cup is full and they are less likely to act out in search of attention “just because”.

What worked to ease the transition to more siblings in your family?

Read more about Sibling Preparation on our Sweet Pea Births blog

Thoughtful Thursday: Identity Crisis

We all know them – are them – have been them…the parents who post pictures of their children non-stop.  Here is an excerpt from one mama’s admission and explanation (emphasis mine):

 I share my pictures because, like every mother on the planet, I think my kids are adorable (no, but really mine *are* adorable). I share because, as pathetic as this sounds, the attention is validation of sorts. I can’t get A’s anymore — and forget about being recognized for my achievements (like getting my son to pee before leaving the house — why is this so hard?!) So what do I have? “Likes” and comments about how cute my kids are.

I share because my pictures tell stories about our daily lives and our adventures. I share because my pictures create a dialogue with other people.

And perhaps the biggest answer is that I share pictures of my kids because spending time with them is what I’m doing with my life.

Written by Jen Simon for Kveller.com – excerpt from The HuffPostBlog

While it’s a lovely and honest explanation for her behavior, I implore parents to remember who they are at their core. We owe it to ourselves, first and foremost, to preserve that identity so that we can care for others from a healthy place.

Whether you work at home or away from home, do you know who you are?  Do you know what your core values are?  Are you living them, and would your children (or anyone else) be able to name them based on your actions?

I invite all parents, whether you are at home or away during the day, to shake things up.  Who are you?  And then be honest: if you are living for your job or your children, think about changing that.  It has been my experience that remembering our “core” selves keeps us from making decisions that are harmful to our psyche.  Choices that are aligned with our values keep us from sabotaging our lives.  From here on out, I am going to continue with children as the main focus…feel free to replace that word with whatever is your major focus right now if it is not your child(ren).

Burying our value under or behind our children is at the very least, stifling, and it may only get more oppressive as time passes.  We submerge ourselves underneath our children.  We pretend that life is perfect.  We forget who we are as we talk ourselves into the idea that “this” is what we are doing with our lives.  What if “this” turns into living with regret, guilt, dwelling on lost opportunities?  These emotions may manifest themselves later, in emotions such as anger (rage), depression and other disorders.  Those things do not benefit us, or our children.  And so begins the crack in the dyke.  Unchecked, the tide of destructive behaviors ends up hurting the sweet little children we use as tools for validation from our peers.

HERE is honesty from a woman named Isabelle who was not true to herself.  This mom who “gave it all up” shares her legacy: she is not happy about her choice, and you hear regret about her life.  How many other parents feel that way?  I bet we can all think of someone.  What it is like to hear that raising children was not worthwhile, and that the lost time can’t be replaced?  They are loved, albeit in an interesting way, that is for sure.

I admire Isabelle’s commitment to raise the children she agreed to bring into the world.  She saw her role as personally giving them the best start.  That is a noble commitment, to parent out of a moral obligation to do well by them.  In addition to that, I strive to parent our children with love and respect.

As part of parenting them with love and respect, I want to honor them as their own people, separate from me.  I saw myself turning into “that” mom who over-shared.  I made a conscious choice that I had to have an identity outside of my children because I have worth apart from them, and they have worth apart from me.

While I treasure the time with our children, I have come to realize that spending time with them is not what I am doing with my life.  I am living to nurture children who can become compassionate, creative, critical thinkers.  My commitment is to create a learning environment for them, not being validated by them. My life is also fostering a setting that inspires me to be better, do more and grow so that I can be the best parent I can be for my children.  I want to meet them where they are.  I can only see with clarity if my own lens  isn’t being smudged or filtered with buried regrets or resentments of all the things I am not doing because I “have to” take care of them.

I would like to think that those of us who parent with good intentions want their children to be happy and successful.  For myself I wonder, how do I teach them to create their own happiness, value themselves, their autonomy, and their personhood if mine is non-existent?  I propose that we need to actually be happy, not just pretend to be happy in cropped and filtered social media snapshots of “perfection” that garner “likes”.

I encourage parents who find their identity and seek validation from their adorable children to take a minute to reflect.  Why is that important to you?  Can we find *you* on your social media, or just your children?  Aren’t you worth remembering?  Are you doing something to be proud of outside of your children?  If not, consider digging around to find out where you went.  If you want your children to be strong and independent, show them how to be autonomous.  If you want them growing up with a healthy respect for humanity, show them a human worth respecting for their individual value.

It is possible to be a good parent without losing yourself in your child.  It is possible to have social media accounts that are not covered with pictures of your child.  If you have an extended family stretched around the world, maybe you could consider a “secret” group (facebook) or a private blog or webpage that is password restricted.  That way you can keep a private online record for family to follow without compromising your child’s right to create their own persona.

Beyond that, you are worth it.  You deserve to find your passion and live life to the fullest, with children that make the living even more enjoyable because you have wonderful souls to share and journey with as you live.

A little postscript from the woman who decided to run a contest to increase submissions for wordless wednesday…feeling slightly hypocritical…still, food for thought:

I want my children to learn that they have a voice, and I want them to have the freedom to create their own identity.  I came to the realization that if I post pictures of them from the time they are born until the time when they are no longer living under our roof, I have created their public persona.

We are starting to hear that schools and employers ask for access to a potential employee’s social media accounts.  We know that technology can identify faces electronically.  That means that in the future, anyone can form an opinion about them based on my portrayal of their person.  That frightens me, and it is also sobering.  They deserve to define themselves.  It is their right, not mine.

Personally, I make every effort to only post pictures that are in side or back profile.  If there is one especially amazing photo that shows their full face, I ask permission before sharing.  And if they say, “NO!” or “no”, then I do not post them.  I have recently taken that position with the #wordlesswednesday submissions – if multiple photos are submitted, I will choose the images that demonstrate the theme and reveal the minimal amount of the child’s identity.  It will certainly make me think twice about the themes I choose going forward.  While I believe that images help normalize attachment parenting, the tricky part is that breastfeeding and AP necessarily involve a minor.  Hmmm.

Monday Musings: Taking Action

Not a very long post today – I am heading down to the State Capitol to meet with some other home birth advocates and a state representative sympathetic to our goal to Kill SB1157.

Image

It was so disheartening to see the bill passed on a party-line vote.  I would like to think that people can think for themselves…this was clearly not the case.  NO THANK YOU to the four Republican *women* who voted against evidence-based birth.  THANK YOU to the Democrats (2 men, 1 woman) who stood up for Arizona’s women and their right to choose their birth place even if they are not what the medical community considers an ideal candidate for home birth.

If I can find it, I will post the video from last week’s meeting so you can watch this dismal facade called “testimony”.  It was deplorable how the side for evidence-based birth is held to one standard to fight for their rights, while the medical community is given a pass to even offer one shred of evidence or “gold-standard” research for the “statistics” they offered.

I encourage all of you to get involved with birth politics in your community.  Get informed, and form a community of evidence-based advocates.  I am sure that ACOG and other anti-home birth factions are watching the proceedings in Arizona…the fight may be on your doorstep before you know it.

Personally, I am looking forward to having some action plans.  Hope you all have a great day!

Out of the loop and want the scoop?  HERE is a great summary of the bill, why we are opposed to it, and some action steps you can take to advocate for evidence-based home birth from Sink Full of Dishes.

Home Birth in Arizona – Your Voice Counts

I want to start by saying that I respect obstetricians individually.  There are many good, caring, watchful OB’s who practice as Dr. Bradley did, acting as a “life guard” at the pool, stepping in when a pregnancy or birth necessitated obstetric care.  Otherwise, they care for and facilitate safe, natural births…Dr. Bradley’s stats were 94-96% vaginal birth rates in any given year.

Despite his, and other OB’s invested in the natural, hands-off approach to normal, low-risk pregnancy and birth, maternity care in the United States is not uninterrupted.  Thanks to “advances” in maternal care, most births take place in the “Safety” of a hospital setting.  Our cesarean rates are still at an all-time high, and despite spending the most per capita on maternity care, our maternal mortality rates are 48th in the world.  47 countries, including some third-world countries, do a better job at keeping mothers and babies alive than we do.

In the face of these facts, many women are choosing to seek different care.  Certified Nurse Midwives are making gains in the hospital setting, and home birth with Certified Professional Midwives is on the rise in home settings.  Guess who is freaking out??  The white-coats who have enjoyed little to no opposition since they convinced the US consumer that they were better off birthing in a hospital than they are at home.

Let’s take a look at homebirth and hospital birth numbers…check out the infographic, or find links to the reports on the first ever published home birth study in the United States HERE.

This infographic is used with permission from Growing Slower:
Birth-Statistics-Infographic

And now, a group in Arizona has decided to try and “back door” a bill (SB1157) that I suspect, they thought was going to go undetected.  It is an attempt to reverse all the strides in evidence-based care that were made when the AZ Department of Health Services expanded the Midwifery Scope of Practice.  The scope was ammended after hours of testimony, consideration and deliberation – you can see those proceedings HERE.  The backers of the bill are using the same rhetoric that was used to get women into the hospital in the first place: “Unsafe” “Irresponsible” “Dangerous”

The fact of the matter is that the case can be made that hospital births in the United States are now dangerous.  You have a 1 in 3 chance of receiving a cesarean, even if you walk in as a low-risk mother.  Category X drugs are used off-label, when the manufacturer’s instructions specifically list the dangers of use in childbirth and warn against using them in pregnancy or labor.

Read more about that  here:

We have the right to self-determination and access to qualified, professional care providers, even if they are not the care provider that would be chosen by the majority.   If you are in Arizona, please join us at a rally to say no to Senate Bill 1157.  You can read more about action steps you can take whether you can or cannot join us in person HERE, or please take moment to sign THIS change.org petition to the Chairwomen of the Health and Services Committee, who will hear the bill tomorrow.

BLOG SB1157.2

Upcoming Events and Other News

Happening over on our Sweet Pea Births Blog this week:

Events for Friday, February 7th HERE with storytimes today and free concerts.

Events for the weekend (Feb 8-9) HERE listing one of our favorites – the animal encounter at the Audubon Society, plus info on the Renaissance Festival and free kid’s crafts.

We have gotten word that some insurance-company provided breast pumps are failing…HERE is our research into that and suggestions to communicate with your insurance company.

Wishing you all a great weekend!  We will not be on-line very much between teaching class tonight, the opening of The Lego Movie, dance classes, student playgroups, birthday parties, a horse show, a committee meeting, a class reunion and a bonus class for our students…praying that Peaceful Mama makes it through the weekend.

Time to re-read my notes to myself about what I learned from Blue Russ!!

Here are a couple of images of the sensory bin we will be using at playgroup today and tomorrow.  We liked the pink, red, and white.  Then, Night Owl had the idea of adding purple so we tried it – we all like the way it turned out.
Soft:
Cotton balls
Foam hearts
Puffy hearts

Hard:
Cups
Spoons
Heart Containers

Size:
Lima Beans and Navy Beans in Big, Little and Medium

Ridges:
Cups
Puffy Hearts

Also have tea lights, scoopers and pourers for measuring and pouring.

BLOG Valentine Sensory Bin.2 BLOG Valentine Sensory Bin.1

Wordless Wednesday: Miles of Smiles

This was a trip down memory lane! In honor of Children’s Dental Healthy Awareness Month, I thought we could kick off the month with all the melt-your-heart grins we have shared with our children. If you have some to add to our collection, please email them to me with a statement that I have permission to share your pictures on social media: sweetpeafamilies{at}gmail.com

BLOG ww140205 spf.8

BLOG ww140205 spf.7

BLOG ww140205 spf.1a

BLOG ww140205 spf.2a

BLOG ww140205 spf.2

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Tuesday Tips: Cultivating Exercise

BLOG ww spf 130925.3This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don’t Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month’s topic is Movement. Be sure to check out all of the participants’ posts through the links at the bottom of this page.

Prompt:  It is so important for us moms to be physically active and to cultivate that in our kids. Important but not easy! How do you make time movement or exercise? How do you encourage it for your kids?

Dance has been part of my life since I started taking lessons as a child around three or four years of age.  The easiest way to get our children moving has been by sharing that love with them.  Regardless of gender, as soon as they are old enough, our children are registered in a combo class at the dance studio.  If their level of interest increases, then we encourage them to enroll in more classes.  If not, we continue with once a week for their combo class that includes tap, ballet and tumbling.

In addition to dancing in their classes, we usually get a nightly dance show of some kind.  The Sweet Peas put on their music, plan out a playlist, and set a performance order.  After a brief rehearsal, my husband and I are called in to watch the evening entertainment.  These occasions are completely organic – we have never had to ask them to do this.  It just started happening on it’s own and has now become an almost nightly after-dinner tradition.

We want ALL our children to take advantage of the benefits of dance: learning rhythm, moving in opposition and in sync, the confidence, the carriage and the sense of movement and space that comes from learning to dance.  I am saddened when I hear mothers say their partners would NEVER let their sons dance.  They are missing out on a great opportunity, and chances are that if they really have a bug for it, they will find their way to it eventually.

We are equal opportunity dancers in our family because both my husband and I enjoy dancing – it’s how we met in the first place!  As a ballroom dance instructor, some of my best students were professional or amateur athletes who came in to learn to partner dance.  It has long been known that some male athletic teams enroll their players in ballet classes to improve their balance and coordination.  We have no issues with our sons enjoying dancing and tumbling as much as our daughters.

Another way we add movement to our day is by walking our dogs.  That is something we could stand to do more often!  Since we have a decent-sized yard, it is not at the top of the list when our days are full.  I know I need to move more so that I can shed the extra fluff I put on growing babies, so one of my intentions this year is to get back to a “walk a day” habit.  It provides a great opportunity to breathe in fresh air and have some one-on-one time with our son that likes to walk his dog when I take out our other four-legged friend.

We also practice yoga – another “before kids” habit we have shared with our children.  We go to classes or we practice in our home.  We are so fortunate to have a studio that offers children’s classes near our home.  We want the Sweet Peas to participate because of the way yoga strengthens the body, and because it teaches about breath and harmony.  That deep abdominal breathing, reflection and introspection that are part of the whole yoga experience are a great foundation for dealing with stress in a healthy way.

As far as tying movement into our homeschool day, we have a dance break or create obstacle courses to break up the sitting and listening time.  When we do an obstacle course, we set them up inside or outside, depending on the time of day and the weather.  I think of the old Sesame Street™ song, sung by Grover when I set up the course: Over, Under and Through.  The older kiddos like to help set these up. We encourage their creativity by putting out the elements and then have them design the run.  We use things like a tunnel purchased from IKEA, chairs, stools, exercise balls, laundry baskets, cones, tables (inside) and a baseball bat/tee (outside).

Our Sweet Peas are also enrolled in swimming lessons and horseback riding…and soon, we are adding sports to the repertoire.  Our goal as parents is to expose them to as many different ways to move and exercise so that they can find their own favorite for a lifetime of enjoyment.

Parenting wisdom tells us that the best example the Sweet Peas can learn from is one that they see.  I commit to being active by working out three mornings a week with a trainer who comes to our home.  If I didn’t have him there, I know I wouldn’t work out because there is always something to occupy the time.  My husband is much more disciplined in this area – he will get on the elliptical machine a few times a week without needing someone to show up at the door.  We also go out on walks together on the days that our schoolwork is done and his work is done before the nanny has to go home.  Now that our children are older and I don’t have a round-the-clock nursling, we have started going out dancing again, too!  One of the styles we enjoy is Argentine Tango; going to the milongas (tango dance) is a family activity in Argentina.  We have started teaching the Sweet Peas and some day soon, we can all go out and do that together as a family.

BLOG ww 131016.5 tango

When they ask why we exercise, we tell them it is so that we can stay healthy to see them grow, and meet their children someday.  For me, movement it is not about losing weight.  I was not healthy as a dancer because I wanted to be a certain size, and I don’t want our children to have any negative associations with food and exercise.  I want our children to know that we will love them in whatever shape they grow into.  My primary goal is to teach them to love movement because their body needs it to be fit, be healthy and to stay strong.

Thoughtful Thursday: Mothering AND

One of our students posted THIS article – here is an excerpt:

When A. BRADSTREET interviewed Rachel Zucker and Arielle Greenberg last year, we concluded by talking about motherhood and activism. Zucker observed, “It’s hard, though, because the people that are the best to advocate for women with very young children are women with very young children, but it’s not the right time for them to advocate… I think that, realistically, it’s very hard.”

It’s not just the lack of time or energy that hinders young mothers from acting as advocates—it is also the immense upheaval in expectations, sense of self and confidence that comes with realizing that now you are a mother first and foremost. You may have been a writer. Or you may have been a scholar. But then you have a baby, and everyone, yourself included, forgets for a while that you are and were anything other than the baby’s mother. You know you are not the same, you will never be the same, so you forget that your former strengths, your pre-motherhood strengths, are still there. Even standing up for yourself can make you feel too vulnerable and exposed.

The assumption in the introduction of her article that perplexes me the most, and she articulated well, is that some women feel that motherhood sets everything else behind them.  I have read articles about motherhood suffocating your previous self, and yet I had never been able to peg what “that” feeling is – I get “it” now.

I want to offer a different perspective into motherhood for young mothers as they find their way through the newness of motherhood and transition back into their pre-motherhood confidence.  I believe the beauty of motherhood is that you can be a mother AND everything else. It’s not an “if-then” proposition. I see it as an “if-and”. You are a mother and a writer.  You are a mother and a scholar.

In my case, I am a mother and a teacher and a manager and a salesperson and a writer and my biggest passion, a dancer.  All those things I was before I had children contributed to the skills and the passion I have towards motherhood, because without them, I cannot be the mother that I am for them.  And my first love – dance – and that wonderful feeling of knowing that I found my passion and pursued it and achieved.  It pushes me to remember that my children also have a gift which will feed their passion. I see it as my role to help them find their passion so that they, too, can know what it is to, “do what you love, and love what you do”.

I wonder if that concept is lost to young women because they do not have the perspective of age.  My biggest suspicion is that maybe they haven’t achieved the zenith of their career yet.  Motherhood is now a hurdle for them to jump over as they reach for their moment.

At my age, I am grateful for perspective. I give thanks that as an “older” mom, I “did” my career in my 20’s and did it well.  When motherhood was on the horizon in my 30’s, it was what I desperately wanted.  After being told as a young woman that I might never have children, I was so grateful to be pregnant.

Though I was thankful for my motherhood, I was not quite ready to stop being a dancer/instructor/manager after our first child was born.  I still remember the conversation I had with my mother the day I told her I was going back to work when Puma was four months old.  “What are you talking about?” she asked.  “How can you leave her?”  Thankfully, my going back to work did not mean leaving her at first.  My boss said yes when I asked about bringing her with me.  I just knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to hang up my dance shoes, and if I wasn’t dancing, I wasn’t going to be happy, and who wants to be/have a miserable mother?

By virtue of wanting your pre-child track, you are already choosing to do differently than a traditional role.  Be okay with that.  Own that.  And go forward without guilt or a second-glance backwards.  I believe that only by doing for your heart what you need, can you continue to love your child without conditions, and unconditionally.

Sometimes it requires some creative thinking.  It may require compartmentalizing.  If you really want to be a scholar, a writer, a doctor, a dancer, an artist – whatever it is you were doing or working towards before your Sweet Pea arrived – you can do it and be a mother.  You will probably need help, so form a tribe of parents you trust with whom you can share parenting.  Sometimes you work, sometimes they work, and you all love on the kiddos when it’s your turn.  Most of all, be willing to be flexible.  Maybe there will be a natural progression when you are ready to be The Mother.

When I was pregnant with our second, I knew that I was ready to stop dancing.  By now, we had Puma in childcare.  I wanted to raise our children as siblings – so it was time.  I was ready to stay home.  It was a happy day to “retire” and put my children first joyfully.

Little did I know where my path would lead.  Now we homeschool, I research and learn for the birthwork I do, I write, and keep up with our students.  I am very much a working from home mother with the help of two wonderful nannies.

Back to the actual point of the article: gender bias.  She shares that her husband was able to do something with their child that she had not been allowed to do (enter the Harvard Library), and that other women had the same experience.  I can definitely identify with that.

As far as the “husband” thing – so true in our family story. For us, there is the added dynamic of “white man” and “brown woman”.  There are definitely situations where I ask Bruss to do something alone, or with the kids, because I know he will have a different outcome than if I did/asked/entered in the same situation. This mama has given me the courage to not simply accept the bias anymore.  Instead of working “the system”, I need to stop being complacent and do better.

Life. The fight to conquer injustice and seek equality continues for those of us that will admit the truth that we’re not quite there yet.  Good for you, mama, for calling institutions out on their bias.  You may be unsure, you may not understand exactly who you are or where motherhood fits in to this desire to advocate. By writing about it, you did, thus showing that you are a mother and an advocate.

I propose that anyone is fit for advocacy work.  Maybe you won’t be leading the charge as you have done in the past with a newborn.  You can, however, write letters and send emails, make phone calls, and engage in social media when your Sweet Pea is sleeping.

Believe this: advocating for yourself as a mother is no different than advocating for yourself as a woman or professional.  Your inalienable rights are still your alienable rights – that never changes, no matter which hat we wear.

Motherhood is a crazy journey, at whatever age you embark on it.  Here’s a little secret no one likes to talk about: None of us have it all figured out; and sometimes we think we do, and discover we want to change all that anyway.  Flexibility is one of the hallmarks of your evolving motherhood. It’s a process of learning and growing with our children.

I hope that you, young mother, are able to find the right balance for your motherhood and your profession.  It is possible and it is doable. Jump in with both feet and go for it. Be gentle with yourself as you travel this path. You are going to do this motherhood thing, and do it well with all the lessons you learn along the way.

I close with this quote from musician Andrea Corr:
“I am a full-time mother. At the same time, there’s still music to be made.”