Category Archives: Parenting

Monday Musing: What is a better place?

THIS article by Anne Josephson started quite a conversation on my facebook feed.  I “shared” it to serve as an example of why I am happy with our choice to retreat from the world of public schooling and the pressure exerted by the parents of our children’s peers.

The article speaks to parents competing using the children as pawns, not the ills of competition itself, so let’s start with some quotes to clarify that position:

“I will no longer play the game of competitive parenting.”

“I am removing myself and by proxy my four children from the race. And by doing so, I am choosing to honor them for being exactly who they are: human beings in and of their own right, not proof of my worthiness… I am comforted by what one of the great philosophers, Lily Tomlin, said, “The problem with the rat race is, even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

So let’s replace the words “rat race” with “competitive parenting”. That turns the last sentence into,

“The problem with the competitive parenting is,
even if you win, you’re still a competitive parent.”

There is no reference to the child in that sentence, and I believe the point the author is trying to make is that parenting should be directed toward the child and for the child, not to improve the status or lend credibility to a parent who needs validation.  I feel like the article validated my belief that it is not fair, nor in the long run healthy, for me to push my children “to do” or “to be” because another child in their peer group is already doing that, or because I want them to be the first to achieve a milestone whether or not they are ready.

Through the course of the conversation, I got clarity about these ideas as they relate to our family:

    • Healthy competition can be a great thing, especially when it’s self-motivated.
    • I am by nature a competitive person – it has made me who I am today.
    • If they have it within them, I want that same internal drive to motivate our children, not our pressure.
    • If they are not competitive by nature, then I will step in and provide motivation apropos to the needs that drive their personality.
    • Finding my worth as person/parent through my child for the sake of being the first – the best – the only, etc., I will do my best to ensure that is not part of our family story.

How do you see your role as a parent?

I believe that my role as a parent is to prepare them to leave my side and succeed.  I am doing my best to equip them to deal with all the kindness and unkindness in the world on their own two feet.  They will absolutely know how to deal with people because we interact with people every day. When things go well we talk about it and when there are challenges we talk about how we could have done things differently, and will do them differently in the future.

As a parent-team, my husband and I check in with each other on a regular basis to evaluate how we are growing as a family and as individuals.  A big goal is to honor our children as individuals.  We want them to be free to be who they are, and we want to help them discover their individual gifts. We want them to have the knowledge, confidence and faith in themselves because they know they are loved and children of God.

As a parent, it behooves us to watch our children, observe their strengths, and build their character.  Parents need to think about what motivates them when it comes to pushing their children in a particular direction.  We should question if our motivation is to do it for them, or if we are pushing them to grow because our child has to be #1 or else you have failed as a parent.  The part that worries me is that they will begin to think they have failed us as our child.

I also believe that God chose us to teach/learn from each other.  I am open to and I want to learn the lessons are children are teaching us.  They are individuals, they have unique needs, and they are growing me as a person.  It is an honor and it is humbling to learn from them – they truly are sages trapped in the bodies of children.

In my case, I believe that if I strive to know them, love them, and guide them in their strengths while teaching them to love and respect their fellow man and leave the world better than they found it, I have succeeded. It has nothing to do with comparing them to their peers. It has to do with instilling the knowledge that they are loved, valued, and that they have something unique to contribute to the world.  In order to do that within a circle of love, I remove our children to protect them from the competition, the hatred and the bitterness in the world.

I also include our children to have them grow: through social interactions with people we trust and respect, classes that are of interest to them, attendance to a church that fits our beliefs and our values, and community service. As they grow and find their interests, we will also branch out and explore in the areas that are of their choosing.

What is the meaning of “service”?  To find that answer for my parenting philosophy, I turn to my faith: Jesus came to serve. In that sense, there will always be service in our family – whether it’s to our immediate family, our neighbor, to those less fortunate, or even service to the world we were gifted by taking care of it.

How do I define the world as better? By leaving it with more love – when I look at the New Testament, that’s what I get – LOVE. Simple. Love God; love one another. If I have shared love and others have grown because of that love, and if I teach our children to love and be better at loving than I am, then the world is better. In my little corner of the world, love is always the answer. Always.

Tuesday Tips: Change Your State

The “I hate parenting” and “parenting stinks” attitudes don’t fit me – I cannot imagine the day that they will.   Exploring links and other bloggers, I ran across another personality that tells people that you are not going to have great days – maybe just a few good moments here and there.  It has bothered me all weekend.

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that it might be easier for me to be a parenting Pollyanna than others.  I only have to be a full-time mother, cook, chauffeur and chore-doer about two months out of the year.  The rest of the time, I have help from our nanny and a housekeeper.  They allow me to focus on homeschooling our children, keep up with our students, and do some writing instead of doing chores and KP 3 times a day. Make no mistake – I feel pressure and I have stress – I take on too much because I know I have help.  So no, I may not have mountains of laundry and piles of dishes that drag me down 365 days a year…I do have 30 hours of activities packed into 24 hour days, which is a different challenge and still requires me to breathe deeply and focus on the children as gifts and not distractions.  So that being said…

You know what? I call Scrooge.  I am the first to admit it is hard.  I will also be the first to say change your state – it’s a matter of perspective.  I know that there are mountains of work – learn how to whistle and teach your children how to whistle or hum along with you.  There are tons of lemons – add sugar, and invite your children to use their spoons as you use yours.

Attitude is everything when it comes to life – my mission is to teach my children to love it, and it starts with me and my example. If I run around complaining, what will it teach them? To complain? It’s no big surprise that those children are then called whiny whiners by the same parents that can’t stand being parents.

Those of us blessed enough to have families are the envy and the thorn in the side to those folks in the world who struggle with infertility.  I cringe every time a blogger takes to the blogosphere to say parenting is a drain, a chore, or anything else they want to call it.  Those people who could never have children would give up body parts to have a child to call their own.

Are you going to have bad days? Of course there will be days that you want to start over.  Guess what? DO IT! Start over! Gather your children, face your family, tell them you are sorry that they day has been bumpy, and that you are hitting the restart button.  Everybody gets to say a happy thought, then tuck everybody back in for a few minutes of reflection, and then when everybody gets out of bed again – choose to have a great day!

If you have time, you can also use water as a tool to change everyone’s state.  Water is so good at diffusing tension.  Get in the bath tub, get in your pool, get a play pool for $5 over the summer months that you can store and pull out to use as needed throughout the year.  You can play fun music, blow bubbles, play mermaids and pirates – just do something that gets everyone out of their funk.

You have things to do? Places to go? People to see? Time is a construct.  Our children are vivid, real, living, breathing.  I am okay being late or skipping an event if it just causes more stress than joy.

There are days that we all have a doctor’s appointment that cannot be rescheduled, or a school to arrive at on time.  In those instances, take the re-set idea and make it fit into your day.  Play music and have a mini-dance party before you walk out the door.  Play with bubbles.  Go draw with chalk on the sidewalk. Have everyone pick their favorite book and have a reading party.  Serve breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner picnic style…do something that breaks out of your regular mold and makes your children sit up and notice that you see them and you care about creating moments of joy in their lives.

Is deciding to change your state not enough for you? Maybe you are a single parent, or like a single parent because your partner is not involved with the children due to time or circumstance.  I will share something I learned from our students – build a tribe.  Find other people who get you – and yes, it means you will have to be vulnerable and show them your scars so that they can show you theirs.  These mama-tribes are unbelievable – they have helped each other through challenges, and they will continue to face challenges as their children grow, and they will do it *together*.  A good place to start is a meet-up group with children born in a certain month/year, library storytimes, parenting groups, or putting a feeler out on social media to organize playdates – you have to start somewhere.  Little by little you will build a tribe that becomes a family built by love and shared experience.  You do not have to be alone on this journey.

We are the tapes that will play in their heads when they grow up.  We are one of the voices that they will hear when they have to face the hard moments as adults.  Instead of leaving them with a tape that they have to erase and try to forget, give them a tape that encourages them and builds them up every time.

Parenting is an awesome gig – learn it, love it, own it.  Show up BIG, because parenting matters.

Tuesday Tips: Sibling Preparation

 

This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don’t Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month’s topic is Siblings. Be sure to check out all of the participants’ posts through the links at the bottom of this page.

Prompt:  Siblings
There is no relationship quite like the sibling relationship! Tell us how you prepared your family for the addition of a new baby. We’d love to hear how you foster a strong bond between your kids. Or, maybe you’d like to write about lessons learned from your own sibling relationships. Let’s talk about ways we can foster love and connection between our children this month.

Sibling preparation…this is a topic that has been coming up a lot lately…very exciting times for our students and our homebirth community!!  Thoughtful families wonder how they can best ease the transition as they add siblings.

BLOG ww spf outandabout.8Here is our brood enjoying counter-time at a local diner.

We are by no means experts.  What I have listed below are the things that have worked for our family.  Please feel free to add your suggestions and advice in the comments!

PREGNANCY

1.) We made a family birth plan using words and pictures

2.) We did family relaxation practice and labor rehearsals to help them prepare for labor and birth…

  • we talked about what a “working face” looks like – tension/pain vs. relaxation face
  • we talked about blood – ouchy blood from a cut vs. labor blood that means mommy’s body is working

3.) Point out other children who were big brothers and sister and talked about the kinds of things they were doing and the baby who was “just sleeping” or “just sitting”

4.) Depending on interval between children:
Have siblings help clean/set out the newborn items.
Use it as an opportunity to share

    • how they were so little once
    • how neat they are at their current age (point out all the things they have learned since then)
    • boundaries and expectations for their interaction with the newborn (you can hug and kiss baby while mommy is holding baby; if you want to, you can hold baby if I help you; you can help pick out clothing, diapering, bathtime, etc.)

BIRTH

1.) With caregivers during labor: Children had a box especially set aside of new things to play with: play-dough, coloring books and crayons, books, a little toy car or miniature dolls, disposable camera

2.) Homebirth – give the children the opportunity to participate as little or as much as they wanted to.  They could come in where we were laboring, they could walk with us, eat with me, nap – or not.

3.) First visit/immediately after:
Giving a gift to the older sibling(s) from the newborn (Note: This worked especially well for our oldest who’s love language is giving gifts)

PREGNANCY+POSTPARTUM

1.) We did lots of reading/picture books that explored pregnancy and  new babies/siblings

2.) Toddlers tend to be egocentric – make it work in your favor.
You are big!  You can _____ , not the baby, (s)he is too little. (spoken in a sing-song voice for emphasis.)
– eat (their favorite food)
– run
– play
– go (special trip)
– mention things they can do by themselves

3.) Reminding them that the baby was not going to be fun like them until they were older – they would have to let the baby sleep, nurse, and grow before they were ready to play.  I phrase this in relation to a season or the siblings age.

The baby will be able to respond to you/play ___ with you
– in the (season)
– when you are (age)
– after you turn (age)

4.) Use whichever phrasing resonates with your child.  We would set the expectation for 6-9 months for responding; after the 1 year birthday for actually playing things like ball, climbing, hide and seek, etc.

5.) It will look like a lot of work/It is a lot of work for mommy because the baby is going to need lots of help/sleep/breastfeeding instead of being a big helper like you;

Children of any age:

Big Helpers
Letting the children help with newborn in age appropriate ways – picking out clothing, doing diapers with assistance, bringing mommy snacks or water.  The key here was only if they wanted to help – we never wanted them to feel like they existed to be our “go-fers”

What can they do independently?
Point out those things and let them do them.  Recognize their initiative whenever they make an attempt to do something for themselves, even if you have to help them re-do it or clean up a mess – hard to do when you are tired from caring from a newborn, I know.
What centers around them?

Favorites
Do they have a favorite book/story/food/activity? Choose them! Often!

Field trips
Is there someone you trust that you they can special dates with? (other parent, grandparents, aunts/uncles)  Arrange anything from free picnic+park dates to things that cost $$, give them independent time, and as a bonus – you get alone time with your newborn!  The key again is to build them up as the big kids that are old enough to go do special things – not the baby – they’re too little.

“Let’s let the baby sleep so that we can play together.  I want to play with you!”
This reinforces the idea that the baby needs to sleep so that the older child doesn’t pinch, kiss, hug, whatever to get the crying reaction that they find so curious!  In addition, if they can be patient and quiet, the big reward is getting you all to themselves!

“I have something to tell you, so scoot over here and come closer to me.”
Changing the tone – whisper to them so that they have to be quiet to hear you.

Family bath time with mommy, baby, siblings in the tub and Daddy supervising and drying off kiddos as they came out of the tub

Sensory play
– water
– sand
– beans
– rice
– make a bin with different textures and colors
Sensory bins are a great way to engage them in exploration and busy-ness without having to do a lot on your part (other than set it up!).  You and the baby can sit with the older siblings and watch and interact while the older siblings entertain themselves with pouring, feeling, and learning.

Going out for a walk or a drive together
Fresh air and sunshine are good for everyone!

FILL THEIR CUP

I will close with this idea from Charlotte Mason, a 19th century British educator whose works have come to light again as parents search for alternatives to cookie-cutter education

Every day, children need something to love, something to do, something to think about.

If you believe that this is a valid philosophy, then think of the ways that you can fill those needs as parents.  I feel that if we are meeting their needs, then one presumes that their cup is full and they are less likely to act out in search of attention “just because”.

What worked to ease the transition to more siblings in your family?

Read more about Sibling Preparation on our Sweet Pea Births blog

Monday Musings: Deposits and Imprints

The more I learn about parenting, the more I realize that to be the kind of parent I want to be, it has to be a conscientious effort to be my best.  It is easier to react instead of remembering breathe first.  It is easier to yell instead of remembering to breathe first.  It is definitely easier to be Crazy Mama than it is to be Peaceful Mama.

However, Crazy Mama is definitely not the legacy I want to leave to our children.  When they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember laughter, joy, and peacefulness.  I want them to remember playing outside, fun field trips, blowing bubbles.

Most of all, I want them to remember being respected.  It is my dream that this generation that is being raised by more parents who are committed to making a conscientious effort to be peaceful, gentle, and intentional about their parenting will be good stewards and more peaceful as a whole.

Therein lies my perpetual vicious circle.  Be present. Plan ahead. The future “eye on the prize”. Be present.

I think that we will take some time to do some dream boards this week.  I wonder what images our children would pick if I asked them to cut out pictures of things they would want to do if they could have a perfect day – week – year (depending on their ability to understand time).  Once I know what their visions and ideas are, we can get started on making those things happen. Whether in actuality or pretend play, these are the memories that I want to make with them.  The ones that they want to remember.

Be present.  Leave positive imprints. With that, I am off to make memories.

What is a phrase or saying that centers your intention as a parent?

Monday Musing: Within These Walls

WorkInTheHome

Image credit https://www.facebook.com/childrensmovementFL

We have been under a lot of pressure at The Bowman House lately…the same things that probably add stress in your life…lots to do and not enough time, planning our budget, growing pains, work commitments…both Bruss and I noticed that the volume has been going up again.  We both value a gentle, peaceful house, and we have been making a pointed effort to be gentle parents despite the pressures we feel.

We had a presentation on babywearing for our Peas & Pods group last Friday.  One of the benefits of babywearing is that you learn to read your Sweet Pea – you learn their cues, their body language, their facial expressions.  Conversely, your Sweet Pea learns to read you.

As I have been close to losing my cool lately, Otter (our 2yo) has been the first to say, “Mommy, take a deep breath.”  The first time she said it, it actually took my breath away and I asked Daddy Bruss if he had heard the same thing I had heard.  She had seen my face and could tell I was stressed.

The other thing that she does is help me to make a joke.  Before I lost my cool, one of my tricks is to ask the kiddos, “You don’t want to see my angry face, right?” To which they answer, “Yes we do, Mommy!”  Then, I proceed to make an angry, growly face with some sound effects and it diffuses the tension as we all burst into peals of laughter as everyone else starts making angry faces and growling.  Once we are in a good space, we can talk about what was happening and solve problems with Peaceful Mama.

Again, over the weekend, Otter was pre-empting me…she’d ask me, “Mommy, are you angry?”, or she would ask me to make my angry face, just as she could see that I was hitting a breaking point.

I think one of of my favorite things about attachment parenting is the give and take as your children come into their own.  As much as I love to teach and nurture our children, it is so amazing to learn from and be nurtured by them.

We can directly influence the tone within the walls of our home.  We can choose do the mental and emotional work it takes to be in a good space so that we can be gentle in spite of the pressures.  So while attachment parenting certainly takes more time than the cause-and-effect approach, it is proving to be SO SO worth it.

Thoughtful Thursday: Unmet Needs

This lesson keeps coming up…I guess I am still not learning it!!

Anger is an unmet expectation

Puma woke up first yesterday and went to hang out on the couch.  When Otter woke up, we went to the couch to hang out with Puma while I nursed her.  A ten-minute meltdown ensued as Puma tried to kick us off the couch.  Hitting me, yelling, moving the couch – it was not pretty, nor is that typical Puma behavior.  She is usually gentle, loving and eager to hang out with me, with or without Otter in tow.

I repeatedly asked her to stop hurting me, and if she wasn’t ready to stop hurting me, to take herself to her room until she was in a place where she could stop hitting.  I asked her if she could tell me what was wrong, or when that didn’t work, if she could tell me what she wanted aside from having us move.

“I can hear you want us to move – what is it you need?”

I didn’t move because I am stubborn, I guess, and Otter wasn’t in any harm from the physical blows.  She kept right on nursing until she was done, and then we moved.

Can you tell me why you were upset – was there something you needed this morning?

I broached the subject again in the late morning, at lunchtime, and finally when we were alone in the schoolroom, she told me, “I just wanted your attention without Otter.”

I am not sure how to get to that unmet need sooner than I did because she didn’t want to talk about it, even when I used the key word, “need”.  It may just be her, because it is her M.O. to process things internally before she is ready to talk about them.

I guess in recognition of that, I could have said something like, “I am moving because I cannot let you hurt me, and you aren’t moving to your room.   I am sorry you cannot use your words right now…I love you and I can wait until we can talk about what happened.”

Are there supposed to be consequences? I guess I have to dig a little deeper to find the answers to that…which is why I love that there are so many gentle parenting resources now….HERE is a perspective on tantrums from L.R. Knost.

I will close with this image from L.R. Knost – Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources…because maybe it’s supposed to be okay to let them lose control so that they can learn how to regain control of their emotions in the long run.  It’s just a matter of re-programming my “tape” and learning along with our children.

BLOG tt understanding needs

What would you have done? How do you get to the bottom of the unmet need sooner than later?

Thoughtful Thursday: Mothering Through Growing Pains

Our Sweet Peas are definitely going through growing pains right now.  I know I am running short since I am dealing with my own emotional growth, and I am not doing all the things that keep me in Peaceful Mama mode.

I ran across the above picture today as I was looking for a #tbt to post on our Instagram account.  My goal for the rest of the week and into the next few weeks as I adjust to my new normal is to cherish our Sweet Peas and speak gently to them as I did in their newborn phase.

It is so easy to be kind, loving and peaceful with a newborn.  We marvel at their sweetness, their littleness, their divine squishiness.  That heavenly brand-new baby scent is unforgettable.  Those moments when we stay awake watching them sleep and breathe when we should be catching up on our sleep.  There is definitely a magic about newborns.

Our infants grow…and start talking…still cute!  Then, the challenging starts.  Looking for the boundaries.  Testing the waters.  The defiance.  The stubbornness.   The outbursts and the accompanying reactions that make us want to swallow our words and wish there was  “re-do” button in life.

RIght now we have Puma (9) entering her “tween” years…she wants to be an independent big girl, and yet she still wants to be snuggled and coddled on occasion.  Night Owl (6) is pushing to find boundaries again.  Charger (4) is struggling with the concept of being a big boy and still wanting to nurse.  We have set his next birthday as an end time and I think it is freaking him out.  Otter (2)…she just wants to do EVERYTHING that everyone else is doing – sometimes trying to compete with three siblings at the same time and she is exhausted as much as she is triumphant that she can do so many new things.

Chaos Central!!  Or it could be worse if I wasn’t willing to stop and reflect.  Just writing that last paragraph clarified that today, more than any day, I really need to stop, breathe, pray, and turn inward so that I can be all that I need to be.  I want to be able to meet my children where they are, with the same joy and excitement that I had when they were infants.  To be able to offer love this way – isn’t that worth breathing and praying for instead of checking off my to-do list?

So while we are all in state of flux, I think a great intention for the day is to smile before I speak, breathe before I answer, and remember their littleness in the face of their bigness.

Peace out, mamas – wishing you all a joyful day.

Wordless Wednesday: 5 Favorites

WE have had so many neat submissions on different topics that are important to creating a healthy family…here are five that demonstrate a different value we have:

Breastfeeding

BLOG WBW13 ww chandler1 spf

Babywearing

Babywearing on a hike

Babywearing on a hike

Co-sleepingBLOG SPF ww cosleep2

 

Green LivingBLOG ww140312 spf.7

 

Whole Food (and french fries!)

Night Owl eating out - nothing on the menu appealed to him, so he ordered his own smorgasbord for lunch!

Night Owl eating out – nothing on the menu appealed to him, so he ordered his own smorgasbord for lunch!

 

 

Wordless Wednesday: A Kiss For Luck

I picked this title as a reminder that when you wear your Sweet Pea, one of the safety checks is that they are “close enough to kiss” <3  Read more about safe babywearing HERE from The School of Babywearing™.

So sorry that the posts that were supposed to be #wordlesswednesdays are a little late this week…I have been under the weather and being #1 for the kiddos has been my priority.  Being a gentle parent is definitely a worthy goal…and letting go of other things helps me do that 🙂  I will announce this month’s submission contest winners tomorrow!

So, here are the lovely submissions for the Babywearing Theme of the Month.  Be sure to check out our post on Sweet Pea Births to see this month’s Breastfeeding Theme: Lucky Charms.

BLOG ww 140326 spf.5

Have you heard of the “Snugli”? I remember that this is what we used to call carriers “back in the day” when my brothers were babies 25 years ago!

BLOG ww 140326 spf.6

Soft-structured carrier

BLOG ww 140326 spf.4

Woven wrap

BLOG ww 140326 spf.3

Ring sling

BLOG ww 140326 spf.2

Soft-structured carrier

BLOG ww 140326 spf.1

Woven wrap

 

Parenting Forward: Reflections One Year Later

I wrote THIS a year ago – here is an excerpt:

I had the incredible realization yesterday that no matter what I do to “be better than”, my children are going to have something to say about it – and not necessarily good things!  I decided yesterday that beyond forgiving her, I have to stop trying to “be better than”.

The only thing I can *do* as a parent is listen to my children and do what it is best for them.  Parenting has to look forward, not backward.  What is my child’s personality?  What do they need from me:  Time? Touch? Kind words?

Instead of trying to be a better mother than my predecessors, I have to focus on being the best mother for the child in front of me.  I can’t do “one size fits all” mothering – it has to be individual, personal and invested in them.  That old saying “it’s not about you” is so poignantly true here.

Parenting is not about our past and us.  It is about our children and their future.

So, I am still working on forgiveness and my perceived shortcomings in how I was parented.  I am happy to say I feel like I have completely let go of being “better than” other parents from my past and those that are around me.  I embrace the fact that each of my children is an individual and needs me in a different way than their sibling may or may not be wanting to connect with me.

Things that I try to honor in each of them:
  • Their love language
  • Their space – each one has different touch and proximity needs
  • Making time for each one every day, even if it’s just 5-10 minutes of time with them without their siblings around to get on the floor and play, snuggle, or read a book.
  • Making sure they hear me say, “I love you and that love for you will never diminish” and making time to give each one a long hug every day.
  • Their need to see their dad and I in a healthy, safe relationship – as much as we can, we try to use humor and not talk unkindly even if we are in disagreement.

Parenting is definitely one of the biggest challenges I have faced as a human being.  The responsibility to love, nurture and create healthy, confident, thoughtful, empathetic human beings that will do good in the world because they want to is a big job.  I pray that I am up for it and that at the end of my life, my children can at least know that they were loved and cherished in spite of my imperfect parenting.