Category Archives: Monday Musings

Monday Musings: A Better Postpartum

Despite reading about and trying to prepare for the postpartum period while pregnant with my first baby those first weeks after his birth were a pretty miserable experience for me. I think with your first baby it is going to be a huge shock no matter what you do, everything that comes with being entirely responsible for a tiny human life is brand new and your body is undergoing rapid changes that have never happened to you before. That being said, I had an absolutely wonderful postpartum period with my second born, a blissful first week and then another wonderful two weeks after that spent at home. There are obviously a TON of factors that differ from first borns (knowing what to expect, your body’s physical memory, being used to interrupted sleep or very little sleep, etc. etc.) but there are a few things I did differently this time in hopes of a better postpartum that I wanted to share.

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Expectation & Household Help

Be very up front with your partner about the household needs if you are to remain in bed all day during those first days/weeks. Everyday I…. sweep, do one load of laundry, do two loads of dishes, pick up the playroom before dinner, wipe down the counters, etc. Personally, having my house out of order makes me feel out of order, you may be tempted to get up and do what you would like done, you may start to feel frustrated or resentful that your partner doesn’t see or know what needs to be taken care of – in my opinion it is best to have these conversations prior to birth and as frank as possible. If after understanding the requirements and expectation your partner isn’t up for the job then you can make arrangements to hire temporary help or ask friends or family members to take on specific duties (that you now have entirely listed out). I know it feels very strange and impersonal or uncomfortable but it is SO WORTH IT when you have a tidy home and can completely enjoy resting and responding to your newborn uninhibited.

Community

Which leads me to my next example, community. This is much harder with your first born as you may not have many friends that are mamas, or mamas of young children, but if there is any way for you to connect with other pregnant women or new moms or moms of your current child/children if this isn’t your first, DO IT. And while you can, before you are pregnant or before birth, show up for them. Make meals for new moms in the group, offer help to pregnant or new moms with their older children, reach out with flowers or anyway you can and when you have your baby they will do the same. We were showered with meals, snacks, flowers and gifts every single day that first week and it was nothing short of a continuous warm & fuzzy feeling.

Nourishment

At the advice of my midwife this time around I followed a vegetarian, high fat diet post birth. I really believe that this made such a HUGE difference for me. Nothing processed, no refined sugar or grains, big batches of nourishing smoothies, soups with seaweed, vegetables, soft cheeses, lots of ghee and butter, stewed fruits and nuts. This made going to the bathroom such a breeze (which seriously can be just as scary as birth itself that first week!) and I felt wonderful. Good fats are so important for hormones and there is evidence that they help combat postpartum depression, read a little more here & here. I will be forever grateful for all of the food preparation my husband did for me those first couple of weeks, and all of the generosity of our little community here made that possible. Him, my toddler and my mom, who was at our home helping out, never had to worry about anything to eat and I had endless options for quick grab-and-nurse foods in addition to everything my husband had prepped.

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Postpartum Lounge Wear

This point may seem vain and unnecessary but after an ultra nourishing postpartum diet I am going to put this up there as my next biggest game changer for baby #2. I lived in ultra tight Lululemon with teeny underwear prior to having my first baby and in the last few weeks of pregnancy it was the same pair of maternity tights and tank top that still fit. Once he was born I found myself so uncomfortable in those first weeks (months) with nothing to wear, my pre pregnancy clothes WAY too small, even my comfortable pajamas were squeezing me in various places, I had no underwear to accommodate large pads, I needed easy nursing access for my baby and it felt impossible to be slightly presentable, even just being in bed. This perpetuated more of the loneliness and isolation that is often felt after the birth of a first child. I wanted to at least try and see if that could be different this time. During Black Friday and some other holiday sales and with the help of my very generous mom I picked up some nice loungewear for after birth. A silky pajama set, two pajama sets I wouldn’t mind going for a walk around the block in, two pairs of comfortable high waisted jogger sweat pants, two nursing camisoles from Belabumbum and a few pairs of black boy short underwear in a size bigger than I normally wear. I didn’t wear any of my purchases prior to birth and everything was so fresh and nice and new to me when she arrived. I would take a lovely sitz bath and change into a nice, new pair of pajamas and I felt great. Now at 5 months postpartum I still wear every piece all of the time at home, definitely a good investment.

Perspective

I really wanted to make the most of our time home as a brand new family of four. Besides some aspects that are just kind of shocking, I think one of the hardest parts of postpartum is the guilt, the unrealistic expectations, the “shoulds”, the “have tos”, so I took some time before the birth to give myself some personal perspective. I was going to ask for and accept help, I was going to accept that my son was well cared for by someone other than myself, I was going to stay in bed, I was going to take a bath every day, I was going to take time and eat good food, I was going to see this as a blissful almost three weeks at home as a family, we would never all be home together for that amount of time! I was not going to power through pain or negative emotions, I was going to rest, cuddle and nurse the baby, and when someone else was cuddling her I was going to cuddle my son. And that was it. Instead of feeling trapped inside the house I was going to view it as my personal sanctuary, a spa like place, that was tidy from the help I requested, that served amazing food and where I took hot baths with and without my new baby. There was nothing else I should or had to be doing, this was it.

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A friend recently posted a link to this article on her Facebook page and it is so true. We have lost so much as new mothers in this country and I really hope little by little we can support each other and help change the face of postpartum (which really extends throughout the first year, IMO!), even a little bit. What did you do to have a better postpartum? What do you recommend to new mamas? How did your postpartum experience change with each child? We would love to hear your stories 🙂

Monday Musings: No-Candy Valentine’s Day

As I promoted my “No Sweets” post on Instagram, an interesting comment thread ensued.  In it, a discussion about how a grandchild requested a candy-free Valentine’s Day because he wants to pursue a healthier lifestyle, and a grandmother who was greatly offended and who intends to ignore/refuse his request.

It got me thinking…how would I honor this request if one of our children asked for this? In fact, how could we do a low-sweet, non-commercial candy (chemical sh**storm) Valentine’s Day?

So here is our plan:

1.  We are going to purchase fruits that can be cut with heart-shaped cookie cutters.  So far, we are up to kiwis, mango, pineapple, melons, bananas, and apples.  HERE is a way we have prepared apples before.  We may bake those, and do the rest raw…although I have heard that grilling pineapple is delicious, too.

2. For the ones that are prone to discoloration (bananas for sure, maybe the raw apples), we are going to roll them in organic cocoa powder.  THIS is the one we used for Christmas that we plan on using again (no affiliate links in this post – feel free to click).

3.  We are going to make our own chocolate dipped strawberries and kiwi pops – jury is still out on which organic chocolate I have the heart to melt – definitely NOT my Wei of Chocolate stash.  I’ll probably go with the Enjoy Life brand if I don’t find anything else.  HERE is a great how-to video on coating fruit with chocolate.  We use Spectrum Palm Shortening instead of coconut oil because coconut is another food we avoid due to allergies for the Sweet Pea Kids.

BLOG ww140514 spf.44. Last on our list, we are going to make a gluten-free, more natural version of THIS brownie recipe from the book Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld.  The recipe calls for adding in carrot and spinach purees along with the chocolate and sugar…YUM.  Besides replacing the flour with my favorite GF blend from Bob’s Red Mill, we do not use cooking sprays or margarine in our home.  We’ll adjust as needed and bake from there!

Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld

Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld

So while it isn’t going to be a no-sweet or chocolate-free for us, I appreciate the comment thread because it got me thinking about how we can have a gluten-free, non-commercial candy celebration.  It isn’t convenient, that is for sure, however, some of these things can be made ahead and frozen (kiwi pops, brownies) so that the work is spread out over a few days instead of one big day and night of preparation the day before St. Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Find us over on Instagram (SPF handle) throughout the week – Puma or I will post pictures of our progress through these ideas 🙂

Monday Musings: do I actually know what I need?

I felt fiercely private and protective of all aspects of my first birth, leading up to and then beyond my due date. I didn’t want anyone to know I was in labor, I didn’t want anyone to be there except my husband and my doula and later my midwife, I didn’t want anyone even talking out loud about their predictions or how they envisioned it unfolding for me: day/time/outcome/etc. And… it worked out well. I spent most of the day going about regularly scheduled activities and during my 5 hours of active labor and then 1 hour of pushing it was just me, my husband and my doula (and later my midwife) with nobody else being any the wiser. I had no idea what to expect and I needed to experience it by myself with no outside disturbances or distractions, I very much felt like I *knew* exactly what I needed and it seemed to be perfectly true. I wanted to focus entirely and completely on the task at hand, nothing to break my concentration. I barely talked and there was no conversation between contractions, it was all very intense the entire time – but worked well, the entire labor & birth were very efficient.

the number of days until my due date - AHHH!

the number of days until my due date – AHHH!

This time I seem to be behaving exactly the opposite. Part of it has to do with the fact that now it is not just my husband and I but our son too and he requires more, a friend will be coming over to play with him and take him in and out of the house as he wishes. This friend may have another child with her so it could not just be him running around but one of his little best friends too.

Part of it is that our living situation has changed, our location and the fact that I know longer work for a paycheck full time, my full time is now spent looking after our son. Because of this a doula was not a viable option this time, *but* my midwives have a couple of women they work with that love to come to births to lend a hand, just because they love to. I haven’t actually met them yet but told my midwife I would adore and appreciate any extra help, emotionally, physically, even just help around the house as things are much more chaotic than last time.

And then there is birth photography. Photography was not even a consideration with my first birth and the farthest thing from my mind. My doula said she would snap a few shots for me and thank goodness for her because her three or so pictures are all that I have of that day and night and I actually LOVE looking at them. A few weeks ago I saw these photos of a girl I know that lives near us and I fell completely in love. I couldn’t stop looking at them for days (she is totally going to think I am a creep the next time I see her) and when I found out the photographer is actual a home birth mama herself any reservations I had about the process were gone and I just wanted her there too.

So now the count for my birth is: my husband, my son, possibly one of his toddler friends, one of my friends, two midwives, a possible free doula I have not met and a photographer – and my house is less than 1,000 square feet. It feels completely insane yet entirely right to me all at the same time.

The other day my son & I watched this birth video and I felt even another huge shift in how I envisioned my birth.

I didn’t want it to be me in an intense, unbreakable, focused place tuning out all of the people and probably inevitable pseudo craziness around me, I want to be a part of it. I want to talk and laugh with the women around me like in the video, and I see the entire environment much more light hearted in general.

I re-read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth this pregnancy and something in it really stuck with me. I can’t remember exactly what Ina May said but it was something to the extent of not being a crazy, dramatic, shrieking woman towards your partner during labor, that they (your partner) deserve positivity and for you to be nice, not slinging insults their way, etc. She talks a lot about “relaxation of the cervical sphincter that correlated with positive and loving words spoken during the most intense phase of labor” and “how the words [you speak] affect [your] labor” and then goes on to tell stories of mothers that would tell husband, baby, midwives and the friends helping how much she loved/appreciated them and Ina May added that “[she had] never noticed anyone’s cervix remain tight and unyielding while speaking loving and positive words”

I felt that during my first birth a lot of my rest between contractions was spent anticipating and bracing myself for the next one – and I would really like to have a go at some laughter and breaks in the tension and intensity this time around.

But then I think… am I crazy? Why fix something that isn’t broken? My labor with my son was swift, straightforward and effective. Can I really get the job done in a completely different environment? Is what I see for this birth actually right for me (and subsequently baby)?

I am a very changed person since the birth of my son, I feel like a lifetime of joy, tears, love, growth and sleep deprivation have taken place in the three short years since he joined us earth side. And I am also a vessel for an entirely different human being this time. Her wants and needs may not align with her brother’s in the slightest.

And so… I am just going to trust. Trust that everything has come together exactly as it should. Trust that when I say or do something without thinking about it first it comes from a place of inner wisdom. And trust that everything is fluid, no matter how the birth environment is it can always change if I or baby need it to.

How have your births differed from child to child? Has becoming a mother once changed the way in which you give birth again?

Do you *know* what birth holds for you and your baby while pregnant? Has envisioning the kind of birth you want come true for you? I would LOVE to hear other people’s experiences <3

Monday Musings: Healing

What does that mean, really? HEALING.

Is it from one ailment? Good enough to function? Or am I praying for truly a complete, transformational healing that changes a life?

Let me back up.  Puma has been struggling with her bowels for years.  It started when she was about five years old.  We suspected food poisoning, and later blood tests showed Hepatitis A, which is generally an indicator of food poisoning.  As our pediatrician told us, “you could get it from lettuce in a salad bar”.

Ever since then, she has not been well.  After going the Western allopathic route with no positive results, and the weekly visits to the chiropractor that started when she was six years old didn’t resolve the issue, we started working with an acupuncturist when she was around seven.  He has an Asyra machine that evaluates the whole body….after three sessions, we were able to get that her body was not tolerating gluten.  An answer!

So we cut out gluten – things got better.  Then she got hit with Rotavirus last April (2013).  Her little body could not recover from that on her own and we ended up with a five-day hospitalization.  Little by little she got stronger and added more weight.  Things started to improve again – life goes on.

Last September, I start having this nagging suspicion that something is still not right. After the “summer growth spurt” children go through, I see that she is among the “small” ones in her peer group as other girls her age have added inches to their stature.  Then Night Owl, who is 2 years and 9 months younger is gaining on her height (he is actually now taller than she is.)  I begin to wonder if maybe, just maybe, this gut “thing” is still preventing her from using all the nutrients in her food, and if I will have any regrets if I don’t follow up.

So after talking with Bruss, praying about it, we decide it is time to go the allopathic route again. She does another round of blood work; our pediatrician recommends a naturally-minded GI specialist.  We make the appointment and are counting down the days until we take another stab at getting some answers and some kind of solution.

In the meantime, Puma comes down with another virus.  It is suspected to be Norovirus.  Thank goodness there is no vomiting this time (we know if that happens, we try the Zofran and if Zofran doesn’t work we need to go to the hospital…) – anyway, it’s just a gradual decline into helplessness as I watch our child fall into despair and listlessness and she refuses to eat because she knows it’s just coming right out the other side.  I hear her crying every time she is in the bathroom, and one morning she asks me, “Why me – why am I always in the bathroom?”

I remember the lesson she taught me – ask for prayer – plain and simple.  I send out an email to our family requesting prayer.  The next morning, I have a revelation that I am praying for her to get better.  What I really should be praying for is not just for her to get better, but a full, complete HEALING.  Entire body well.  Entire body functional.  Entire.

Why does that scare me?  If she is off gluten (and Night Owl is also GF among other allergies), we have the perfect reason to keep wheat out of the house.  That crop scares me – it’s primarily GMO, highly processed, and found in all the foods we so conveniently and thankfully keep out of the house.  I often say that our children’s allergies are the best thing that ever happened to us – it forced us into whole food eating without a fuss.

If Puma, and Night Owl for that matter, are HEALED, then the food restrictions go away.  AWAY.  It means that they can eat anything.  I had to ask myself if there is pain/pleasure disconnect in my children’s suffering and my desire to have the simple answer, “You know you cannot have that,” and it’s the end of a discussion.

I had to face the reality that if I trust that God is the Supreme Healer, and that He wants the best for us, then I must pray for a complete healing.  I have to trust that He can heal, and I have to believe that is the best for our children.  He did not design us to be sick and intolerant of his wonderful provision.  We are to be healthy, full expressions of His Glory.

I must pray for complete healing, and then change the paradigm for our food choices.  We are not going to avoid foods because we have allergies anymore.  We will make wise choices that nourish and feed our healthy bodies and souls.  All the same rules still apply – the motivation behind our food choices must change to accept that my children can be healed if that is God’s will for our lives.

So I wrote down the prayer that was in my heart – it came to me almost as soon as I had the revelation that I was praying the wrong prayer.  Here it is for you to share in communion with me, and join me if you are so inclined, or maybe they will be a blessing to someone you love.

This is my parent’s prayer:

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Prayer for a child – I say her name when I pray for her.

And I also wrote down a version for Puma to keep at her bedside and pray if she wanted to pray for her own healing:

Prayer that Puma can read and pray if she is led to do so

Prayer that Puma can read and pray if she is led to do so

I had an initial gut-check – I have seen the blogs of parents who pray for healing and the answer is a child that is called back to God.  Who am I to pray for a complete healing?  Can I be so bold?  And the answer I get is YES. A resounding YES because I felt called to pray this prayer.  I cannot know what the answer is.  I just know that I am called to faith and prayer.

So every morning, I start with the Our Father and then this.  I trust in all the goodness and the glory of Our Maker.

(P.S. Thanks to some direction from our chiropractor on what she needed to take, and the combined voices of our family joining mine in prayer, Puma woke up the next morning so much better than the day before.  By the third day, she was back to what I would call herself.  God has already showed me that I just need to have faith.)

Monday Musings: Births off the “plan”

As childbirth educators in The Bradley Method®, we attract students who want to have an unmedicated vaginal birth.  It is our goal to prepare them for Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby outcomes by starting with a foundation of a  healthy, low-risk pregnancy.  We stress the importance of abdominal breathing, relaxation, exercise and a healthy diet.  We share information so that they are confident in the process, have the education to ask good questions and get complete answers.  It is all with the goal for them to be able to evaluate decisions in their birth and make empowered decisions that they feel good about when they look back on their Sweet Pea’s Birth-Day.

In our evolution as instructors, we don’t teach The Birth Plan anymore.  We teach The Wish List, and encourage them to embrace the process of communication between themselves and their birth team.  We ask them to prioritize the different possibilities, variations and complications and decide how they would want to choose while they are calm and have the whole scope of the internet as a research tool without time constraints or pressure to decide *right* now.  We spend 12 weeks informing, encouraging and hopefully, empowering them, for a Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby outcome.

Sounds nice, right?

It’s crap sometimes.  I have watched students and/or been in contact with them throughout their births and they end up with interventions, up to and including cesarean births.  The overwhelming majority of them are for appropriate reasons – the true complications when interventions and/or surgery are unquestionably the right choice for both mother and baby to still be “healthy”.

We invite and encourage them all to come back and share their birth stories when it comes time to have their class reunion. Thankfully, those that do come back and share, still feel that the time spent preparing was well worth it, because they used the tools they learned in class throughout the birth experience.

I can’t help but wonder if they are ever “okay”.  As a regular at ICAN meetings for almost three years now, it has made me painfully aware of how powerful our words are – those we say to ourselves and those we hear from others.

I have a new goal for my classes.  Just like we switched from “the plan” to “the wish”, my intention is to focus less on the birth and more on the process.  I cannot fix the mamas who are going to have postpartum depression. I can however change the message of our classes so that there is one less pressure to have a “perfect birth”.

The lightbulb went off when I looked at my face in the picture at the top of this post.  This is our fourth child – my fourth time going through this process of labor and birth.  And I still look surprised!! And I was – after our longest labor, I was still thrilled and awed to be holding a new life in my hands – a life that up to the moment it was born, had been inside.  Now it was outside, living, breathing, beating it’s heart all by it’s lonesome without any influence from me.

My new focus is going to be on the miracle of pregnancy and the work we do to have a baby on the other side of labor.  In that, we are all equal.  We have all endured the anticipation of a pregnancy test, come to terms with the answer, and grown these little miracles for however long they reside within us.  To borrow words from the affirmation post I wrote for the SPB blog today:

“Never cease to be amazed by the miracle of life that you grew within you…no matter how you birth, take heart from the fact that the new human being you are holding in your arms was grown within you and by you with loving intention.”

The thought that our bodies have failed us can be devastating.  If we can find joy in the miracle of the life that we grew and take some of the pressure off of the way they entered the world, maybe one mama can start her journey towards healing with a positive thought about something she did do well.  Her body did succeed at growing a baby, and that is something that can be celebrated in the midst of the questions about why the wish list went completely out the window.

I encourage mamas who feel like they have healing to do in regards to their birth to reach out for help.  There is the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN), Birthing From Within is training Birth Listeners (I am on the waiting list!! I hope to take the training this year), or you can speak to a counselor, therapist or psychologist who is qualified to work with women who want to work through and process their birth(s).

If I am speaking to you, please know that my heart is breaking with yours.  I know that you have a healthy baby.  I grieve with you about the birth you did not have.  I want you to know that you are a hero in my eyes.  You allowed your body to be invaded by instruments (needles or otherwise) to give your baby the birth that they needed because you have so much love for them that you were willing to be *that* vulnerable for them.  I hope you come to a place where you will believe in your heart of hearts that you are not broken.  You may need mending, and you are not broken.  You are loved.

Monday Musing: What is a better place?

THIS article by Anne Josephson started quite a conversation on my facebook feed.  I “shared” it to serve as an example of why I am happy with our choice to retreat from the world of public schooling and the pressure exerted by the parents of our children’s peers.

The article speaks to parents competing using the children as pawns, not the ills of competition itself, so let’s start with some quotes to clarify that position:

“I will no longer play the game of competitive parenting.”

“I am removing myself and by proxy my four children from the race. And by doing so, I am choosing to honor them for being exactly who they are: human beings in and of their own right, not proof of my worthiness… I am comforted by what one of the great philosophers, Lily Tomlin, said, “The problem with the rat race is, even if you win, you’re still a rat.”

So let’s replace the words “rat race” with “competitive parenting”. That turns the last sentence into,

“The problem with the competitive parenting is,
even if you win, you’re still a competitive parent.”

There is no reference to the child in that sentence, and I believe the point the author is trying to make is that parenting should be directed toward the child and for the child, not to improve the status or lend credibility to a parent who needs validation.  I feel like the article validated my belief that it is not fair, nor in the long run healthy, for me to push my children “to do” or “to be” because another child in their peer group is already doing that, or because I want them to be the first to achieve a milestone whether or not they are ready.

Through the course of the conversation, I got clarity about these ideas as they relate to our family:

    • Healthy competition can be a great thing, especially when it’s self-motivated.
    • I am by nature a competitive person – it has made me who I am today.
    • If they have it within them, I want that same internal drive to motivate our children, not our pressure.
    • If they are not competitive by nature, then I will step in and provide motivation apropos to the needs that drive their personality.
    • Finding my worth as person/parent through my child for the sake of being the first – the best – the only, etc., I will do my best to ensure that is not part of our family story.

How do you see your role as a parent?

I believe that my role as a parent is to prepare them to leave my side and succeed.  I am doing my best to equip them to deal with all the kindness and unkindness in the world on their own two feet.  They will absolutely know how to deal with people because we interact with people every day. When things go well we talk about it and when there are challenges we talk about how we could have done things differently, and will do them differently in the future.

As a parent-team, my husband and I check in with each other on a regular basis to evaluate how we are growing as a family and as individuals.  A big goal is to honor our children as individuals.  We want them to be free to be who they are, and we want to help them discover their individual gifts. We want them to have the knowledge, confidence and faith in themselves because they know they are loved and children of God.

As a parent, it behooves us to watch our children, observe their strengths, and build their character.  Parents need to think about what motivates them when it comes to pushing their children in a particular direction.  We should question if our motivation is to do it for them, or if we are pushing them to grow because our child has to be #1 or else you have failed as a parent.  The part that worries me is that they will begin to think they have failed us as our child.

I also believe that God chose us to teach/learn from each other.  I am open to and I want to learn the lessons are children are teaching us.  They are individuals, they have unique needs, and they are growing me as a person.  It is an honor and it is humbling to learn from them – they truly are sages trapped in the bodies of children.

In my case, I believe that if I strive to know them, love them, and guide them in their strengths while teaching them to love and respect their fellow man and leave the world better than they found it, I have succeeded. It has nothing to do with comparing them to their peers. It has to do with instilling the knowledge that they are loved, valued, and that they have something unique to contribute to the world.  In order to do that within a circle of love, I remove our children to protect them from the competition, the hatred and the bitterness in the world.

I also include our children to have them grow: through social interactions with people we trust and respect, classes that are of interest to them, attendance to a church that fits our beliefs and our values, and community service. As they grow and find their interests, we will also branch out and explore in the areas that are of their choosing.

What is the meaning of “service”?  To find that answer for my parenting philosophy, I turn to my faith: Jesus came to serve. In that sense, there will always be service in our family – whether it’s to our immediate family, our neighbor, to those less fortunate, or even service to the world we were gifted by taking care of it.

How do I define the world as better? By leaving it with more love – when I look at the New Testament, that’s what I get – LOVE. Simple. Love God; love one another. If I have shared love and others have grown because of that love, and if I teach our children to love and be better at loving than I am, then the world is better. In my little corner of the world, love is always the answer. Always.

Monday Musing: Mother’s Day

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

~Jill Churchill

Celebrating the day with our four children yesterday was amazing.  We are so blessed to have them in our lives.  I often marvel that I was chosen to be their mother – they are each of them teaching me lessons that I need to learn.  I thank God that he trusted me to grow them and nurture their souls, and pray that I don’t break them as I learn the lessons He sent with them!

I am also painfully aware that Mother’s Day might be hell on earth for other women: the women who have angels waiting in heaven from miscarriage, stillbirth or child loss, to those who’s hearts are heavy as they struggle with infertility, or because they never conceived and their childbearing days are over.  Maybe this is the first year without their own mother who has been called on to the next journey, or it is one of the successive years after the loss of their own mother that still carries a dull ache. 

For at least a month leading up to the event and for the whole second Sunday of May, every retailer, card company and television commercial is grinding salt into their wound.  I propose that it is up to us to mother these women – we can be the ones to love them, cherish them, listen to them, cry with them – just be with them without offering platitudes and trite words.   Make an effort and plan time with them – be available if they want to talk or share memories. Here are some places I go for word reminders when I am going to be “holding space” with them:

So how does the quote above tie-in? I am reminded once again that I have an incredible gift: four healthy, vibrant children that are very much alive.  I owe it to them to learn what makes them “tick”.  I owe it to them to put away my screens and literally face-time with them beyond doing our school-work together.  Hug them every day.  Look them in the eye every day.  Tell them they are loved, cherished and show them that they are respected every day.  Ask them what they want to do this week and make sure that the reasonable requests get planned and get done. The unreasonable requests present opportunities for creative play – something we can definitely do more. Since I am so list-driven, I lose sight of creative play – time to bring it back!

I will never be perfect – I can however, do my very best to be good to them and do good for them all throughout their day.

Monday Musings: Midwives

Today is International Day of the Midwife – wishing all these amazing birthworkers a very blessed day!

Our midwives made a huge difference in the way we labored and birthed Otter – HERE is Part 1 of her birth story and HERE is Part 2 – it’s long so I split it up.  (I was impressed I was able to compress 3 days into two blog posts – lol.)

As we fought for homebirth rights again this legislative session in Arizona, one thing became crystal clear for me.  We cannot change our abysmal birth outcomes until we change the paradigms around birth in our country.

Doctors putting down midwives…hospital midwives touting their credentials and college degrees…homebirth midwives asking to be recognized for their skill set and knowledge that has been handed down through the ages.

And I mean that literally: there is no way the human species would have survived if these women didn’t know a thing or two about birth.  How many species have we seen become extinct in our lifetime?  It happens! If birth was as dangerous and mysterious and frightening as the scare-tactic practitioners would have you believe, we would have been gone AGES ago.

While there are fabulous and atrocious providers in all three categories of pregnancy care providers, it is time we demand better.  I would be thrilled if by the time our children are having children, midwives are caring for the majority of the population that is low-risk with the “watchful waiting” model of midwifery care. And, obstetricians are still in practice to care for the high-risk pregnancies that truly need a different skill set and level of care.  It is possible to rewrite our birth paradigm and have everyone (well, almost everyone!) respect each other and get along.

There is no doubt that modern medicine has improved outcomes for women with true complications of pregnancy and childbirth – here are a few cases where we can definitely be grateful: Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, NICU care that allows preemies to survive and thrive, cesarean births for mothers with transverse babies, placenta abruptia, placenta accreta – these are all situations where modern medicine has had a positive impact.

However, we have to ask ourselves – how have we gotten to the point where almost 33% of all births end with surgery? Why have we dropped (AGAIN!) in maternal mortality rates – we are now ranked 50 in the world.  Why are we ranked at 56th in the world for infant mortality rate?? Something is seriously and desperately wrong with maternity care.  Birth is not a pathogen; it’s not an illness that needs to be managed and controlled.

I ask families to research the possibility of midwifery care.  HERE is a look at a recent study that demonstrated that midwifery-led care dramatically improved outcomes.

From the Midwives Alliance of North American (MANA) website, here are some of the benefits you might expect from midwifery care:

    • monitoring the physical, psychological and social well-being of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle
    • providing the mother with individualized education, counseling, and prenatal care, continuous hands-on assistance during labor and delivery, and postpartum support
    • minimizing technological interventions and
    • identifying and referring women who require obstetrical attention.

Also from MANA:

What women love is that there is more to maternity care with a midwife than checking blood pressure, fundal height, weight and urine checks.

  • You will see a familiar face at each of your appointments, and you will be given adequate time to ask questions and address your concerns.
  • Your midwife is a specialist in pregnancy, birth and postpartum care who has designed a complete program of care to nurture healthy pregnancy, joyful birth and confident parenting.
  • You will receive individualized, culturally appropriate, family-centered full-scope prenatal services, and continuous care and support during labor and birth.
  • Your midwife will incorporate shared decision-making into your care so that you will feel informed and empowered to make good health decisions for you, your infant and your family.
  • Your midwife has the skills and knowledge to facilitate healthy normal childbirth, to assure comfort and safety for you and your baby, and to accommodate your family’s needs.
  • You midwife has a plan for collaboration with obstetricians, pediatricians, and other specialists in the rare case where medical care for mother or your baby is needed.
  • You will receive nurturing postpartum care and support in your home and the midwife’s office in the weeks and months after birth as you adjust to your new baby and the changes in your family.

Source: http://www.mana.org/about-midwives/midwifery-model

Midwives have long served the underprivileged and the marginalized by society. Making them available in community health care centers would address the needs of the communities ravaged by the disparity in health care based on the ability to pay for care.  I am ashamed to read that the difference in birth outcomes would be drastically improved along color lines – we are living in 2014!! This should not even be a discussion about racial barriers and access to care, but it is. IT IS.

Not all families are comfortable with the idea of homebirth.  Those families who want to birth in a hospital setting have the options of midwifery care from hospital-based Certified Nurse-Midwives.  They have the training to use medical interventions plus they are taught about birth as a normal function of the female body, not a pathogen that needs to be managed and controlled as dictated by the obstetrical model of care.  Our experience as we hear our student’s birth stories is that they tend to use them judiciously within the “watchful waiting” model of midwifery care.

The bottom line is this: families are seeking respectful, personalized, humanized care in droves. Midwives and the midwifery model of care are definitely staying and growing in the USA.  It’s time to rewrite our birth paradigm and find ways for all care providers to forge new pathways to mutual respect and understanding so that mothers and babies have a chance for a future.

Monday Musings: Deposits and Imprints

The more I learn about parenting, the more I realize that to be the kind of parent I want to be, it has to be a conscientious effort to be my best.  It is easier to react instead of remembering breathe first.  It is easier to yell instead of remembering to breathe first.  It is definitely easier to be Crazy Mama than it is to be Peaceful Mama.

However, Crazy Mama is definitely not the legacy I want to leave to our children.  When they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember laughter, joy, and peacefulness.  I want them to remember playing outside, fun field trips, blowing bubbles.

Most of all, I want them to remember being respected.  It is my dream that this generation that is being raised by more parents who are committed to making a conscientious effort to be peaceful, gentle, and intentional about their parenting will be good stewards and more peaceful as a whole.

Therein lies my perpetual vicious circle.  Be present. Plan ahead. The future “eye on the prize”. Be present.

I think that we will take some time to do some dream boards this week.  I wonder what images our children would pick if I asked them to cut out pictures of things they would want to do if they could have a perfect day – week – year (depending on their ability to understand time).  Once I know what their visions and ideas are, we can get started on making those things happen. Whether in actuality or pretend play, these are the memories that I want to make with them.  The ones that they want to remember.

Be present.  Leave positive imprints. With that, I am off to make memories.

What is a phrase or saying that centers your intention as a parent?

Monday Musings: I am

Do you know who you are?  Do you know what your core values are?  Do you know what your purpose is in life, apart from the people that you are providing for and taking care of as your “job” or your “role” in your family?

I am working on a piece called “Identity Crisis” for Thoughtful Thursday this week.  I think that all of us need the reminder that it is okay to think about yourself first – you must be in a good space to wear all the hats that you wear on a daily basis with a smile. Not the one that is just pasted on the space between your chin and your nose.  I’m talking about the genuine, really beautiful smile that resonates deep down from the heart level.

So I leave you with the big question for self-reflection until Thursday:
How do you answer the question “I AM A/AN….”, if you are not allowed to use your “title”? (mom/dad/husband/wife/partner/job title not allowed)

Be sure to check out this week’s listing of FREE family events around the Phoenix, AZ area on our SPB blog, and remember that this Wednesday’s theme is “Babywearing: Give me a kiss to build a dream on”.

CONTEST!!
In order to motivate you to scroll through your picture gallery and send us an email, each picture that is featured is equal to one entry! I will be drawing a winner using Random.org.  Numbers will be assigned in the order that picture submissions are received, and we will draw a winner on Wednesday evening that will be announced when the post is published.  Winner gets a choice of a water bottle, a baby onesie, or a toddler tee from our shop on Cafe Press.

Email your submissions to sweetpeabirths@gmail.com, along with a statement that we have permission to share your image(s) on social media.  Thank you!