Category Archives: Monday Musings

Growing your motherhood

I want to preface this post by acknowledging that this is a very mommy+me post. My husband is a huge part of our family dynamic, so I want to be sure to give him huge props for being an amazing co-parent and involved part when he is not at work. When I talk about our children, it just happens to be a relationship that grows when he is at work since I am a stay-at-home mom. When he is home he is hugely involved. However, our family dynamic is one of me doing most of the childcare from 7 am – 4 pm. 

One of the great joys of teaching childbirth classes is having students return for future pregnancies. It is an honor to walk this journey with them after they have been initiated through the birth journey and parenthood.

When we do a 12-week series that I like to call the Bradley “next” class, we talk a little bit about sibling preparation every session, instead of breast feeding basics that we would do with a class full of new parents.  It’s a nice way to introduce ideas about parenting multiple children, and have the couples dialogue about what their new normal might be like when they are parents of 2+ children.

One of the most common questions mothers have is similar to the one I had: How will I love the next child?

For we will never have the singularly devoted time, the energy moving in one direction; it will never again be “just the two of us” plus your co-parent. We give so much to our first-borns – some of us wonder if will we ever be able to give enough to the rest of the children.

One of the ways we prepared Puma to be a big sister was to read her some sibling books about welcoming a new baby. I  remember sobbing every I time read her a book where the mother is home with the two children, and the big sister is adjusting to life with a new baby. I am so grateful to that illustrator for drawing a tired mom and a messy house, and a family that eventually finds joy and a new normal.

BigSisNow

Image source: Amazon

It gave me hope, and it gave both of us a reference point when we needed to have a conversation about “the baby”. We could talk about the family in the book and then talk about how that might look for our family.

Now, I had the grace of having a toddler as a big sister…due to a miscarriage between Puma and Night Owl, they are almost three years apart. I had it easy in some ways, because Puma was at the age when she was happy for a little independence and relished her ability to do something, but not the baby, “they’re too little…” Some of our students are welcoming sweet peas 15-18 months apart, so the older sibling is still very much a “baby” compared to where we were.

Here is one thing I do want to share, because no matter how far apart your children are, this may resonate with you:

You are enough. You will find a way.

You may need to ask for help. You may need to lower your standards. It is possible to have multiple children and still have time every day for meaningful time with them .

One of our student’s mom shared this nugget of wisdom with me. She is the mother of six children, and this is what she told me: Every time we brought a baby home, we lowered our standards a little bit more. Now they are all gone, the house is perfect, and I miss them all.

This is what I do know as a mother to four children:
The emotional hurdle from being a mother to one child to two children is a huge one. For many of us, it’s hard to wrap our mind around the idea that our first born is graduating to be a big brother or big sister. Maybe you are asking yourself how you will possibly be able to give the best of yourself when you are being pulled in more directions.

The beauty is that our love doesn’t just double. Our heart grows exponentially, and there is so much love you can’t always hold it all! Our new children need us in a new way, sometimes a different way, and that stretches us in our motherhood.  And all our children (and your partner!) will benefit from this new mother you are growing into.

While we may grieve the loss of giving everything to our first-born, without oue other children we might be tempted to stagnate. That isn’t much of an option when you add to your family, because each new soul is going to ask something new of us as mothers. And you will rise to the occasion, again and again.  You will find yourself with more resources, more knowledge, more confidence than you might be able to imagine right now.

Reflecting back, I can tell you that it was good to cry those tears, and grieve the loss of our only-child status. It helped me be emotionally ready for the next birth. It let me turn the page to the next chapter.  It allowed me to embrace my new normal once I found it.

It was messier, louder and a little more chaotic at first. However, we all adjusted and I am actually sad that Otter will never get to experience the joy of being the “big” in our family…but seriously, we had to stop having children at some point!

If you are in your last days or weeks as a mother of one before you welcome your next Sweet Pea, I invite you to celebrate your only-child earthside status between between/through/after the inevitable tears. Do one special thing every day, take pictures, talk about all the things your first-born can imagine about being a “big”. Celebrate your motherhood and your relationship with your first-born, while still taking the time to point out all the big brothers and sisters while you are out and about. It will help both of you adjust to the idea of the new baby 🙂

I hope your motherhood journey will continue to inspire you and grow you in rich and wonderful ways <3

More about Sibling Preparation on Sweet Pea Births HERE

You can also check our archives here on SPF for blog posts both Cassandra and I have written about sibling preparation.

Date Night Playdate

Today’s post was inspired by the answer I got when I asked a friend, “Is there anything else you want to do before your baby comes?”

Date Night Playdate
Parenting is many things. Couples who are committed to a healthy relationship know that time together to nurture that relationship is an integral part of the long-term viability of the partnership.
So what to do when time and/or finances might be tight?? Here is an idea: Date Night Playdate!!
How it works:
We probably all have 1-2 families we trust with our children. Talk to them about this and see what you can work out.
First of all, you have to make sure they are willing to trade childcare for date nights.
Things you might want to hash out:
Who provides the snacks? Does the host provide meals or do you pot-luck? Is it a sleepover or just an afternoon or night out? Are your parenting principles in alignment (Time-outs? Time-ins? etc.)? I am going to guess they probably are if you would leave your children in their trust – check for your own peace of mind if necessary.
Then, agree to trade at least one time. You might pot-luck for dinner and then one set of parents goes out on the town (or home for kid-free time!) while the other set of parents entertain. Then you switch next week/month/year…however it works out for your crew.
Some families may do better with a drop-n-go to minimize separation anxiety. And some trades might include 2-3 families so that four sets of eyes are watching the kiddos; and then all grown-ups get a little adult conversation, too.
Before you leave, clearly state that the adults in charge have permission to correct behavior if necessary, and that you will be back to get them at “xx:xx” time. Tell them you hope that they will have so much fun on their playdate, and then hit then hit the road. (If your children are time-driven, by all means pick them up on time, barring extenuating circumstances.)
Then go out – or go home!! Whatever suits your budget. You can make a nice meal together and rent a movie for a fraction of the cost of dinner at a restaurant and a movie at the theater. Or go for a walk…ride bikes…play at the park…those are free! Maybe you want to get some grocery shopping done without little hands to watch. Whatever works for you and that gives you time to check in and share affection with your partner – plan it and then do it!!
I would love to hear what works for you and what kind of creative date nights you come up with. Or maybe you are already doing this and have some encouragement to share. Please leave a comment with your thoughts – can’t wait to read what you have to say!!
Here are three different idea lists for “date nights in” and/or “date nights on a budget” – enjoy!!
10 ideas via mom365
10 ideas via the bump
Cheap Ideas via Valley Parents

Just One More

Our sweet friend that I was praying for was called home to be with our Lord last week.  I really feel like we got a miracle, although it wasn’t the one for a complete recovery.  She was able to have two lucid days to recognize, share and laugh with all the family and friends that came to see her. The doctors were shaking their heads in disbelief on Sunday…and she lived for two more days beyond that. It was a gift to share two more days with her here on earth – for that I am grateful.

As I looked for pictures of her, I started to panic. I knew I had one of her that I loved…and it took almost two hours to find it because I had to go that far back in our digital files.  After I finally found it, it was bittersweet. I had the picture I wanted, yet in the process of looking, I realized how few I had of her to remember her by, and I have not even one of the two of us together.

Neither of us was crazy about having our picture taken, and knowing how much I hated to have my picture taken, I wanted to honor her wish not to be photographed.  In my head, we had years with her…why would I need a picture to remember her by? This was a person with whom we celebrated birthdays, who we saw over the summer in the mountains, who we could pop in and see on the weekend…why would I risk upsetting her for the sake of a memory when I knew she was a forever kind of friend?

Along those lines, I am also going to encourage you to make memories now. We are all tired, short on time, and have homes in various states of disarray.  Lately, every time she was on my mind, I would hear she was in the hospital again.  Instead of taking the time to go see her after each discharge, I said a prayer of thanksgiving that she was well, thinking that there was still plenty of time. I had envisioned that we would travel with them after our children were older – and by then we wouldn’t care about taking pictures, right???

Wrong on both counts – our friendship is out of time, and I sit here with a short stack of pictures to share with our children when we talk about this wonderful friend who came to visit each of them after they were born, who came to baptisms and birthday celebrations, who kept special toys in her home for the times when children came to visit…so little of that is recorded because I wanted to honor her desire to stay off camera.

What is the fine line between respecting someone and recording their presence in your life? I still don’t know. Personally, it has made me grateful that I heard Jen McClellan of Plus Size Birth speak at a conference two years ago. Her message to “Capture Motherhood” really resonated with me, and since then, I have made an effort to be in more pictures with our family.

So today, I am going to add one more voice to the growing body of posts on the blogosphere that say: take the pictures. Life is messy, and for too long we have been deceived that the only worthy pictures are the “perfect” ones that we would print on a holiday card.  The truth is that out of the whole year, there are only 2-3 days that we really dress up for; that leaves 362 days of “real life” that we have the rest of the time.  Catch some of it on camera…so those that want to remember you in pictures will have something to look at and share along with all the wonderful stories of living life with you.

Along with taking more pictures, I am also going to try to remember to tell people what I love and appreciate about them more often. This friend was part of my journey of becoming a mother – I don’t know if I could ever thank her enough for her help the first time I tried to breastfeed in public. Without her by my side, I would have been even more of a mess that first time.  She calmed me down, found a way for me to latch Puma in privacy, and sat by my side as tears of pain and embarrassment rolled down my face. I know I thanked her that day.  Looking back, I can see how pivotal that moment was for me, and I wish I had told her again how much that moment means to me today. It always felt silly to want to say something…now I wish I had.

If you have those special people in your life, give them an extra big squeeze today as you tell them why they are important to you.  And get that picture with them, too.  Capture life.

My story of hearing Jen speak HERE

Jen’s Plus Size Birth blog HERE

Birth Without Fear events HERE

Praying

I heard a sermon more than ten years ago that explained how the very simple “Lord’s Prayer” (Matthew 6:9-13) could serve as an outline for making prayer requests.   That teaching has stayed with me to this day, and it has become a guideline for my prayer life.  Since I am deep in prayer for some loved ones, I thought I would share how this prayer sustains me in times like this.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be they name
When we open with this statement, we honor God – and the Bible tells us often that he likes to be praised.  I also use this time to praise and thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon our family – it’s wonderful for my soul to just start with gratitude.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
This is where I put in my request.  It’s a great reminder that this is just our temporary home, and that we are striving for our heavenly home.  Whatever I ask, I recognize that I am asking what I will; beyond that, I ask God to help me accept his will for what is going to happen in answer to prayer.

Give us this day our daily bread,
This is where I ask God to grant me whatever tools I need to get through this day, and if I am praying for someone else, that they will also be granted whatever resources they need for the day ahead.

and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.
What a great opportunity to inventory – what sins do I need to let go and allow myself to release the guilt so that I can walk forward in peace?  Who do I need to forgive for real or imagined transgressions so that I can walk forward in even more peace?

Lead us not into temptation, 
Especially when I am hurting, I pray for release from the temptation to blame God or question his will. I also pray for protection from the temptations of doing things the easy way (i.e., as a mother: yelling is a great temptation – it’s easy! I pray that instead, I will breath first and take stock of a situation before I speak)

and deliver us from evil.
Here I pray for protection for our family and friends – may we be under God and the angels loving care for the whole day.

This part is not in the Bible, but I still say it since it’s part of the Lord’s Prayer song I learned as a child…
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Back to praise – and a great reminder that we are under his care, and that he does all things for the good of his children, whether we like the answer or not.

AMEN.

My dad also sent me this verse today…sharing it here in case it will lift someone else up:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

– Deuteronomy 31:6-8, NIV

Humor – not funny.

I mentioned this last week: Often, when I lose my cool, I reflect back on it and wish I could have used humor instead of reacting the way I did.

So last week, after an icky incident on spring break with another adult, I finally resolved once and for all to stop wishing and do something about it. (Spring Break story HERE)  I started poking around the internet for tips on “how to be funny”, “learn to be funny”, and “funny one liners”.

Guess what I found out? Humor isn’t that funny.  Well, the consensus is that it is if you are born with it.  If not, you have to learn it; the theory of learning humor surprised me.  You either have to learn the theory, and then you’re always looking for a place to apply it (which negates the whole idea of “being present” if your mind is always racing ahead). The other option is to memorize good jokes. I can’t see how knowing a funny joke is going to calm me down enough to diffuse sticky situations. For one, it takes time to tell it…and maybe I won’t always have that kind of time.

THIS article opened with an interesting quote: “Humor is criticism cloaked as entertainment and directed at a specific target…”  It was not the only article to mention that humor uses hostility, bitter truths…umm, wow – definitely not what I had in mind.

My goal is not to criticize or “make fun”.  When I reflected some more, I realized that what I really want to be able to do better is to diffuse tension.  To that end, when I looked up funny one-liners that might serve me, many of them were insults, albeit funny ones!

So maybe my goal isn’t to “be funny” after all. I think a more accurate intention is to become adept at diffusing tension.  For now, sticking to my opera voice or using funny accents is what I am going to keep using with my children…but what to do when it comes to adult interactions? I am thinking that if I break out in operatic song in public, I will be promptly carted away by security personnel…

It seems like my mantra of “Live Love” is going to have to be more present in my life on all occasions, not just when I am interacting with my family and friends.  If I had asked myself, “How do I speak with love?” before opening my mouth a couple of weeks ago, then maybe I wouldn’t have sounded irritated when I made my request.

So here is the affirmation I came up with:

Slide1

Heart Collage by Courtney Darby

So now it’s printed and up on my affirmation wall that I look at every morning when I brush my teeth.  Here’s hoping that it sticks in my brain, and that all my interactions are laced with more love this year.

 

 

 

I am enough: How the struggle with self-worth affects our children

True confession: I am a Birth Without Fear fangirl!!

I started following the FB page way back in 2010 when it first started as a simple message that birth without fear is possible. Since then, the message has expanded to support and validate all birth journeys, the postpartum period, and the crucial role that fathers/other partners play in the family.

My first experience hearing the founder, January Harshe, was in April of 2013 when she spoke at a MommyCon mini offered in Phoenix, Arizona. It seemed like maybe she was nervous, and then she found her voice and delivered a powerful message about being supported in birth choices. Come to find out later, our group in Phoenix got to see the first BWF presentation ever!! Super-cool.

Later that year, I got to see her again in LA for another MommyCon event, and then in 2014 we traveled to Austin for her second Birth Without Fear conference – it was life-changing for me. 2015 ushered in a year of “Meetups” – one-day events designed to bring the best of Birth Without Fear to more communities. Although we didn’t get to a meet-up last year, Puma and I did get to see January speak at a fabulous Club MomMe event, the Fall Family Fest at the LA Botanical Gardens.

Listening to the amazing @january_harshe from @birthwithoutfear speak @clubmomme #FamilyFest #BestDayEver #birthwithoutfear

A photo posted by Sweet Pea Births (@sweetpeabirths) on

Imagine my delight when I found out that there was going to be a meet-up right here in my backyard in February!! Super-yeah…especially when I found out that the keynote speaker was going to be Jade Beall, the amazing and conversation-shifting photographer from Tucson, Arizona.

Jade did not disappoint.  Her message of body positivity, and the way she wholeheartedly embraced the changes of pregnancy – OMGosh – I hope that there was not one person in the room who left without believing in their deepest cell that their post-pregnancy bodies are inhabited by goddesses of the highest order.  She gushed over the rolls we try to hide, the beautiful stretch marks that shine with the pride of growing life, and showed us the beautiful human body through her lens.

Flashback to my own journey with food and semantics: Since I struggled so much with body image, and I am a huge believer in positive thinking, I knew that the words I used about my body would be very likely to influence my children. I have made a concerted effort to talk about my food choices in relation to the amount of activity I do. I don’t eat less because I am on a diet, I eat less because I am not as active as they are. I make green food choices and smoothies because those foods give me energy, not because I’m on a “diet”. When we talk about their bodies, we use the words like, “muscular” and “strong” and “healthy” when we talk about shapes, sizes, and foods we are buying for them to eat.  Will they add health? Or do we avoid them because they compromise our health?  I try so hard not to make it about weight and body shape/size.

So as far as the food conversation, I hope I am already on the right path with our children.  What Jade gave voice to, and it applies to body image as well as the bigger picture of motherhood, is the idea that if we are tearing ourselves down with our words, imagine what it does to our children (loosely paraphrased):

If mama is talking crap about herself, MY QUEEN, then what am I?

If MY QUEEN is not worthy, what is going on in my world?

To our children, we are the whole world.  We are their mothers – we are beautiful in their eyes simply because they love us!! How amazing that the universe placed this wisdom in my path this week, “You know how when you get to know someone you see their inner beauty and stop noticing how they look on the outside? I wonder if that’s how kids see everyone all the time.”

Um…YES…until, as someone wisely pointed out, they are taught to judge.  Unless we tell them we are unworthy, they do not see us as unworthy. Until we give them the words that exclude everyone except the photoshop images in glossy magazines – they do not know their mothers are anything but the most beautiful mother in the world.

Here are more gems from Jade’s presentation:

  • The story of growing a human and pushing it out/birthing is not restricted to one body type.
  • Who likes lies? Truthfulness is so empowering. What is so wrong with cellulite? What’s wrong with being human?
  • Today this is me. It is enough.
  • All of us together in our skin are beautiful in our diversity.
  • Love yourself – love yourself – love yourself. It is the key to awesomeness and to being able to live the life you want to live.
  • Self-love is a complete practice.

And my favorite: “As soon as we are free from the shame, our epicness can happen.  Epicness enters your body, and amazing things start to happen.”

After Jade concluded her presentation, January shared her keys to embracing body love: start replacing the negatives with the positives.  Instead of waking up and naming all the things we don’t like about ourselves, find some things you already love about yourself. Then, start the day with those affirmations of what you love about yourself. Little by little you will find that your conversation about who you are starts to shift.

She made the great observation that body-love and self-acceptance has a bigger effect beyond ourselves and our families…it’s about people.  Everyone is struggling & judging in one way or another.  Skinny, fat, pink, purple, there is no magic formula to being happy – everyone has a story they are telling themselves that colors their perspective.

Here are the gems I wrote down from January’s follow-up to Jade’s presentation:

  • What am I worried about?
  • I’m the only one in this body. I’m the only one on this journey.
  • The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you can be to others.
  • When you use your voice, you give other women the power to use theirs.

What both of these ladies touched on matters in such a deep, profound way to mothering. Can we love ourselves enough to teach our children the gift of self-love? We have heard this, read this, seen this over and over: Actions speak louder than words.

If we tell our children to be confident and that we love them just as they are, will they believe us if our actions towards ourselves completely contradict our words? When we have a double-standard, one for them and one for us, how will they know which one is right?  If the current state of our collective self-esteem is any indication, self-loathing wins that battle every time.

I left the event on Saturday with a renewed commitment to be body positive and to live in self-love every day.  I am actually excited to release this body shame and allow my own EPICness to take a firm hold.  It’s been rooting around in there, trying to get a good hold since hearing Jennifer McClellan of Plus Size Birth in Austin…now it’s time to really plant it in the tilled soil and start to thrive.  I am the Queen of my queendom…in all the world, only one.

 

How about you? How can you embrace your EPICness today? What is one small step you can take towards self-acceptance?

I invite you to be curious – say one thing you love about yourself and hold it inside you today.  The QUEEN of the tribe can be as radiant on the inside as she is on the outside.  The little people who love you already see you as a shining star – own it – breathe it – live it.  See what happens – what kind of epic will you unleash today?

Get to your own Birth Without Fear Meetup this year!! Find the full schedule HERE.

Preschool Playdate: Make A Friend

Theme: Make A Friend Day
Date: February 11, 2016

— Welcome song in English (emphasizes printed name recognition as Sweet Peas find their card in a line-up and place it on our Name Ledge)
— Welcome song in Spanish (reinforces names as Sweet Peas sing to their peers)
— Discussion of theme: Friendship and Making Friends
— Storytime
— Unsquiggle activity: Modeling Puppet Center

 

STORY TIME
AH – thank you Frozen fever…and zulilly!! We got a few of the books on super-secret sale, and this one was perfect for today’s theme.  In the book, it shows several of the different friendships that happen in the movie, and there is even a page where two of the characters get along sometimes, and other times they do not.  It was a great point to emphasize in another activity we enjoyed for this theme.IMG_9745

 

LITERACY CENTER
We continue with our “sound box” theme.  Here are all the different things the children found that started with the letter “F”:
fabric, fan, fire truck, fish, flower, french fires, fried egg, fur

IMG_9747

 

MATH CENTER
This was a counting and/or matching game. I made a concerted effort to represent children of all colors in these cards.  An article I read recently has made me more mindful about the images I am presenting to the children.  So I prepared these cards showing children participating in all different kinds of play, making friends and being friends.

The children could count and match to the corresponding numbered card, and also with the foam number.  The cards can also be used as a “memory” game, matching the correct number of children together.

IMG_9746

Foam numbers by ALEX
Activity inspired by Preschool Plan-It

DISCOVERY TABLE
This was a fun one!! I covered our Discovery Table in butcher paper and laid out a grid, some ink, and a magnifying glass.  Each Sweet Pea that wanted to could leave their fingerprint.  Then the other Sweet Peas could take turns looking at each other’s fingerprints under the magnifying glass.  I had to move this table into more sunlight so that the kiddos could see some detail.

IMG_9749

Activity inspired by Preschool Plan-It

Here is another activity we did: Puppet Show!! I printed up little cards of different scenarios that might come up, when it would be good to try to use words to work things out.  The Sweet Peas each got to pick a puppet and a scenario card with them to help model respectful behavior.

IMG_9771

ARTS & CRAFTS ~ Make & Take
This was a little crazy to execute, and absolutely worth it when everyone got to take one home!! I tried to keep it simply by only putting out two colors of ink that were pretty similar.  This “circle of friends” will be a keepsake to treasure when we pull out old artwork and reflect on how much our Sweet Peas have grown.

IMG_9772

Activity inspired by Preschool Plan-It

We finish our Preschool Playdate with a sharing time: each child that wants to share gets to say what (s)he enjoyed the most about the morning.  We close with a good-bye song where children are welcome to give hugs.  It helps to set a formal end to the time together so that parents have a clear reason to insist that it’s time to go if they have somewhere to be afterwards.

Motherhood Journey: 11 years and counting

Puma was born in the wee hours of the morning, eleven years ago today.  It has been quite the ride.  As the day started yesterday, I thought about the fact that we were already in labor with her on the 24th, and how we had to wait 24+ hours to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

It also made me reflect on the many lessons I have learned as a mother over the last few years. I am not going to write them all down…here are some highlights.

Everything is better with sleep. We first learned this in her birth journey.  We had to make some decisions for her birth that we wouldn’t have had to face if I had given into the exhaustion and slept. The lesson has remained with me since that day. If either myself or the Sweet Peas are not “ourselves”, then it’s off for a nap-time or an early bedtime.  The household is much gentler when we are all rested.

Tears and fun do not go together. Whether it’s playing a game, reading a book, trying out a new concept in school…if someone is crying (including me!), then it’s not the right time for whatever we are doing.  Sometimes we need to refer back to No.1. Other times, especially when it’s school-related, it means that I need to check my gut and see if maybe the Sweet Pea isn’t ready for the concept, or if I need to get creative and present it in a different way.  If I pay attention, then the day turns around quickly.

Anger is an unmet need. Our chiropractor, Dr. Ross, gave me words to express this little nugget of wisdom!  Inevitably, our Sweet Peas forget that I am not a mind-reader.  Or that I can’t hear more than one thing at a time…when they are all talking to me I will miss something, and then down the line someone is angry or upset…because I didn’t hear them!  When I see that one of the children is angry or upset, then I get right down to their eye-level and ask them, “What did you think was going to happen?  Can I help make it better?”

Find time for connection.  As parents, we have a running “to-do” list. I can become focused on it to the point of forgetting to spend meaningful time with our Sweet Peas.  It helped me to realize that what I think of as “time” and their concept of “time” are two completely different things.  Five to ten minutes of undivided attention means the world to them.  Whether it’s asking them to bring me their favorite book, or telling them I can play dolls…Legos…kitchen…cars….with them until the timer rings; that time when I am on the floor with them means the whole world to them, and it only takes me a fraction of the day.  After all, I had them with intention, and they are the most important “work” of my life.  When I flip my perspective, it makes me realize how the rest of what I do is mundane and time with them IS the most important time I will spend in the day.

Parent individually. Each child requires you to be a unique mother. Each one has a different “love language“. Recognize, honor and respect their individuality. They need something different, and you one size does not fit all, even within our own family. Along the same tangent, if I spend my time trying to mother “better than ___”, everyone loses. Don’t look forward, don’t look back, resist the temptation to look around – look down.  What does the little person in front of you that moment need from you right now? Then give it to them with your whole heart. I have found that nothing is as rewarding as the spontaneous hug or kiss because I am there. Present.

Peaceful Mama rocks motherhood. This mama is well-rested, centered, joyful, and handles the upsets of the day with panache.  Crazy Mama is just how she sounds…CRAY CRAY!! She yells at the smallest provocation, she’s generally loud, and nobody likes her; least of all, me.  I took some time to reflect and some personal coaching I did with Blue Russ helped me realize that at the crux of all the yelling was lack of sleep.  When I get more sleep, things are automagically better.  To enhance the peacefulness, I start off my morning with a meditation and a prayer for the day’s intentions…those are the keys for Peaceful Mama to reign.  Finally, I top it off with flower essences and chocolate every day.  Magic happens!! The daily upsets of life happen, and a reasonable woman shows up to deal with them…even when yelling might be construed as appropriate.  Now, in my fantasy world, Peaceful Mama shows up every day.  Realistically, she shows up about 80-90% of the time, which is better than it used to be.

Ask for forgiveness – it matters.  For the days when Crazy Mama shows up, the most compassionate thing to do is own up to it.  I owe it to my Sweet Peas to acknowledge that I messed up and that it is my fault, not theirs.  It gives us a chance to re-set and do better for the rest of the day.  By being humble, it also shows them that humility is not to be feared.  They learn that sometimes we need to be forgiven, and that respect is earned, not given or demanded.  All these lessons are ones I hope they will remember as they grow in their own personhood and forge lasting relationships in their own lives.

Ask for help – it makes a difference.  To borrow an idea from Pam England, we have this myth in our culture that women need to do everything, do it well, and do it with a smile on their face.  It is one of the most dangerous myths we embrace, for it is asking the impossible.  Here’s an example that also reflects back to the idea of teaching humility: when I know I haven’t gotten enough sleep, I confess it to the Sweet Peas as soon as we are all up in the morning. I state up front that I am going to need help that day, and that I will also need to take a nap at some point during the day. Then we proceed through the day, with them helping instead of me just doing for them all day long.  They take on more than their usual chores. I hang up the myth of having to be Super-Mom. We all have a real day, and chances are that if I take care, Peaceful Mama can still show up through all the tiredness.

A shift in expectations can make all the difference in the world.  I just heard a great phrase from one of the grandmas that I have had the pleasure of meeting through our birth work.  She shared this nugget with me, “Every time we brought a baby home, our expectations went down another notch.”  Brilliant!!! Have you seen THIS meme from The Perfect Mess blog?

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Such a great thing to keep in mind. Back to that super-woman myth…we only hurt ourselves and continue the myth with our children by trying to do everything all the time.

It’s impossible.

Even the people who look like they have it all together have skeletons in their closet.  Trust me. There is a messy room, drawer, life skill…something that they are really good at hiding.  Which brings me to the next lesson…

Be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin, in your own priorities, and live your life the way you were meant to live it. That is the best lesson I feel I can teach our children – not perfection, not super-ness…just realness – living, learning, loving and growing every day.  As you can see, there are lots of links out to lots of people and resources in this post…they teach me and I am grateful for their lessons. There are countless other people who make up my tribe who I haven’t linked to, which brings me to…

Find your tribe. Once you know who you are and which “hats” you want to wear, this becomes more apparent.  Who are the people that nourish you? Who are the people who accept you as you are, who you don’t have to put your “face” on for?  Spend time with them. Build each other up. Encourage each other. Life’s journey is much easier when you are traveling with people, instead of comparing notes and one-upping. So. Much. Easier.

So, happy birth-day to our original Sweet Pea. She is a wonder to behold – I cannot wait to see where her life journey leads.

Which lessons have you learned as a parent?

Making Meaningful Moments

 

Our family is transitioning to a new work situation for Daddy Bruss. While he is still mostly working from home, most of that time is spent on the phone so the Sweet Peas can’t pop in to see him as is their habit. His office has quickly gone from an open-door to a closed-door situation. He has also stopped eating lunch with us…and there may be some travel coming up this year.

They are already starting to feel like they are not seeing him enough. So, one evening when he was gone for dinner, the Sweet Peas and I had a good conversation about why this new situation was going to be a long-term benefit for our family, and how to make the time we do see Daddy Bruss more meaningful.

Through the course of the conversation, they came up with the idea of creating a “Daddy Fun Jar”. Instead of rushing through clean up after dinner to watch their favorite streaming episodes, the Sweet Peas all agreed they would rather do something fun with their dad. (Screen time after dinner is a habit that formed from convenience; I cannot say I am sorry to see it go by the wayside.)

They came up with several ideas of fun things to do with their dad after dinnertime. And, they got to experience what “brainstorm” means! It was so neat to hear their ideas and have them peek over my shoulder to make sure I was getting everything written down. It also afforded us the opportunity to talk about the ideas and get consensus…team-building 101!

I intentionally did not make the jars or the cards “pretty” or “fancy” because I know I see things on social media, and then I don’t do them because it’s intimidating to try and get it “perfect”.   I am sure that this could be done with a fancy printable label and beautifully printed and laminated cards…mine are old address labels from an obsolete printer and index cards from the dollar store, taped over with packing tape so that they don’t bleed or smudge when they are inevitably handled by messy hands, or if they land on a wet counter!

Here are the ideas they came up with:

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I labeled two jars from our stash: one is “This Week” and the other is “Next Week”. We pick from the “THIS” jar on a nightly basis, and then we drop it in the “NEXT” jar so that we have an opportunity to run through all the cards once as we empty the “THIS” jar. Once all the activities have been enjoyed and transferred over to the “NEXT” jar, we will switch over the lids and the fun starts all over again.

 

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The Sweet Peas have had so much fun doing one fun thing a day with their dad. They have had the opportunity to hear some of his childhood stories and have conversations with their dad.  These meaningful moments wouldn’t have happened if they were playing in their rooms or camped out with their electronic devices.

It has actually become the highlight of the weekdays.  I had a hard time convincing them that  we didn’t really “need” to do a jar card on the weekends when we had spent the whole day with him.

If your family does something like this, I would love to read what kinds of activities your Sweet Peas think of to do with a parent that they see less of throughout the day. Leave me a comment with your ideas!

On the threshold

Puma will be turning 11 in January.  Since her 10th birthday last year, she has claimed the title “tween” since she is between the single digit birthdays and her first teenage birthday…and last night, we saw the first inklings of that age.

“You are not the boss of me.”

How to answer that statement, that really wasn’t a question – or was it? Was it a challenge to prove it one way or the other? Or was it the first statement of independence as she claims her right to find her own way in the world?

My answer yesterday was reflexive, “Actually, as your mother, I am still the boss of you.” Followed by the reasons why what she wanted was not going happen (stay up all night to fill the house with Christmas decorations). She said this in front of her siblings, and I had to defend my authority, right?!?

However, as I sat with that statement overnight, it occurred to me that there are other ways to handle that statement in the future.  For really, the whole goal of our parenting philosophy has been to raise self-assured, compassionate and self-realized individuals.

We strive to treat our children as human beings, not mimics or pets who are bound to obey without question. While we try to behave in a way to earn their respect, we try to avoid the “boss”role. Speaking for myself, I strive to be a compassionate parent to serve as a tour guide through the life lessons they must learn to be competent adults.

What was going on last night? She wanted to have the house ready for the season because Christmas is her favorite holiday. She wanted to have it ready as a surprise for Busy Bee. And she doesn’t like it when things don’t happen the way she had planned.

To her, all the joy of the day was forgotten because her one goal to have the house decorated was unfulfilled. Forget the fun she had playing outside as she and her siblings helped Daddy with the garage. Forget the help she gave me, just the two of us enjoying some quiet time in the kitchen while everyone else was outside. Forget the fun she had running around after dinner playing games with her siblings. Her day was terrible because Christmas decorations were incomplete.

So then, a better response to that statement would be something like, “You are right – at the end of the day, only you are the boss of you. And we hope that you will make choices that preserve your health and your happiness.  Would you say that staying up all night to impress someone, when it will compromise your sleep and your immune system, is a good use of your time? Or maybe, we can make a checklist, and be diligent about completing it every day so that by the end of the week, the house looks the way you want it to, and we all stay as healthy as possible this season?”

If only life had a “redo” button.  Since it does not, I will take some time this morning to honor her feelings, make that list, and get started on it as soon as today’s school day is complete. Thank God our children are resilient, and that we are blessed with another day with them to be their guide, their North Star on life’s journey.

As I close today, I ask you to remember a family in your prayers who lost their North Star yesterday. Ella Bowen was a beloved dance mom at our childrens’ dance school. From what has been shared on social media, it seems that the other driver was under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Such a tragic loss of a beautiful human being, who leaves behind a husband and two beautiful daughters. Hold them in your thoughts and prayers as they find a new normal without her by their side.