Theme: How do you rise to the challenge of parenting? Or maybe you have pictures of your children in Star Wars gear? Share your best images that fit this caption in honor of Star Wars Day on May 4th.
Author Archives: krystynabowman@gmail.com
Tuesday Tips: Sibling Preparation
This article is a part of the Carnival of Natural Mothering hosted by GrowingSlower, Every Breath I Take, I Thought I Knew Mama, African Babies Don’t Cry, and Adventures of Captain Destructo. This month’s topic is Siblings. Be sure to check out all of the participants’ posts through the links at the bottom of this page.
Prompt: Siblings
There is no relationship quite like the sibling relationship! Tell us how you prepared your family for the addition of a new baby. We’d love to hear how you foster a strong bond between your kids. Or, maybe you’d like to write about lessons learned from your own sibling relationships. Let’s talk about ways we can foster love and connection between our children this month.
Sibling preparation…this is a topic that has been coming up a lot lately…very exciting times for our students and our homebirth community!! Thoughtful families wonder how they can best ease the transition as they add siblings.
Here is our brood enjoying counter-time at a local diner.
We are by no means experts. What I have listed below are the things that have worked for our family. Please feel free to add your suggestions and advice in the comments!
PREGNANCY
1.) We made a family birth plan using words and pictures
2.) We did family relaxation practice and labor rehearsals to help them prepare for labor and birth…
- we talked about what a “working face” looks like – tension/pain vs. relaxation face
- we talked about blood – ouchy blood from a cut vs. labor blood that means mommy’s body is working
3.) Point out other children who were big brothers and sister and talked about the kinds of things they were doing and the baby who was “just sleeping” or “just sitting”
4.) Depending on interval between children:
Have siblings help clean/set out the newborn items.
Use it as an opportunity to share
- how they were so little once
- how neat they are at their current age (point out all the things they have learned since then)
- boundaries and expectations for their interaction with the newborn (you can hug and kiss baby while mommy is holding baby; if you want to, you can hold baby if I help you; you can help pick out clothing, diapering, bathtime, etc.)
BIRTH
1.) With caregivers during labor: Children had a box especially set aside of new things to play with: play-dough, coloring books and crayons, books, a little toy car or miniature dolls, disposable camera
2.) Homebirth – give the children the opportunity to participate as little or as much as they wanted to. They could come in where we were laboring, they could walk with us, eat with me, nap – or not.
3.) First visit/immediately after:
Giving a gift to the older sibling(s) from the newborn (Note: This worked especially well for our oldest who’s love language is giving gifts)
PREGNANCY+POSTPARTUM
1.) We did lots of reading/picture books that explored pregnancy and new babies/siblings
2.) Toddlers tend to be egocentric – make it work in your favor.
You are big! You can _____ , not the baby, (s)he is too little. (spoken in a sing-song voice for emphasis.)
– eat (their favorite food)
– run
– play
– go (special trip)
– mention things they can do by themselves
3.) Reminding them that the baby was not going to be fun like them until they were older – they would have to let the baby sleep, nurse, and grow before they were ready to play. I phrase this in relation to a season or the siblings age.
The baby will be able to respond to you/play ___ with you
– in the (season)
– when you are (age)
– after you turn (age)
4.) Use whichever phrasing resonates with your child. We would set the expectation for 6-9 months for responding; after the 1 year birthday for actually playing things like ball, climbing, hide and seek, etc.
5.) It will look like a lot of work/It is a lot of work for mommy because the baby is going to need lots of help/sleep/breastfeeding instead of being a big helper like you;
Children of any age:
Big Helpers
Letting the children help with newborn in age appropriate ways – picking out clothing, doing diapers with assistance, bringing mommy snacks or water. The key here was only if they wanted to help – we never wanted them to feel like they existed to be our “go-fers”
What can they do independently?
Point out those things and let them do them. Recognize their initiative whenever they make an attempt to do something for themselves, even if you have to help them re-do it or clean up a mess – hard to do when you are tired from caring from a newborn, I know.
What centers around them?
Favorites
Do they have a favorite book/story/food/activity? Choose them! Often!
Field trips
Is there someone you trust that you they can special dates with? (other parent, grandparents, aunts/uncles) Arrange anything from free picnic+park dates to things that cost $$, give them independent time, and as a bonus – you get alone time with your newborn! The key again is to build them up as the big kids that are old enough to go do special things – not the baby – they’re too little.
“Let’s let the baby sleep so that we can play together. I want to play with you!”
This reinforces the idea that the baby needs to sleep so that the older child doesn’t pinch, kiss, hug, whatever to get the crying reaction that they find so curious! In addition, if they can be patient and quiet, the big reward is getting you all to themselves!
“I have something to tell you, so scoot over here and come closer to me.”
Changing the tone – whisper to them so that they have to be quiet to hear you.
Family bath time with mommy, baby, siblings in the tub and Daddy supervising and drying off kiddos as they came out of the tub
Sensory play
– water
– sand
– beans
– rice
– make a bin with different textures and colors
Sensory bins are a great way to engage them in exploration and busy-ness without having to do a lot on your part (other than set it up!). You and the baby can sit with the older siblings and watch and interact while the older siblings entertain themselves with pouring, feeling, and learning.
Going out for a walk or a drive together
Fresh air and sunshine are good for everyone!
FILL THEIR CUP
I will close with this idea from Charlotte Mason, a 19th century British educator whose works have come to light again as parents search for alternatives to cookie-cutter education
Every day, children need something to love, something to do, something to think about.
If you believe that this is a valid philosophy, then think of the ways that you can fill those needs as parents. I feel that if we are meeting their needs, then one presumes that their cup is full and they are less likely to act out in search of attention “just because”.
What worked to ease the transition to more siblings in your family?
Read more about Sibling Preparation on our Sweet Pea Births blog
Monday Musings: Midwives
Today is International Day of the Midwife – wishing all these amazing birthworkers a very blessed day!
Our midwives made a huge difference in the way we labored and birthed Otter – HERE is Part 1 of her birth story and HERE is Part 2 – it’s long so I split it up. (I was impressed I was able to compress 3 days into two blog posts – lol.)
As we fought for homebirth rights again this legislative session in Arizona, one thing became crystal clear for me. We cannot change our abysmal birth outcomes until we change the paradigms around birth in our country.
Doctors putting down midwives…hospital midwives touting their credentials and college degrees…homebirth midwives asking to be recognized for their skill set and knowledge that has been handed down through the ages.
And I mean that literally: there is no way the human species would have survived if these women didn’t know a thing or two about birth. How many species have we seen become extinct in our lifetime? It happens! If birth was as dangerous and mysterious and frightening as the scare-tactic practitioners would have you believe, we would have been gone AGES ago.
While there are fabulous and atrocious providers in all three categories of pregnancy care providers, it is time we demand better. I would be thrilled if by the time our children are having children, midwives are caring for the majority of the population that is low-risk with the “watchful waiting” model of midwifery care. And, obstetricians are still in practice to care for the high-risk pregnancies that truly need a different skill set and level of care. It is possible to rewrite our birth paradigm and have everyone (well, almost everyone!) respect each other and get along.
There is no doubt that modern medicine has improved outcomes for women with true complications of pregnancy and childbirth – here are a few cases where we can definitely be grateful: Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome, NICU care that allows preemies to survive and thrive, cesarean births for mothers with transverse babies, placenta abruptia, placenta accreta – these are all situations where modern medicine has had a positive impact.
However, we have to ask ourselves – how have we gotten to the point where almost 33% of all births end with surgery? Why have we dropped (AGAIN!) in maternal mortality rates – we are now ranked 50 in the world. Why are we ranked at 56th in the world for infant mortality rate?? Something is seriously and desperately wrong with maternity care. Birth is not a pathogen; it’s not an illness that needs to be managed and controlled.
I ask families to research the possibility of midwifery care. HERE is a look at a recent study that demonstrated that midwifery-led care dramatically improved outcomes.
From the Midwives Alliance of North American (MANA) website, here are some of the benefits you might expect from midwifery care:
- monitoring the physical, psychological and social well-being of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle
- providing the mother with individualized education, counseling, and prenatal care, continuous hands-on assistance during labor and delivery, and postpartum support
- minimizing technological interventions and
- identifying and referring women who require obstetrical attention.
Also from MANA:
What women love is that there is more to maternity care with a midwife than checking blood pressure, fundal height, weight and urine checks.
- You will see a familiar face at each of your appointments, and you will be given adequate time to ask questions and address your concerns.
- Your midwife is a specialist in pregnancy, birth and postpartum care who has designed a complete program of care to nurture healthy pregnancy, joyful birth and confident parenting.
- You will receive individualized, culturally appropriate, family-centered full-scope prenatal services, and continuous care and support during labor and birth.
- Your midwife will incorporate shared decision-making into your care so that you will feel informed and empowered to make good health decisions for you, your infant and your family.
- Your midwife has the skills and knowledge to facilitate healthy normal childbirth, to assure comfort and safety for you and your baby, and to accommodate your family’s needs.
- You midwife has a plan for collaboration with obstetricians, pediatricians, and other specialists in the rare case where medical care for mother or your baby is needed.
- You will receive nurturing postpartum care and support in your home and the midwife’s office in the weeks and months after birth as you adjust to your new baby and the changes in your family.
Source: http://www.mana.org/about-midwives/midwifery-model
Midwives have long served the underprivileged and the marginalized by society. Making them available in community health care centers would address the needs of the communities ravaged by the disparity in health care based on the ability to pay for care. I am ashamed to read that the difference in birth outcomes would be drastically improved along color lines – we are living in 2014!! This should not even be a discussion about racial barriers and access to care, but it is. IT IS.
Not all families are comfortable with the idea of homebirth. Those families who want to birth in a hospital setting have the options of midwifery care from hospital-based Certified Nurse-Midwives. They have the training to use medical interventions plus they are taught about birth as a normal function of the female body, not a pathogen that needs to be managed and controlled as dictated by the obstetrical model of care. Our experience as we hear our student’s birth stories is that they tend to use them judiciously within the “watchful waiting” model of midwifery care.
The bottom line is this: families are seeking respectful, personalized, humanized care in droves. Midwives and the midwifery model of care are definitely staying and growing in the USA. It’s time to rewrite our birth paradigm and find ways for all care providers to forge new pathways to mutual respect and understanding so that mothers and babies have a chance for a future.
Wordless Wednesday: Earth Baby
In honor of Earth Day, here are some fun images from our students and our family images from last summer…cloth diapers, hiking, extended breastfeeding past the first birthday…see how we interpret the phrase “Earth Baby”
Tuesday Tips: Earth Day 2014
We are short on time today as we have been enjoying some outside time…I will leave you with a couple of links…
One is to the blog post from Nature Kids Institute where they fill in the details on their Nature Connection Pyramid. Ever since I saw this, we are striving to spend more time outdoors. I really am looking forward to being up in the Rim Country again this summer so that we can take advantage of the National Park Service areas and do some hiking.
Read more about it here: http://bit.ly/1f2sWSF
The second is to a blog post over on Sweet Pea Births where we share ideas to reuse and repurpose a left over disposable wipes container:
Earth Day All Year Around http://bit.ly/1jGlN7S
Wishing you and your Sweet Peas a great time celebrating Earth Day!
Some Earth Day celebrations happening around Phoenix:
Earth Day Celebration
Free admission and great for all ages. Fun & educational activities – discover nature, science and the great outdoors! Experience hands-on activities, live animal presentations, and discover ways to live a more eco-friendly lifestyle from on-site vendors and exhibitors.
Veterans Oasis Park Friday @ 4:00 – 7:00 pm
4050 E Chandler Heights Rd
(NEC of Chandler Heights and Lindsay Roads)
Chandler, AZ
Great Cloth Diaper Change
Saturday, April 26 @ 10:00am – 12:00pm
6111 S. All America Way Ramada #5 Tempe, Arizona 85283
The Great Cloth Diaper Change was originated as a way to raise awareness about the waste generated by disposable diapers on Earth Day. It has grown into an annual Guinness World-Record setting event. This year it will take place on Saturday, April 26th, 2014 at 11:00 a.m. local time. Everyone will change diapers at the same LOCAL time, allowing the change to roll around the globe with the clock. Join your local event and help set a new world record in 2014! Click HERE to find your nearest event.
Monday Musings: Deposits and Imprints
The more I learn about parenting, the more I realize that to be the kind of parent I want to be, it has to be a conscientious effort to be my best. It is easier to react instead of remembering breathe first. It is easier to yell instead of remembering to breathe first. It is definitely easier to be Crazy Mama than it is to be Peaceful Mama.
However, Crazy Mama is definitely not the legacy I want to leave to our children. When they look back on their childhood, I want them to remember laughter, joy, and peacefulness. I want them to remember playing outside, fun field trips, blowing bubbles.
Most of all, I want them to remember being respected. It is my dream that this generation that is being raised by more parents who are committed to making a conscientious effort to be peaceful, gentle, and intentional about their parenting will be good stewards and more peaceful as a whole.
Therein lies my perpetual vicious circle. Be present. Plan ahead. The future “eye on the prize”. Be present.
I think that we will take some time to do some dream boards this week. I wonder what images our children would pick if I asked them to cut out pictures of things they would want to do if they could have a perfect day – week – year (depending on their ability to understand time). Once I know what their visions and ideas are, we can get started on making those things happen. Whether in actuality or pretend play, these are the memories that I want to make with them. The ones that they want to remember.
Be present. Leave positive imprints. With that, I am off to make memories.
What is a phrase or saying that centers your intention as a parent?
Gluten-Free Easter
We have children with food allergies…biggest one being gluten. We also stay away from soy and artificial food coloring. So we are doing lots of toys and limited candy.
Here is what I have lined up for their Easter baskets so all the kiddos have the same loot and I don’t have to worry about cross-contamination or curiosity:
I literally cannot bring myself to buy any other chocolate out there – this is literally the best and they are starting to make more child-friendly flavors. They weren’t too crazy about the chili or the orange infused pieces…peppermint was a big hit, and I am guessing that the pink salt is going to disappear 🙂
Gummy fruit
Lollipops
Dr. McStuffins is a little juvenile for Puma, got them because she wants to be a vet when she grows up; Otter will love the little food and water to feed her babies.
Pinball games for the boys
We also have a VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY coming from Georgetown Cupcake – can’t wait to see their faces when we get to Easter Brunch at my aunt’s house on Sunday and they have their GF Easter treats from their favorite cupcake shoppe 🙂
I waived the sugar restriction because I am willing to put up with a couple of days of crazy (it literally makes Night Owl into a filter-less maniac) so that we can treat them to some candy. I am fingers-crossed that we all survive. Monday will probably be a reading day for Night Owl – I don’t know if he will be able to be still…
For those of you that celebrate, have a blessed Easter. I know that the season has nothing to do with eggs and bunnies, really. We are so thankful for God’s mercy and the sacrifice of His beloved Son for our redemption and salvation. As I embrace and treasure our children, I cannot even imagine the love that God and Jesus have for us – it is beyond my human understanding.
Thoughtful Thursday: DO use your BRAIN
As a mom, a childbirth educator, a consumer of health care and a doula, I am sad for THIS mom and her doula. It reads like a story of a naive mom and an over-reaching doula; a hospital staff that missed warning signs in labor. Thank God and the care providers who were on top of their game, the baby sounds like she is thriving today despite her rocky start.
How terrible to learn the hard way that a doula is NOT a medical professional. I am sad that her doula did more than facilitate her decisions by asking open-ended questions. The doula influenced and made medical decisions.
There are many GOOD and GREAT doulas out there who understand their role as a support person ONLY. Besides labor support, doulas are knowledgeable about pregnancy and birth based on their education, continued reading, and client experiences.
A good doula will share information (i.e., articles or good studies to read for both the pro and con of every option/consideration/intervention) and she will ask questions. A good doula may share past experiences from previous clients, and she will NEVER decide for her client.
It is up to the client to use their BRAIN. In short, what are the Benefits-Risks-Alternatives? What does my Intuition say? What will happen Next if I say yes, or what happens if I do Nothing?
It is up to each family to question more and trust less. True informed consent means reading, educating, and asking questions, not just blindly following advice – be it medical or otherwise. Even medical professionals can give you bad advice, and not because they are evil. They may be slow to catch up on evidence-based care while doing CYA to keep their insurance companies happy. Doctors have their biases, too, usually based on previous outcomes. Their reasons are worth listening to – they are after all, professionals with years of education and experience.
What if their practices and/or malpractice insurance carriers are not caught up to evidence-based care as per American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology (ACOG)? I encourage all pregnant mothers to read up on ACOG guidelines* so that you know what the current practice standards are. If your care provider is not following the guidelines as set forth by their professional organization, ask them why. And LISTEN to the answers so you can weigh the information against what your intuition and research is telling you.
It is the responsibility of every parent to weigh the benefits, risks, and alternatives to all the information they are receiving BEFORE they make a decision, whether it’s for their care or their children.
I will offer these words of caution: if someone on your care team is setting up an “us vs. them” mentality, it is a red flag to RUN the other way get more information. Pregnancy care is definitely a team effort. If someone says otherwise, whether it’s the doctor, midwife and/or the support team – some part of the story is is missing. Find out what their history is if you can, decide if it’s something you can work around, and if not, build a new team.
My little equation:
Childbirth Education + Supportive Care Providers + True Informed Consent = Empowered Birth
Making true informed consent decisions are part of the equation in empowered birth. In addition, choose your care providers wisely – both the medical and support team should be willing to work with you for a Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby outcome. Another part is to set yourself up for success: eat well, exercise, meditate (relaxation practice), avoid harmful substances, educate yourself on the process (Bradley Method® classes cover all these topics). Having a good foundation for what is normal, the variations, and true complications of pregnancy and childbirth will help inform you as you make decisions about your care.
Will every birth play out just as you imagined? NO WAY. However, by following the above equation, I believe that every family CAN have a birth experience that they are proud of: they know that they did all they could to have the birth they planned for, they recognized the forks in the road, they made carefully considered decisions as a team, and proceeded with the informed choices that yield a Healthy Mom AND Healthy Baby.
What are your thoughts on doulas, doctors and informed consent?
Want more info in evidence-based care? Read my feature article in the ICAN Clarion, a quarterly newsletter HERE, Usually only available on a subscription basis, this issue was made public in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month.
*ACOG publications – three to start with
Term is redefined as 37-42 weeks
Reducing the primary cesarean rate
VBAC guidelines
WW: Babywearing
It’s been a pretty Peas-Y Spring for us!! We are busy bees – taking advantage of the weather in AZ before it hits sweltering…I included images of our faves since my model is snoozing right now. When she wakes, we will get her into the carriers and do pics 🙂 I will leave the instructional videos up for the woven wrap and the rebozo.
Two Favorites:
Ring Sling – easiest to grab and go and put baby in a hip carry for in-and-out errands
Beco Butterfly – love it for two free hands at the zoo or Farmer’s Market – use it for both front and back carrries
This is how you get three kiddos (in five different costumes) dressed for a Christmas show when Coach is in the audience. Thank you #beco #butterfly for being a mama-sanity saver once again!
Find yours here: http://www.becobabycarrier.com/
On Reserve:
Woven Wrap – still getting the hang of this – favorite for a secure back carry now that baby has a taller seat in the soft-structured carrier
Tutorials here: www.wrapyourbaby.com
Retired and still loved:
Rebozo – this only had limited time since our babies were born big and they outgrew the length of my rebozo by about 6-9 months.
Tutorial Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T53O6uU2xRE
Monday Musing: Within These Walls
Image credit https://www.facebook.com/childrensmovementFL
We have been under a lot of pressure at The Bowman House lately…the same things that probably add stress in your life…lots to do and not enough time, planning our budget, growing pains, work commitments…both Bruss and I noticed that the volume has been going up again. We both value a gentle, peaceful house, and we have been making a pointed effort to be gentle parents despite the pressures we feel.
We had a presentation on babywearing for our Peas & Pods group last Friday. One of the benefits of babywearing is that you learn to read your Sweet Pea – you learn their cues, their body language, their facial expressions. Conversely, your Sweet Pea learns to read you.
As I have been close to losing my cool lately, Otter (our 2yo) has been the first to say, “Mommy, take a deep breath.” The first time she said it, it actually took my breath away and I asked Daddy Bruss if he had heard the same thing I had heard. She had seen my face and could tell I was stressed.
The other thing that she does is help me to make a joke. Before I lost my cool, one of my tricks is to ask the kiddos, “You don’t want to see my angry face, right?” To which they answer, “Yes we do, Mommy!” Then, I proceed to make an angry, growly face with some sound effects and it diffuses the tension as we all burst into peals of laughter as everyone else starts making angry faces and growling. Once we are in a good space, we can talk about what was happening and solve problems with Peaceful Mama.
Again, over the weekend, Otter was pre-empting me…she’d ask me, “Mommy, are you angry?”, or she would ask me to make my angry face, just as she could see that I was hitting a breaking point.
I think one of of my favorite things about attachment parenting is the give and take as your children come into their own. As much as I love to teach and nurture our children, it is so amazing to learn from and be nurtured by them.
We can directly influence the tone within the walls of our home. We can choose do the mental and emotional work it takes to be in a good space so that we can be gentle in spite of the pressures. So while attachment parenting certainly takes more time than the cause-and-effect approach, it is proving to be SO SO worth it.